Ugh. Therapist decided to change my appointment from Thursday to today. For the last few months I had therapy Monday and Thursday. I just recently went back to one day a week (Thursday).
I just, really don’t want to go in today. I had wanted to go to the gym, but I realized I can’t go to the gym because I can barely sit up straight. 2 glasses of wine and half a bottle of vodka on top of maybe 2 hours of sleep last night… practically no sleep for the last 2 weeks. I wanted to go home and go to bed. I had a really messy weekend, so I probably should go in, but I just can’t make up my mind. Sleep or therapy. I had my night all planned out already. It was easy and I didn’t have to think about it. Work, home, sleep. Therapy is driving all over, an extra two hours out of my night. It’s probably a good idea to tell her what happened this weekend while I’m still feeling the effects of it. But if I just went home and got some sleep I would feel better on my own. Or, at least, I wouldn’t have to think so much and that’s better all by itself, right?
I can do reasearch for an Institute of Nuclear Physics because I know exactly what needs to be done but ask me to deviate from my plans and my brain freezes. It’s not a big deal. Changing plans shouldn’t be so disconcerting. I can’t make decisions like this.
If I could get some sleep I could be productive in therapy. If I go to therapy I might actually be able to work out why I’m not sleeping. If I go to therapy I can’t get as much sleep. If I wasn’t so bloody tired this wouldn’t stress me out so much.
I’ll probably just go. What’s one more day of less sleep? Geezus this is asinine.
I just want to lie in bed and listen to the rain. Loves the sound of the rain.
EDIT: So I went to therapy, which is cutting into my going to bed early (as is the update for this post). However it was a good decision. Therapist sort of redeemed herself from Thursday which was important. Completely dissociating from my emotions is not the goal here. She got a clearer picture of what goes on in my head, how much I act in (impulsive/destructive), which is important because I don’t think she’d really gotten it so much and I’ve just been feeling misunderstood and frustrated. She talked almost more than I did. She made a point of validating my feelings. I’ll talk more about Validation in another post.
Therapy homework: I am apparently running from my feelings; hence the drinking and bulimic binges. Instead of dealing with my emotions I’ve turned them off. I don’t mean to, it’s just how I work at this point. When I am in a dissociative state it’s important to pay attention to my reactions from different experiences. I need to sit down and write everyday about those reactions. Recognize that I am feeling, what I’m feeling, where these emotions come from and why I’m experiencing them the way I do. Once I begin to recognize and process the states that I am in, hopefully I can begin to integrate my cognitive understanding of the emotions at the same time that I am feeling them. This is actually helpful advice.
So the moral of the story is: Go to therapy kids. You get homework. Hm, wait. Everyone has off days, but it doesn’t mean you can’t get something valuable from them.