Update: So I asked my friend why he didn’t ask me how I was doing anymore. When I got back from the gym he had responded. Though in the mean time I had convinced myself that his wife was interfering to disrupt our relationshp, and our friendship was ending. Anyways, he said he just hadn’t realized and then asked how I was. My cognitive/emotional process? I was relieved and instantly felt better because he had responded and we continued chatting as normal. Cognitively I am suspicious and I don’t believe him. How do you do something everyday for almost a year, deviate, and not notice that you’ve deviated? He has no reason to lie to me, and as far as I know, has never lied to me before. Trust issues much? You betcha. Feeling betrayed and relieved at the same time is exhausting and incredibly confusing.
Arg. Being bored drives me insane. I’m down to my last few days at this current job. I have no more work to do. I absolutely can’t stand this. I’m antsy and anxious. I’ve asked my boss for some small project to do (he hasn’t responded to my request), I have read all of the blogs I follow, done a ton of research for my own (seriously I have fodder for probably 75 posts), updated my Tumblr (which is an extension of this blog but with more pictures), got up, smoked a cigarette, I’ll go to the gym on my lunch break, exhausted my news sites…. And it’s not even noon. I can not just sit here all day and stare at my screen with nothing to keep me entertained. I’m actually looking forward to nuking a veggie sausage and chopping up my apple at lunch just to have something to do with my hands. I’m ridiculously frustrated. I do not sit still well. My brain keeps roaming down destructive paths, like why does my friend IM me everyday but has begun to deviate from our traditional greeting? Of course I ruminate on this for days and finally ask him, but he hasn’t responded and now I think he’s trying to ignore it and avoid answering the question. Then with another friend I’m plotting to take over a dormant volcano to create a young super villains’ boarding school. Who does that? At least going to the gym spends time. It almost goes too fast. Going to the gym is like a time machine. It’s wonderful. Driving there takes time, working out takes time, I even read while I’m biking or doing some other forms of cardio so I’m distracting myself while I’m distracted. It’s like taking myself completely out of my own world and dropping me into a parallel dimension of productivity. Time flies, my mood lifts, I come back to work, and suddenly the hours begin to drag on and on and on again. This is intolerable. I don’t like having the space for my thoughts to roam freely. They like to find the hardest places and off road into peril, BASE jumping off cliffs without a freaking parachute. Ugh. This is why I am always busy. This is why I actually like to work and be challenged and immerse my mind in the most difficult things I can find. It blots out the noise.