Spending Sprees – Criteria 4 Impulsive Behavior / Part 1

Impulsive spending is a BIG problem. Without careful monitoring you can lose your house, your car, the love and respect of those around you, as you’re thrown into a prison of debt and financial ruin. This is especially devastating when you have other people that rely on your for their wellbeing. Fortunately this isn’t my crisis.
I hate money. I love money. Money creates worry, stress and a lot of anxiety. I don’t gamble. I’d rather gamble with my life, than my money.  I always manage to have enough put away to take care of the necessities. I don’t miss my rent, or get my utilities turned off, but I put almost no thought into just how much I manage to save and I never have any idea exactly how much is in the bank. Thinking about it upsets me. I always feel like I have enough in there so I don’t check. When I do check it inevitably is less than what I was expecting. However, I love being able to get things for people I adore.
I don’t spend thousands of dollars at a time or anything. For me it’s an item here, an item there, sometimes a little more, just this once, ok just one more time, I won’t get anything tomorrow how about that, well I want this now too. I’ll fall in love with a rock-a-billy dress and NEED to own it so I’ll buy two in slightly different styles and colors, dropping a couple hundred. Or this other thing that will fill the gap on my counter top, it’s an investment, I’ll never have to buy something like this again. It’s justified, right? 
Spending on myself always makes me feel a little guilty though. I know I don’t really need these things. However, spending on other people makes me feel good. I love to buy things, do things, get things for the people I care about. Because I have such a hard time connecting to and expressing my emotions, it’s one way I can tangibly show I care.  With food especially. I LOVE to cook and bake. It helps that I’m also quite good at it. I’ll get it in my head to try exotic or gourmet four-course meals, big family style dinners and drop $75 to $100 on groceries alone. If I can get stuff that I NEED in order to do things for other people it’s much more justifiable to me. I feel much less guilty.
Spending money always makes me feel guilty. This feeling of guilt is how I recognize this as a problem.
I do have an occupation where I make enough money to not get in immediate trouble. I’m single and don’t have kids (thank goodness) so all I need to worry about is me. However, I don’t have job security in this economy so it’s not a wise idea to not have a safety net.  If I’m not careful I’m always afraid I’ll end up spending myself out.
Like when I’d been in such destructive situations that I was willing to exhaust all my resources just to get out of the environment. I had the choice of staying in an abusive household or use everything I had to get out. I was prepared to put myself into debt to afford a new place because I had to get out RIGHT NOW.
If I have money now, I can get things. If I wait, I might not have the money in the future and I’ll regret not being able to get things when I did. I’ve worked so hard, or sacrificed so much I deserve to splurge a little, fill that void in my closet like it will fill the void in my heart. Or if I can buy all those ingredients and make a dinner so delicious that everyone is sated, it’s as if I’ve sated my need for their love and appreciation. I can go out of my way and get things that I know they couldn’t or wouldn’t think to get on their own, a token of my appreciation to garner their favor.
I create lists upon lists of things I would love to have and slowly, but steadily chip away at them. Sometimes only one or two little things here, oh maybe one bigger thing there, then 3 or 4 things here, well these aren’t for me and they’re so perfect for {insert name here} they really  need to have this now… little by little it all adds up to a giant gaping hole in my bank account.  If I have money coming in, I will have money going out.

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