It’s Your Party and I’ll… Do Something Better if I want to

Fuck. So it’s Friends 10th year wedding anniversary coming up in a month. The wife sent out invites a couple weeks ago and I’ve known about it for ages. I’ve been completely ignoring it. I DO NOT want to go. I’m also trying to reign in the venom and not say “you guys are awful, leave me the fuck alone, can’t you see you bother me?”
I’ve been avoiding the whole thing, leaving the room when it’s mentioned, ignoring the inevitable FB invite.
Friend and I were having a day of our usual geekery and philosophical chatting. Out of nowhere he asks if I’m coming to the anniversary party. I ask him when it is (even though I have a vague idea). Two seconds later Wife IMs me and asks if I’m coming. She’s as neurotic as I am, if not more, decided having Friend ask me would be too slow and IMed me directly. Our conversations go like this.
Wife: Hi
Me: Hi Lady
Wife: How’re you?
Me: Was bleh, now better. How’re you?
Wife: Doing pretty well. Oh! Randomly, are you coming to the party?
>> How is this random? She doesn’t IM me unless she has an intent. I know this. If she doesn’t know this she’s retarded. Why the pretense? Anyways.
I tell her it’s still a ways off and it’s going to depend entirely on my moods. I’ve been exceedingly angry lately and I shouldn’t bring that to a party. She says “I’ll put you down for a maybe, even though it’s a probably.” Really? You think so? Unbeknownst to her because I don’t talk to her about personal stuff I’m mostly  just uncomfortable being around the two of them together and I sure as hell don’t want to celebrate them being together. Fuck that noise.
So back to Friend. I had asked him when the party was, he still hadn’t responded so I informed him of the date. Told him Wife’s idea of random was surprisingly not random. To which he responded with, I’m sure she just wants to know how many to prepare dinner for. 

What. The. Fuck. Ever.
She’s neurotic like me.  She just wants to know who’s coming to her party. They’re BBQing for Fucks sake.  I told him it will depend on my moods. Don’t plan for me, I’d show or I won’t. He said… ok. And then that was it. I sent him a link for a fighting school I was contemplating joining because we’d just been talking about this stuff and 15 minutes later all I get is “Neat”.
So I’m sitting there freaking the hell out. I’m sure he’s pissed at me. His silence in response to my, I’m not giving you a definite yes is obvious. He’s mad. Our friendship is probably over. He’s going to hate me. But I’m not wrong! I don’t want to be there so why should I be! I’m a masochist. I know this. But isn’t the point of getting better to not be a masochist? So going and sitting there as they’re all cute is just going to make me all uncomfortable and sting at me. Why put myself through that? Because he’d want me to? I was just all impressed by how well he perceived me at the Sci-Fi Con and then he’s all oblivious today. Either I’m really good at hiding my problems or he’s an idiot. I’m sure he was just asking because the wife asked him to. He’s a guy, he didn’t even remember when the thing was, he didn’t care. But since I said idk it’s a problem. Now he’s not talking to me. He didn’t show up to my f-ing birthday when he knew it was important to me, why should I show up to his thing? It’s obviously not that important to him because he doesn’t even know when it is. But considering he hasn’t spoken to me since there’s clearly some hostile feelings there. Passive-aggressive. So sick of it. I want things to be ok. I actually have thoughts of going just so he won’t be mad. But I DON”T WANT TO! I’m sick of doing everything for everyone else. I know this will only hurt me. Why should I do it to make him, or her, happy? No fucking reason at all. He obviously doesn’t get it, or wants to ignore it, and yet I’m supposed to be ok with it? So now he’ll probably never talk to me again. Or even if he does he’ll be resentful. Pull back and not care so much because I couldn’t do this one thing. Our friendship is going to be over. My stomach has been in my fucking throat since I said I’d show or not. Minute by minute I’ve wanted to take it back, but not take it back. I want that entire minute of conversation to have never happened. But no, they have to push it. Fuck it. I’m so sick of having to make decisions that are hard for me. 
Our friendship is probably over.
Can’t I just do engineering? Quantum Mechanics? Astrophysics (my University minor)? Those are easy for me. No really. I started those things when I was 12. People on the other hand or so bloody hard for me. I don’t know what to do. Except throw wine at it. Wine makes so many things better. Like right now. Writing this? Way easier. 

7 comments on “It’s Your Party and I’ll… Do Something Better if I want to

  1. It seems kinda childish of him to be like that. Wish I could be of some help, but it sounds as if you have made up your mind that you don't want to go and all your reasons are valid ones. While I have no clue about astrophysics, I am certain I could figure it out much sooner and easier than trying to figure out people. People just make no fucking sense to me.

  2. Blah, that's the thing! He's probably not like that, it's just what it seems like to me. He probably doesn't think anything of it! I'm just a nutjob so it feels like everything is so huge ::headdesk:: I just want things to feel normal and not like the world is ending =(

  3. I feel your ::headdesk:: moment. I had one earlier this week. I talked to my therapist about it this morning, she thinks I'm probably exaggerating it in my mind. I said of course I am, but I still feel anxious and rejected, which reminds me that I'm still a borderline and that I can't just relax like everyone else. Aaaand then I feel even worse. Fuck my life, right?Just write out the facts, and JUST the facts. Remember that the things you're freaking out about are thoughts and emotions and assumptions. Recognize your fear, name it, and remember that there's a lot you don't know about his side, and that's okay. Just focus on what you do know…you're not going to that party because that is the healthy decision for you. That is a fact. You cannot control their reactions–fact. But you can (in theory) control your reactions. And I think its GREAT that you're not going to the damn BBQ, especially since all they're probably looking for is a high head count because for some reason that signifies success. Fuck it. You're taking care of yourself, because you're an adult, and they can start doing the same. 🙂

  4. "still feel anxious and rejected…reminds me that I'm still a borderline and that I can't just relax like everyon else…"Ugh. Exactly. ::sigh:: You're absolutely right. It's so hard to think through the tidalwave of emotions sometimes. It's part of the reason I blog these flip out moments. I can get it down, come back to it, and try to work through it. On the blog specifically bc while I'm trying to bring understanding to what BPD is, just facts and issues I don't think is enough. You can't really get an understanding of what it is if it's all analytical, b/c this is not a disorder of analytical thinking. Focusing on what I know is what's important. Taking care of me is more important. I really do not want to go. I won't go. Sticking to that decision is so hard though because I don't want him to be mad at me and lose him as a friend. Logically I know that if he's really a good friend he'll accept my decision, and what's stupid is, I'm sure he will. It's the uncertainty of it all that tears at me and causes so much anxiety.You're right though, they can take care of themselves, they don't need me to do that.

  5. Ask your friend if he's upset, explain to him rationally your hesitation toward going to this wedding thing. If you reasoning is irrational, lie to make it sound rational. Preferably, an emotional appeal. Those always work on Normals I've found, and you seem to have plenty of emotions, you just need to pick the right ones to display ;). There are always a plethora of solutions to any problem, and not all of them require you to compromise. Sometimes it is best to bottle up issues and readdress them at a time when your mind is calmer and you're able to think the situation through more objectively. For me that is often just before sleep or after meditation. Of course I realize, being on the complete opposite end of the emotional spectrum as you, I'm not qualified to give you explicit advice, considering we think so differently. I would still boldly suggest however, that you do have a nice informative chat with your friend (if you haven't already) and assess the situation from there. It is foolish to obsess about an issue not yet set in stone. Oh, and as a cautionary sidenote; I don't mean to be condescending, I just have always sounded that way. Ha. Can't help how I communicate now, can I?

  6. –if 'YOUR' reasoning is irrational, not 'you'.* God, I hate when I make stupid errors that make me sound like a halfwit. I apologize.

  7. I’m worried that if I outright ask him he’ll be suspicious that I don’t want to go b/c of them specifically. Telling him this outright would be the worst thing ever. That will push him away I’m sure of it. This would spin me down horribly. I planted the seeds to give me an out by saying it will depend on my moods. Since they know my moods are so volatile it’s an excuse, an out. He’s let me down a few times when I really needed him for things though so I think I can get away with it this once. I really don’t want to tell him how I feel about this whole thing because for the most part my feelings for him have subsided. That this thing still bothers me will show a loss of control and actually makes me angry at myself. I know I’m not in control of it, but I don’t want to let them know I’m not. I don’t want more awkwardness so I’m trying to hide it. I’m afraid it will just upset him, not to mention boost his ego that I still have this one hang up and I detest the thought of doing that. If someone doesn’t care about me the way I care(d) about them than I don’t want to give them something I’m not getting. I do care, but that doesn’t mean he needs to know how much. I think your suggestion of giving an emotional appeal or outright lying is probably my the best route. Stepping back and thinking it through when I’m more rational is also a very good idea. Don’t worry, you don’t sound condescending. I know you think differently.

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