Sex. Being promiscuous.
This is one of the trademark Borderline attributes. There’s no point denying that this is one of my ‘issues’. So I won’t. I love sex. I am a very sexual, sensual creature. I love the flirting, the game of it all. Seeing what get’s people going and what each button does. It doesn’t take a whole lot to get me to bed… if you’re a woman. I have a lot of issues with men. It takes me a very long time to warm up to a man, if I do at all. And I never sleep with more than one guy at a time, if I choose to sleep with men at all. Now, women on the other hand.
I love the feel of women. The soft curves, the delicate scent. They way their body hugs my own, how our curves fit together. I can see an attractive woman and just KNOW that I want her. This doesn’t happen with guys, I never just see a guy and think he’s good looking enough to jump in bed with. Sex with men is invasive, a violation. It takes a long time for me to get past the point where the idea of having sex with a guy no longer feels intrusive. Even then, I believe men just want to use me for sex. Some part of me always resents men afterwards. With very rare exception, I will never be convinced that men don’t have ulterior motives when befriending me. I’m always suspicious. Oddly it doesn’t bother me when women do this though. Maybe because there’s always been more there, something deeper. I’ve had no truly traumatic experiences with women.
I have with men. Consequently, sex with men has all the appeal of getting stabbed in the vag with a blunt object. Or maybe the men I’ve managed to fall into bed with are just boring. Oh, not always. There have been a few to get past my walls, and curl my toes, but most don’t have the patience for this and that’s just fine by me. With women there’s an equality I don’t generally feel with men. A natural ease and flow.
But, sex, I do so love sex. It’s one of the few times it’s absolutely appropriate for me to lose any hold of my rational mind. Sex is heat, passion, intense. I FEEL, and only feel. Sex turns off my brain and just lets my body go.
One of my greatest weaknesses is simple human contact. Just touching me makes me feel more connected, less dissociated. With my dissociative disorder I process emotion from a different place. As mentioned before I can either Think about my emotions, rationally but detached from actually feeling them, or Feel my emotions but lose hold on the rational mindset that tempers them. If it’s someone I’m close to, intimate with, physical contact is like a life line tethering me to reality. Sex amplifies this; times a thousand. Fully physical, and fully connected. It’s a heady experience to say the least.
It’s no small wonder I want to reach for this feeling. If I’m attracted to a woman I won’t think twice before wanting to sleep with her. There will be no doubts. With men there are always doubts and suspicions at first. This doesn’t mean I always jump in bed with women though. Attraction to me is not just physical appearance. It’s attitude, demeanor, intelligence, personality. You can be the prettiest person on the planet but if your attitude sucks I’ll have zero attraction and want nothing to do with you. But if a person is able to stimulate my mind, my intellect, as well as my sex drive, the melding is intense. Pulling all aspects of me together. It’s about as close to spiritual experience as I get.
Generally the more interested I am in a person, if I want to cultivate a relationship or there are other circumstances I will take things slower. I know what it is to be used, and I don’t want to leave anyone that I could care about with this feeling. That doesn’t mean it’s not on my mind though.
I love to talk about sex, wrap myself in the idea and play of it all. In sex I’m free to feel. There’s no disconnect because I’m feeling when I SHOULD be feeling. I don’t feel myself two feet to the left of the situation because it’s appropriate for me to let loose. When I can throw logic to the wind and let my blood pump, my body connect, my inhibitions are lowered in the flood gate and finally I can just feel. Everything