I’ll take an order of Happiness please, with fries on the side…

Honestly, I love the idea of choosing to alter my brain chemistry. It’s the ultimate expression of choosing who you want to be, even ahead of what your biology says. To not be sad, detached, depressed, anxious, I like the concept. I choose to be a happy loving person, please, with an order of fries on the side. 

People often have mixed feelings about medication that alters brain function. I know many that dislike the idea of meds that affect the brain, drugs that tinker with mood and personality. Personally, offense intended or not, when people say they are averse to the idea of tinkering with things that affect your brain, it’s usually because they’ve never had problems serious enough, for long enough durations, that it becomes something crucial. Consideration is no longer given pause. 

I don’t actually believe that BPD is a treatable disease. It’s not something like Bipolar that you can measure, track and throw lithium at. BPD is more of a categorical Label that encompasses a whole group of problems. So it’s not the BPD that is being treated but the identifiable symptoms like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, dissociation, etc. that my psych is trying to treat for.

I fought medication my entire life. Well, since I was 12 and it became apparent to me that I was not exactly normal. I also fought therapy, but that’s a tale for a different day. 

I think in many people’s life, they hit a point where something drastic must be done or there won’t be a tomorrow for something drastic to be done in. Along with my BPD and Dissociative diagnosis. I am also Major/Clinical Depressive. This was also the only consistent diagnosis I’ve ever been given {therapy and diagnosis are a post for different times).Suicide has never been an option for me. I don’t believe in an afterlife. There is no god saint to welcome me through pearly gates. It was more like slipping into ambivalence. I don’t want to die, but if something were to threaten my life, I might not do anything to stop it. Nothing dramatic, just, numb. This life is all I have, so when I begin to lose attachment to the only chance I have, it’s time for something new to be tried.


I don’t roll over so easy. So finally, FINALLY, I accepted help and braved the roller coaster of mind altering drugs.

I’ve tried Lexapro, Zoloft, Klonopin and Xanax. Klonopin and Xanax work wonders for my anxiety but they knock me out. But hey, it’s hard to be anxious when you’re unconscious. Lexapro zapped my ability to orgasm. To me, this is unacceptable. Sex is one of the few things I derive unadulterated pleasure from. Not that just the act itself isn’t fun, but I’m not willing to feel nothing from the waist down for the rest of my life. I’m sure you understand. Zoloft worked fine while there was nothing to bother me, which is to say, it didn’t work at all. After being on Zoloft for a week I was in the Psych ER (story for a different day). Once again, I bottomed out and went back to my Dr. After the initial round of standard questions he asked me why I’d come to him and not straight to the Psych ER.

Have you ever been to the Psych ER? It’s a shithole wrapped in cellophane. No thanks. But I didn’t tell him that. He directed me to call a psychiatrist. I started seeing a therapist the next week, and a week after that finally managed to find a psychiatrist. Dr. T is my Therapist, Dr. P is my Psychiatrist. So after a trial round of a new drug, Dr. P has decided to up my dose of Symbyax. It’s a combination anti-psychotic and SSRI. Since I have a personality and mood disorder , along with sleep issues and eating, anxiety, laundry list o’problematicas, this drug is meant to stabalize my moods to a baseline norm while also working on my seratonin levels to eliminate my depression…. It’d had some affec ut not nearly enought. Today I saw Dr. P for the second time. He upped my dose.

What’s the cost of sanity you ask? Really fucking high. My mother may feel my life is priceless, but my insurance company only thinks it’s worth about $150/month.

That’s what you get when all you are is a number in their system. For the price I’m paying, beyond what my insurance covered, I better see results. You’ll be sure to know if I don’t. 

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