Adding to the Cocktail…


Festive isn’t it? 

So there are times I miss therapy twice a week. But not on the weeks where I have therapy twice a week and a psychiatrist appointment. 3 mental health days per week is just silly.


Saw the psychiatrist today. Seeing Dr. Y is not an in depth analysis. He’s primarily a drug doctor. I talk to him for about 15 minutes about the big stuff and he gives me drugs. I was telling him about major fluxuations between intense anger and complete detachment. How I feel like I’m floating and retreating inwards when things conflict with me. And this is a particularly depressing time of year for me (Spoiler Alert: stay tuned for tomorrow!). He asked about the techniques that my therapist and I utilize. We discussed that for a hot minute as he nodded and took notes in my file.

Then states… for the record: There is no medication for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Thanks, doc. I got that.

Bleh, so he’s increased my Lamictal to 300 mg. 150mg 2x/day. Excellent. So far I don’t think this is doing anything for me. Maaaaaaaaaaybe a little, but not enough for it to matter.

Trazadone 75-100 mg /night as needed.

And now…

Risperdal ! Awesome. This is another atypical antipsychotic. Remember the last time I was on an atypical antipsychotic/SSRI? I gained like 15-20 pounds! Fuck that noise. Do you have any idea how much that screws with someone that’s eating disordered? Fail. It’s taken me forever to get back down to an acceptable size and I’ve still a couple pounds left to knock off.  He assures me that the dose is so small that it should not affect me adversely, only be a mild aid to the Lamictal. Seriously. I swear, if my waist gets half an inch over 25” again I’m gonna shove a pie down someone’s hole.

So anyways, he decided this would be a beneficial addition in order to treat my…. ambivalence? I didn’t know you could medicate ambivalence. You learn something new every day.

I keep having flashes to that scene in Girl, Interrupted between Susanna and the psychiatrist

Susanna: I’m ambivalent. In fact that’s my new favorite word. 
Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence? 
{blah blah blah} 
Dr. Wick: {blah} Ambivalence suggests strong feelings… in opposition. The prefix, as in “ambidextrous,” means “both.” The rest of it, in Latin, means “vigor.” The word suggests that you are torn… between two opposing courses of action. 
Susanna: Will I stay or will I go? 
Dr. Wick: Am I sane… or, am I crazy? 
Susanna: Those aren’t courses of action. 
Dr. Wick: They can be, dear – for some. 
Susanna: Well, then – it’s the wrong word. 
Dr. Wick: No. I think it’s perfect.
 

Mind you, I never used this word. I just said I was very angry and detached, he came up with this one.

Anyways,

So I diligently looked up Risperdal upon arriving home. Of all the things this drug is used for THIS is my favorite: cure persistent or intractable hiccups. I kid you not.

The list of side effects does not please me. Not that I couldn’t use a decreased sexual interest but weight gain, insomnia, and dysphoria in particular are all things we’re trying to avoid here.

Harumpf. And the medication-go-round goes round and round.

Med count:
Lamictal: 300mg/day
Trazadone: 100mg/day
Risperdal: 0.5mg/day
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2 comments on “Adding to the Cocktail…

  1. Eh. Worst case I don't bother with the atypical antipsych, chalk it up to my characterological predisposition for being difficult, and carry on, carry on.

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