Feeling Inside, Outside – Criteria 9 / Part 3: Depersonalization

Continuing along the dissociated path of Criteria 9, my specific interest is especially in Depersonalization. This is my most intense break from reality.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m in the wrong body. Like I’m watching myself, my body, do things from someone else’s perspective. Cognitively I know it’s my body but the person that feels what’s going on is somewhere else, removed. My feelings are gone. Here, but part of me is left somewhere else, on the outside, not inside me where it belongs. Going through the motions of what I know I would normally do but without any connection to the motivating forces that would drive me to do these things. 
I don’t process emotions directly, internally. I process them from a dissociative place, “outside”, of my sense of Self. This creates a huge disconnect in how I think and how I feel towards the things I am thinking about. It’s like having two separate bodies; one to process thoughts, one to process feelings, but I’m only connected to one at any given time.  They don’t work symbiotically like they should. I either experience as an observer with detached emotions or I FEEL everything but don’t temper it with my rationale. Where most people have a natural balance I can either experience my emotions, my environment, or I can observe them. Seperately.
Having taken an objective look at, or talk about, my emotions I feel fine. I feel fine because I feel nothing. The act of talking about my emotions or experiences, causes me to not feel them.  But since feeling nothing is better than feeling emotionally destroyed, nothing = fine. When you can recognize that a situation should produce an emotional reaction, and instead all you feel is {blank}, it can be very disconcerting. It seems like nothing was ever there in the first place. Except it’s not only this one incident…
It’s with everything.
I can wrap myself in an experience. Throw myself into the heat of a moment but afterwards, all I have is a recording. No emotional attachment to the memory. It’s akin to taking a physical step back from a situation to look at it objectively, only to be left with a very noticeable lack-of-emotion. Because I am no longer ‘in the moment’ it’s like trying to remember emotions experienced in a dream. I wonder if they were ever real because after having stepped back, the closeness is no longer there. On the plus side, nothing phases me. Things that should have reduced me to tears or at the very least made my heart ache, are now after thoughts left in the wake of yesterday.
Imagine this. You and a person you care for are standing a few feet apart, holding a rope just long enough so it’s pulled taught. The rope is a symbolic representation of the emotional connection you share. When you take a step back the rope is not long enough and your end slips from your hand and falls to the ground. You can still see the person, still see that person holding their end of the rope, but you no longer feel the connection of the rope fibers even though you remember having held the rope. It’s like dropping the rope and trying to maintain/remember the feel of the fiber. Physically you can’t.
It’s disconcerting to not feel. Surreal.
Sleep walking through my own consciousness.

3 comments on “Feeling Inside, Outside – Criteria 9 / Part 3: Depersonalization

  1. I guess I always felt like I loved people too much, all of them, and that right one just hasn't come along yet. If they really loved me then they wouldn't lie, avoid me or ignore me, right? I'm starting from the beginning of your blog here. Reading this helps to write shit down for my shrink so she can understand WTF I'm trying to say. Thanks for being like me, damn that sounds fucked up, sorry.

  2. I believe you're right. If they really love you they wouldn't do those things. I fall into the trap of believing people because it seems to be love at first, but then people change, except I can't change my feelings and I begin to reel and spin. Is it silly that I like to hear when people start from the beginning? I feel like I have a lot of good posts back here and I'm glad they don't, sort of, go to waste,yanno. cheers!

  3. Its strange reading this, I can relate to this so much, Ive felt this way for so long it feels so normal, that I dont understand what it must be like to not experience everything this way.. how strange. Sometimes i feel like my environment is so alien. i dont connect with it at all or objects around me, this is especially annoying at work i go to do something am completely dissasociated, then come back and realize, drifting in and out of some realm. I feel like im really lost alot of the time.. dont know where the hell I am, what im doing , what im feeling or even thinking.

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