More sex… Criteria 4/ Impulsive Behavior Part 9b

Sex. Attraction. I don’t really have a type of person that I’m drawn to, but I do tend to like more assertive people. More aggressive. I like men that can take charge and challenge my dominance or strong women with soft well trimmed features that give me a run for my money. That softness, femininity coupled with an inner strength appeals incredibly. There’s something in being with a woman that I don’t get with guys. A connection. I don’t believe that sex should be meaningful, but there should be some kind of connection, even if it’s just for a night or two. Some spark of excitement. Heat. Intensity. Some thing that attracts. Without that kind of attraction sex becomes pretty pointless for me. I could do more for myself without exerting so much effort. This is probably why I don’t just jump into bed with anyone to feel something. Most people don’t have substance enough to hold my attention, connection.

I love being maimed during sex. Tooth and nail, biting, scratching… marked. The best sex is rough. The best foreplay is fighting. I had a friend that I used to spar with (I never actually screwed him). We would beat the shit out of each other but the sexual tension was palpable. I’d wake up covered head to toe in deep bruises and feel like I just had a night of the greatest sex. Of course, everyone else was horrified at my bruises but I loved them. Marks of an evening well spent.

Oh that’s not to say that sex can’t be good if it’s not rough, it definitely can be, but that’s what really gets my blood flowing. Sometimes literally.

I don’t really understand why I like things that hurt me. When I can throw all of my repressed emotional turbulence into the heat of a moment I feel free. It’s fun, exhilarating, almost intoxicating. I like dangerous things and the adrenaline rush. I guess that’s something I should work through with my therapist. Maybe I’m really just an adrenaline junkie. Does it really matter what society thinks at all? Sometimes it makes me sick, why does it mean there’s anything wrong with me? Maybe I’m just more in tune with myself, less repressed than the rest of society. It’s them that are all stuck and jammed down, I’m more free. Who the hell knows….

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2 comments on “More sex… Criteria 4/ Impulsive Behavior Part 9b

  1. i don't like the rough sex, but i totally understand you, i fantasize about it all the time. i was raped not long ago and that made me ill.i bruise easily and always have bruises on my body, i love them! i've never told anyone that.i'm sure it's connected to the fact i had bruises as a child. we're not 'wrong' we are normal for our life experience. i am also bisexual.with men, the bigger the better, so i feel demure and feminine, i am such a dominant person also.sex means absolutely nothing to me.it's a fk is a fk is a fki can't make love. i am never connected to myself let alone the other person.. oh i lierecently with my old school friend (see other post) at one point he was struggling and i tightened my arms around him to comfort him! it was odd, like i actually cared about him. i was comforting him.. i have never felt so exposed or vulnerable in my life (during the whole thing).. i am used to fking like a porn star and getting my and his rocks off..who knows, i may be able to actually have a relationship one day that is not destructive.. will let you know

  2. I used to love sex, but I'm the type who becomes emotionally attached. It always ends bad for me because of course a fuck is just a fuck, when you hardly know the person. But to me, it becomes more than that. In my mind, sex equaled love, so I always felt hurt and disappointed by men. I didn't think rationally. I loved the feel of sex, but all the hurt feelings that came with it afterwards, traumatized me. I haven't had sex in over a year because sex feels like rape to me now. I feel so vulnerable and used and worthless during the act and I think about guys who have mistreated me in the past and I start to cry. It's not an enjoyable experience for me. Sometimes I crave sex, but when I think about the reality of it, I don't want it.

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