Birthday Weekend Update

I don’t do a lot of day to day personal entries but I think this might give a little insight into how it feels to live my life.
Friday was my birthday gathering. The only person I didn’t want there was the one person that declined my invitation. Unfortunately she wasn’t the only one that didn’t show up. My best friend didn’t show up. Of all the people that showed, he was the one person I really needed to be there. He didn’t even think to tell me he wasn’t coming until well after the party started and I had to ask him. I’m heartbroken. It felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. I’m devastated. He said he had food poisoning. I don’t believe him. Not even a little. I think he lied to me because he was too much of a coward to tell me he didn’t want to come. All the caring he said he had, gone, meaningless. A lie. I’m always disappointed. In the end I’m always disappointed. I put so much of myself into other people. I only end up getting hurt. Fuck. Maybe I do expect too much and just set myself up for all this. I just want people to care about me like I care about them. I guess that’s too much to ask for. So now I’m right back where I was so many fucking times before. Hurt. Disillusioned. Empty. That’s what I get for putting myself out there and wanting to be close. It always ends. And it’s my own damn fault for making the stupid fucking choices I made. In that moment I hated him, second guess everything he ever told me. How do you believe someone anymore when they can’t do one thing that they know is so important to you. I almost never ask anything of anyone. I don’t believe I have the right to impose one people. This was supposed to be the one day the people I care about should show they care about me. Just show up. He couldn’t even do that. I was anxious all day with the fear that he wouldn’t show and he didn’t. I rushed around trying to fill my time. Woke up early to make a Peanut butter cake with chocolate peanutbutter ganache filling and whipped cream cheese frosting. Made fresh bruschetta and homemade chicken tenders. Anxiety pulling at me the whole time. You’d think that would help me prepare for the disappointment. Nope. The stupid thing is. I laughed so much that night. After about an hour of silently dying inside, I just kept drinking. All my friends that did show up had a great time. They were wonderful and it was a night of non stop stupid movies, MST3K (yeah I’m a nerd), and what should have been a truly good evening for me. And in all honesty it really was a great evening, even with the underlying disappointment. My sis was there and that is what really mattered. 
The next day my sister, her bf and one of  my other friends went out East for wine tasting. It was an insanely good time. I haven’t laughed so much in a very long time. So much I had tears streaming down my face. Moments at a time. When the laughter died down, even for a moment, all I felt was a pervasive sadness. A depression leaving me hollow and tired. Then the next minute I’d be laughing again. Always tempered by how quickly I would slip back into my blacker thoughts.  Went to dinner at a really great BBQ place. More laughter, more sadness. From here we went to the Floating Kabarette in Brooklyn. I was exhausted. My body giving up on me. This is one of my favorite venues. Beautiful and entertaining. I could lose myself in each act, each performance, my mind distracted, but at each intermission I would have time to think again. I could feel myself slipping away, just listening to the others talk and laugh and have a good time. I pretended. Bouncing to the music, dancing in my seat, putting on a happy face so no one would know that anything was wrong.
My sister and her bf left early Sunday morning. I was done. I knew they’d have to leave soon, but it never feels like enough time. Everyone always leaves in the end and I’m left alone once again. I couldn’t pull myself out of bed. Slept most of the day. When I was awake I couldn’t stop crying, everything ached and hurt. Hours spent rocking in my bed, just trying to hold on. Fortunately I have a wonderful roommate that sat with my, held onto me while I lost it. I can’t keep going on like this. It’s too much for one person to take. I’m doing everything I can to get better, but nothing seems to help for long. I need something to work. Anything. I feel like I’m spiraling down into a black hole that’s impossible to return from. Hopeless despair.

There are days when understanding that these feelings are a part of my personality disorder helps. Not quite a comfort but at least provides some insight that I can work through. That understanding is often in retrospect though. In the moment, nothing else matters but the pain.

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7 comments on “Birthday Weekend Update

  1. I kinda know a little of what your saying. It sounds a lot like me in my younger days, though I was never so severe as yours. What ended up ending the cycle for me was a closer and more honest relationship with God. I did try also St. Johns Wort for awhile, but that stuff flatlined even the normal up and downs of daily life. I would recommend it as a temporary stabilizer, but not as a permanent fix unless you enjoy being a robot.I am sorry your friend did not show. A statement and a question, take or leave both since I only see through the mirror darkly. Statement: You can't control what other people do, only what you do. Easier said than accepted, I know. Question: Sometimes we drive people away by being too dependant on them. Could he be scared off? I only ask because I know when your self esteem is in the tank, it's easy to lean too hard on someone else instead of being your own strength. If it helps to ask the question, go ahead- if not, ignore it.I've had days bleak enough that even eyesight seems black-and -white. But the color will always come back. For me, it was stopping chewing on the pain like a dog on a bone. I pray the best for you on your journey.

  2. I'll pass on feeling like a robot. I'm working with my psych to find the proper meds for me. I agree with your statement. Which is why I kept my disappointment to myself and {eventually} enjoyed my evening as best I could. Heh. I couldn't be dependent on him if I tried. Maybe emotionally but it's a constant let down, which probably does contribute to why this was so important to me. I'm there for him more than he is for me. I do so much for him and his family. I learned not to bother asking for anything in return. I don't actually do things in order to get things in return. I just like to do things for the people I care about. This was the one thing that was important enough that I made it clear I really needed him to be there for. And he couldn't even do that. What really killed me though was that he didn't even think to call me and let me know. That, was a shitty thing for a friend to do. It feels weird hoping my friend was actually sick. But if it's a matter of him lying and betraying me and hoping he had food poisoning. I hope he really was vomiting his guts out.

  3. Hello!Thank you so much for writing to me. It can be difficult to write all of this sometimes but if I can help even one person it makes it absolutely worth it.I know how you feel. Ashamed of how I feel, how I act, how I push people away and lose my friends, lose myself. I've been there too. The things is, it's not your fault. You didn't choose to have this problem. If you want to change, want to work to live better, than you have nothing to be ashamed of. I am doing relatively better than I have previously. Don't lose hope! It has taken me a lot of work and effort to live a better life, but it is absolutely possible. If you're not completely sure if you're BPD, at the beginning of this blog (starting here: http://downwardspiralintothevortex.blogspot.com/2010/12/dsm-iv-checklist-criteria-1.html ) I go over the specific criteria of the DSM diagnosis and how I relate to each thing. I think it really highlights the struggles of my youth and what I battle with currently. In recognizing what my problems are, I feel better prepared to deal with them and live a more functional life. It may help you too. I also strongly encourage you to seek external help. I'm sure your friends are great, but even friends are no substitute for a professional perspective. Being proactive with this curse is the best way to regain control of your life. There is no miracle cure for BPD, but therapy has done wonders for helping me maintain my sanity and leading a fuller life. I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement.

  4. Coming to terms with a diagnosis of borderline personality can be overwhelming. Your moods have probably been high and low, emotional for a while now. Finding a professional therapist to work with weekly will be helpful in talking about your thoughts and feelings. If you are assessed for medication consider it. Staying on your meds and doing your work in psychotherapy may help you to live a normal happy life. http://www.ilissabanhazlmft.com

  5. @Ilissa… It can definitely be a little overwhelming. I'm trying to stay as educated and informed as I can be. Currently I am medicated, though I don't believe there is a medical cure for a personality disorder. I am also in therapy, twice a week, right now. I've spent so much of my life struggling and swinging between highs and lows. I hate that it took me hitting my lowest point to finally reach for the kind of advice that you suggested, but I am doing just that. I really hope you're right. I've never known a normal, happy life. It seems like such a simple thing, but it really is one of my biggest goals.

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