Skipping around a bit. I may not do all the conceptions as presented by John G. Gunderson. Embarrassing impulsive behavior and abandonment issues are pretty done to death here and I just don’t feel like doing it again.
– Poor social adaptation: in a way, borderlines tend not to know or understand the rules regarding performance in job and academic settings.
Hm. I think often times this is a problem with boundaries. Someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t understand the proper boundaries for different environments. So ruled by their emotions they neglect to notice that those around them do not respond in the same way. The instinctive nature to act out, not hold in, is not appropriate for a place external to their personal sphere. What is going on inside does not trump what needs to be done outside. In the work place, you’re there for the customer, to produce a product that is unrelated to your own life. Being so often emotionally overwhelmed it overshadows the ability to perform for someone else.
I tend towards the extreme opposite. My identity slips from one to another to completely immerse myself into different environments. I’d like to say this is a tribute to my more High Functioning tendencies, but I can’t. I don’t utterly disrupt the setting, instead I lose myself. At work, I have almost no personality. I feel awkward and out of place because I have no solid sense of self. If I act the way I normally would, I would, be causing a scene. I would disrupt the professionalism of the environment. Also, being in an almost completely older, male dominated environment I don’t even maintain a steady adaptation of the shadow I do create. When I’m out on the floor, in meetings, talking to shop workers or other engineers, I’m harder, more forceful, business bitch efficient. But in less formal venues, sitting around my office, training sessions… I always keep a notebook and a book with me. I generally try to hide inside myself, not make eye contact, try to look busy. When I don’t, inevitably, people talk to me. I have very little patience for random people. Especially random boys trying to dazzle me with their less than witty repartee. It’s a physical effort to keep the catty sarcastic bitch reigned in. To not yawn in their face and show my boredom. I fail utterly at social etiquette. Those niceties that make people comfortable around you. Want to be around you. I can ride on my looks a bit here. It’s a double edged sword though. And I have this annoying tendency to smile, which I’m told is rather pleasant. Especially when I talk to new people. I need to learn to smile less when I talk to new people. I feel it gives the wrong impression. That I am less prickly than I really am and invites people to drop in on me rather more often than I would normally encourage. I can’t seem to manage to NOT smile though. It’s like a nervous tick, with more teeth. I don’t want to be unprofessional and stone cold = bitch, don’t want to be too soft and friendly = people won’t leave me alone at all and I have to constantly fend off silly boys bothering me. If I’m too nice I’m girly and it undermines my intelligence. No, this is not a distorted perception. In my field this has been a big problem. If I throw all my education to the fore I’m a snob and people don’t want to deal with me. I have absolutely no balance here. No idea how to fit in. To blend. No matter what I do I feel like I stick out.
My thoughts are disjointed on this subject and I may have missed the point. Mostly I want the day to end so I can go to the gym, draw, write, read, go do something relaxing and more engaging. Dealing with people, trying to maintain an image of myself that I don’t belong in, is exhausting. Wrapping myself in someone else’s skin. It makes my face hurt.