We also discussed, surprise, my trip to the psych ER. How I am easily capable of switching from one mode to another. Moreso, that I can recognize when I’m doing this, in hindsight anyways. On a cognitive level I generally know what is going on. My problem being that what I think and what I feel are often completely at odds and I have no way to resolve this.
This was another week when I think she’s just too positive. Sometimes I think she wants to believe that I’m not so messed up. That she downplays my issues, associations, and shifts. I’m not sure I should keep seeing her or find someone new. I know this is an impulsive thought. If I dropped her and found a new therapist I’d have to reset all my progress. But I need her to see me, and not just want the best for me. I get so bloody frustrated and angry. Lately she’s been focusing almost exclusively on my dissociation too. Yes, I have problems here, but that’s NOT the extent of it. I have other problems I need to work through. I need her to listen but I can’t always express it. I’m floundering between showing my anger and holding back because I don’t know how to do it in a way that isn’t destructive. I’m also worried that if I flip out she’ll get scared. It’s part of the reason I switched the conversation to my trip to the ER. She needs to understand what goes on with me when I’m more turbulent.
Note: Make sure your therapist has a more rounded perspective of who you are is just as important as having a therapist that is compatible with you.
My therapist often brings up, buying a house, finding a healthy partner, getting married, having children. I don’t know if I want any of these things. I can’t fathom the idea of having a house. I’ve never had a stable home. Ever. I’ve never lived in a place for longer than a year since high school. Since graduating University I moved, in 4 months, in 6 months and then ever year since. My home life before college was incredibly unstable. At one point I ran away. I have no concept of a stable home. Living with my current roommate has been wonderful. We’re reaching the one year mark now. I can’t internalize it though. I’m just waiting for it to change or fall apart. A healthy relationship? What the hell is that? Marriage? I can’t even fathom someone wanting to put up with my brain crazy for any amount of time, let alone want to spend their life with me. Children are right out. I refuse to even consider the concept. I have no clue what I want, what direction I want my life to go. Granted, I suppose that doesn’t mean it’s not a good thing to think about.
Finding a healthy relationship always makes me laugh whenever she brings it up. I wouldn’t know what one of these looked like if attached to my head like a Facehugger from Aliens. She wants me to reassure her that I won’t make the same mistakes that I’ve made before. Since I know that my choices have been unhealthy that I won’t make them again. Except I don’t know they’re unhealthy until they are. My history shows that no matter how much I know about something, I’m attracted to what I’m attracted to and that’s rarely a good choice. The only time I get worked up over someone and don’t want to lose them is when we’re in conflict. When we’ve fought or one of use pushes away (usually me). Otherwise I just feel smothered and bored.
For whatever reason this homework just makes me angry and I don’t want to do it.