Why did I finally give up the ideation of suicide?
I’ve tried to end it mostly by slashing my wrists and overdosing. I’ve thought about it in a hundred different ways, in a hundred different places though; while I’m driving, just keep going right off the road/cliff, or pull in front of a semi, walk in front of a moving vehicle, take all my anti-psychs, stab myself through a major vein, etc. All ways I have easy access to. So why don’t I?
In a nutshell: 2 reasons.
To fight back. Just before graduating high school a ‘friend’ of mine worked to break up my friendship with my closest friend. He succeeded and later in a drunken confession admitted he’d done it to see if I would kill myself. He’d known how depressed I’d been for so long and thought it would push me over the edge. He had no reason other than his own god complex. The problem with this scenario is; I rail against adversary. If someone expects me to be one way, I am another (as long as it suits me). I don’t just go with the flow of a situation. I fight back. This act actually made me less inclined to kill myself and made me more determined to not let people close to me so that I could protect myself, my self worth, and my life. I don’t just roll over and die, I come back swinging, fighting tooth and nail. If you expect something negative from me, I will prove you wrong. If you try to push me one way, I’ll push right back. The less someone believes in me, the more reason I’ll give them that they should.
But more importantly, I lost faith. I was raised without religion but even from a young age I held to the old Earth Religions, believed in Reincarnation and an afterlife of sorts. There was an ‘ever after’ that I didn’t fear. After so many tumultuous problems in my life I lost faith in the belief that there was anything better, anything beyond what I was currently living through. I adopted atheism (Well, technically I’m agnostic but a practicing atheist). No longer believing in an afterlife made me believe that this was my only chance at this life. Death is the end of my only chance. As long as I am alive, there is a chance to change things. I never considered suicide an option after this. I’ve always done whatever I could to hold to that potential for change.
Amusingly if anyone knows anything about the Tarot: Death is my card. Death is a card of change. Endings as a doorway for the potential of a new beginning. As long as I live there will be death, and change.