My best friends in college really made me see just how pervasive BPD was in my life. Our lives were so parallel, so exactly the same. When her mood would shift, my mood would have shifted in the same way (even before we had talked to each other and knew how the other felt). When I was up, she was up. It was actually pretty creepy how synced our lives were. She was the first person I ever met that truly understood how my brain worked. How we fuctioned was our one difference. Where she was low functioning, I was very clearly high functioning.
She mostly managed to do the essential things. But more often than not, if she was down, she couldn’t get out of bed. She’d lie there for days trapped in her depression, lost to the world. Everything dragging and painful. Her relationships were traumatic and charged with furious fights and tears. She’d get drunk, drive to a secluded spot and cut her arms, waiting for her girlfriend to find her. Continuing the fight. Not wanting to be with her, but being afraid to lose her at the same time. Every relationship was marked by the last encounter. She would count the days until the next explosion and measure the value of her relationships by how long the ‘good periods’ lasted. Which, inevitably, weren’t very long. Her home life was a mess of turbulence, pushing away even her family who she believed couldn’t accept her and wouldn’t support her in seeking the help she needed. Her emotions were written all over her face. There was no hiding how she felt. No hiding from how she functioned. Her anxiety made it impossible for her to face the world. Every action that someone did, everything someone said could have a dozen different meanings, all of them bad and meant to injure her. Of course, this wasn’t generally true, but it’s what it felt like for her. This made her push people away, refuse to allow closer bonds to form, or if they did she’d pick them apart looking for weak links that could be used against her.
In time though, she realized she couldn’t keep living like this. She has since started therapy and is on anti-anxiety medication. She is engaged and is successfully completing University. It took dedication on her part, but she’s slowly pulling herself up.
Of course, there’s a lot of room in between high-functioning and low functioning BP’s.