Bordering on crazy at the Con



Sith Twi’lek



This past weekend was my Sci-Fi Convention. I’m a complete and utter geek. This has been established. I am unabashedly geeky.  Saturday was kind of ridiculous. Got to the Con around 10am. Friend and I were doing our Star Wars thing. Dark Lord/Lady of the Sith. He is my Master, I’m his apprentice. Think of it like Darth Sidious and Darth Vader. Sidious is the Master. Vader is the apprentice. Anyways, we have our own personas, not some pre-fabricated existing Star Wars characters. I have no awkwardness about Friend anymore. Well, mostly. I still can’t watch him being cute with the wife. It’s just uncomfortable. But she wasn’t around for our day/night so it wasn’t a problem. My costume came out really, really well. This was supported by the fact that I could not go 5 feet without someone stopping me, or me and Friend, to take pictures. I was approached by at least 5 professional photographers, one of which wanted to do a photo shoot with me in the future. Neat. This was amusing, until it wasn’t. I just wanted to check stuff out and maybe buy some things (which I didn’t b/c the dealers floor sucked this year). Ran into a creepy club guy I knew, I wanted to smack him. Ran into a guy that I can only tolerate for about 5 minutes, but he KEPT talking, wanted to throttle him. By the time late evening rolled around I was starting to panic with the shear amount of people that wouldn’t leave me be. Friend and I hid in an auditorium during panel just to escape the hoard. After this I took off, could no longer deal with the crush of the crowd. Too much fluxuation is exhausting. I even managed to Control my dysmorphia. This I feel, is one of my biggest accomplishments this weekend. All in all though, a very successful experience.
The next day I mellowed out the costuming to something pretty and cute. Did a 50’s style rockabilly swing dress with thigh highs with a back seam. Admittedly I did this to tease Friend. It’s a fetish of his and I intentionally hit his buttons to amusing effect. Especially since he knew I had probably gotten these for him when we were actually messing around. Which I did. Watching him squirm, not be able to touch gave me a little spike of pleasure every time I caught him looking. I’m mean, maybe a little manipulative. Idk. Call it what you will. We actually had a really nice day lounging about and talking with people we knew.
Until the karmic retribution kicked in. I was sitting around the lobby with all my closer friends. By the end of the Con and break down was starting who do I see? Boring-ex. This in itself wasn’t bad. He’s completely forgettable and uninteresting to me. I ignored him. What made me a little mad was, the only reason he would have volunteered to work the Con would be to poke at me. This was the first year I hadn’t volunteered for the Con (I always volunteer because I am friends with everyone that runs it). He never even went, vehemently disliking it, until I dragged him to it last year where he still didn’t have a good time and actively complained about the volunteer director. He was working where I always did. It was obviously to bother me b/c. I fought the urge to lash out and tell him how dick he was. I was more pissed at the lady that let him volunteer, because she knew he was my ex. The stupid thing was, I didn’t really care. I just wanted to flip out. He was being a dick, intentionally poking at me, trying to bother me, which it really didn’t and I still wanted to smash his head into the ground. But hey, maybe he’s had a change of heart and loves the Con and isn’t a wacky boring stalker? What did bother me… was seeing Evil-Ex. I knew he’d probably be here, but miraculously hadn’t seen him. It was only about an hour before I was going to leave so I’d completely relaxed figuring it was safe. Nope. I haven’t seen him in over a year. Not since I moved out of our house. I don’t think it was the seeing him, so much as I was taken completely by surprise and not prepared for it. My stomach jumped into my throat and I needed to get out. (Friend) Good, relaxed, almost happy even (I’m honestly not sure I know what this feels like), (B-ex) annoyed, wrath, amusement, indifference, (E-ex) panic, nauseous, panic, anger, (myself) revulsion, anger at myself for letting him get to me, depressed… all in the span of about 15 minutes. Not together mind  you. I don’t do emotions simultaneously. I cycle, rapidly. One to another. I left, grabbed my wine, and went to Friends to not be alone. Curled up on his couch, depressed, binged at dinner, vomited immediately after, curled back up with my drink until it was time to go home and go to bed. It’s so hopeless sometimes.
What amused me was I had dreams with Boring-ex in them last night: We were at some house together. He was doing work. I was ignoring him. We kept our distance. He kept inching closer though. Doing that thing where you want to make someone aware of your presence to inspire a reaction, but not interact. I noted him there, but went about whatever. Finally I was sitting on the couch drawing and he sat right next to me. Crossed his leg which made him hit my drawing pad. I lost my shit. Screaming, completely enraged. Wrath personified: Which is exactly what I wanted to do earlier that day and repressed the urge. My subConscious said no, you needed to do this. Not just needed to. FUCKING needed to. That’s what I get for repressing my urges. They come out anyways and disrupt me when I’m resting.
Along these lines, I’m actually getting sick of my medication. I know it’s supposed to help me Control myself. In general I haven’t been having such extreme mood swings. Not that I haven’t still been cycling, and exceptionally angry, but not so explosive.  The alcohol and the bulimic crap don’t speak well for my impulsiveness though. I can’t seem to get ahold on those. Meh. I just can’t tell how much the meds help me. When I’m fine, I’m fine and maybe it’s the meds. But when I’m not, I still do the stuff I’m supposed to be fixing. I know there’s no quick fix for this. It’s going to take a long time. A lot of work. It’s hard to see so far down the road when I’m so stuck in the right now.
Edit: Just found out I’m in one of the local papers for my Sith costume! Neat. I am really proud of how it came out. Especially since I made 90% of it by hand.
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13 comments on “Bordering on crazy at the Con

  1. Do we get to see pictures of your costume? I think I hate the cycling more than the feeling. It's exhausting especially for the people chasing me as I cycle from 0 to 100 back to 0 before they can even figure out which direction I went or why I am even going there. I will tell you what my husband always tells me. Stop looking and thinking about what's down the road. It will still be there when you finally reach it. Just worry about where you're right now. There is no point in worrying about later when you don't know if there will even be a later. He really keeps me focused on the here and now and I have to say it is the one thing that helps me the most.

  2. ::nods:: yeah, really when those moods are so tubulent, and so many turbulent moods in such a short span, all there is, is the moment. I have a hard time just telling myself to be calm. I can appear calm, so that's what I try to focus on. There's no stopping what goes on inside though. Just have to ride it out and get by with as little damage as I can. Fortunately I had a ton of friends around me so there was a good support base. It really is so exhausting. I went home and collapsed on Friends couch as soon as it was done. I couldn't even bring myself to put real clothes on. Just went over in pajamas.

  3. did you get your superfancy light-sabre? do you keep a mood diary? i know it's very helpful for bipolars to see patterns and to see evidence of whether taking the drugs makes a difference or not. you're a scientist ffs so keep a record! 🙂

  4. I /made/ my superfancy lightsabers. Also, two of them, I use dual Shotos blades. Just the hilts for now though. They came out brilliantly. I'll be doing fully functional ones in a couple weeks. I do have a mood tracker. I've been using it every day since October. I should post it. I don't think I'm nearly so bad as I was, but I'm also not in a relationship right now, and my BPD is a million times worse when I'm involved. So many factors, so many variables. Recors are important!

  5. It's technically a Sci-Fi, Medieval, and Anime Convention. And yeah, it's a really big event spanning 3 days. I don't bother with the Medievalism there bc it's nowhere near as involved as what I do. Anime is crap, but this is actually what most people do. It's really creepy. There's definitely a big Sci-Fi following, but there's a lot of other stuff like Trekkies, Stargate, Babylon 5, Battlestar Galactica, Dr. Who, etc. As far as Star Wars goes, there's actually an Official Jedi chapter here. Let me tell you, our costumes blew them the hell out of the water. Most of their stuff is bought, which is totally fine, but for the most part didn't put much creativity into it at all. They were really impressed with us. Especially with our light sabers. They flipped out over mine asking me where I bought them and stuff. We were like, um, we made them in the kitchen one afternoon. Hah. They were floored. Clearly not crafty people the way we are. I was also really unimpressed with their knowledge of Star Wars. Kind of like they watched the movies but nothing beyond that. There's at least 5000 years after the movies and 25000 years before! I mean, really? An official SW chapter and they don't know any more of the history? There were even two Jedi Twi'lek (yellow and pink) that didn't know there were red Twi'lek! I mean sure, it's a rare gentic mutation but Darth Talon is one of the most notorious female Sith (see above pic)! I may have a bit of geek snobbery here. There was only one other independent Sith whose costume was really nicely constructed. So yeah, there was a lot of basic robes and gee style costumes that were rather simple. I don't do simple. I do crazy. Surprise, haha.

  6. So you were a red Twi'lek for the three days, then? AND you got into the local paper? That's impressive. What does being a red twi'lek entail, racially? Is it like Darth Maul style with very red skin, or something else?I think some people obsess over the films, and some people obsess over the whole shebang. Not too many of the latter, you know?If I ever got into it, I'd totally rock the Mandalorian shtik. Best costumes, most badass culture back ground (as far as war goes)

  7. Haven, your breed is very, Hellboy-ish. I am not one to go sleeping around with Sith, but I am digging your look. So, uh, what are you doing later, say, around, ten? We could spar, you know. I'm pretty good with a bow staff.

  8. Oh I only went for two days, and did my Twi'lek costume for one. I don't think I could have handled two days of nonstop photos. Drive me crazier. Red Twi'lek (Lethan) are one of the rarest types b/c their coloration is due to a genetic mutation. The rarer the color the more sought after they are. This is purely deductive speculation, but the red tend to be highly coveted and generally unobtainable. The Twi'lek females as a species tend to be sold into slavery or taken for entertainment. However with the red coloration seems to come an indomitable attitude. All the red Twi'lek I've found are in positions of some kind of power. And nobody fucks with the Sith in general. Darth Maul was a different species and red was a natural coloration for them, whereas it's mutation for the Twi'lek. Either way, the end result is natural red skin. All the black you see on either of them are Sith tattoos. It was risky to do this because you're declaring publicly that you're Sith and there's no hiding your affiliation. The Mandalorian are rather badass. I can definitely see them fitting for you =)

  9. Haven, found you through…I think it was…some medical blog anyway, and you are the blog I've been looking for. Fascinating, unusual, downright interesting. Thanks for sharing!

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