Letting Go

I think I’m actually afraid to lose my BPD. It’s what I’ve always known. I don’t know what it is to be anything else. Yes, it completely sucks, it drives me crazy, I drive me crazy, but it’s familiar. I haven’t been without it since I was very young. Who will I be without it?
I think this is one of the reasons I’m worrying about my medication. On the one hand I want to get better; I want to not feel so turbulent all the time. On the other hand I’m afraid of losing the only way I know how to be. The thought of having to figure out who I am is like walking blind through a door when I don’t know what’s in the room.
I’m prepared for the way I deal with things now. Granted they may not be healthy ways of dealing with things, but at least I know. What if I don’t recognize myself? I already have a hard time looking into a mirror and knowing that the person staring back at me is actually me. A reflection of my Self. Will I be able to recognize myself when there’s someone different staring back at me?
It shouldn’t be, but it’s scary.
If I stop my medication it will probably be a big step back. A way to self-sabotage my progress. I’ve done this a lot. Sabotage what I have in order to push it away. What’s more, I know I shouldn’t do this, but I still want to, still have the urge to.
I have this need to do it now, before it’s too late, before I’ve let slip who I’m used to being because the person I might become won’t feel the need to do this.
Even when I’m not so crazed I’m still not right. I go numb and dissociate from my sense of Self. During these times intense anxiety is often what I’m riddled with but I don’t feel in my own skin so it’s manageable.
I don’t know what it is to live without this. I can’t actually tell you what it’s like to feel happy, not for more than a few days before the grip of fear and anxiety take over again. I know I shouldn’t want this. It is exactly what I’m trying to stop. I’m not sure I want to stop now. Abandoning part of who I am. I don’t want to lose me.
This is causing me a lot of anxiety. The stomach knotted into my throat kind of anxiety. I’m afraid to let go.
Will I still be me?

Will it?

21 comments on “Letting Go

  1. Seems we are having similar thoughts. I posted something similar today about sabotaging myself. It's your best friend and your worst enemy and you feel naked without it. Exposed. It's cycle that we (people with PD) seem to continuously repeat. We get "better" then freak out because we don't know how to handle "better" "normal" "calm". For us "better" is "crazy" "out of control" "unfamiliar" "scary". People without PD just don't get how scary it is to be "normal" especially when you have never been "normal" in your whole life. Keep taking your meds and hang in there. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel at least that is what everyone keeps telling me.

  2. Your condition, like many personality disorders, is a consequence of nurture, in that you needed to be the way you are as a coping mechanism.I think the question shouldn't be, will I still be me (clearly not) but do I still NEED to be me?

  3. @TNP… It is a lot nurture, maybe most, but it's also nature for me. If it was just nurture odds are my siblings would have issues too and they don't. If I wasn't predisposed to being this way I wouldn't have the responses I do. It's all just stupid because even my psych tells me there's no medicinal cure for BPD. I'll never be completely rid of it even with meds. That's a really good way to look at it though. It's not like I'll be losing the parts of me I like, my creativity, my interests, my abilities, etc. Meds won't spontaneously erase those things. The things that help me cope though… I'm afraid I'll still need them, but they are a detriment in dealing with people in a healthy manner. I should be able to cultivate better ways because the ways I have now are not serving me anymore. What if I try and I can't and I fail? Failing will only make me worse. If I don't try I can't fail. Can't succeed either.

  4. @Maasiyat… That's very much it. My normal is not other peoples normal, but it's still mine. My psych wants me on another anti-psychotic. I don't want to take it. It's a minimal dose. He says it won't affect me adversely. If there's no chance of it affecting me adversely, how is there a chance that it will affect me positively? Logic seems lacking there. I think he's just trying to placate my fears so I'll take the med to see if it helps despite the fact that the side effects are unacceptable to me. I'm still on the 'anti-depressent' but I don't want the anti-psychotic. I just don't. It's adding that specifically that's setting me off. I know it. I don't trust these meds.

  5. I totally understand about the meds. Meds always flipped me out and were the one thing that kept me from truly getting help. The first time they put me on prozac and lithium (not at the same time, different episodes) it really hit me, I am one of "those" people. I didn't want to be one of "those" people and as long as I didn't take the meds then I wasn't one of "them". Whatever "them" was. It's like learning how to walk a tight rope without a net. This is the only way we have ever known how to be and waht if we don't like the "med" me. What if people don't like the "med" me. Then what? You're definitely living in my head. Stealing my thoughts. Yep I see you there.

  6. @TNP… Lamictal is technically an anti-convulsant that shows effectiveness in treating Bipolar II depression. Trazadone is technically an anti-depressant but it's benefits are only minimal in that sense and it's used as a supplement b/c it does promot sleep. The Risperdal is the anti-psychotic that I'm fighting =(What did they want you one? Estrogen popped to mind, haha. Did you know excess testosterone reduces empathy?

  7. @Maasiyat… I absolutely refused medication until a couple years ago. Quit b/c of side effects. Then finally conceded to try again about a year later. Now I'm still on the medication-go-round to see what works. I hate it. I wasn't so worried about being one of 'those' people so much as, well, maybe I was. I hate the thought of having a pocket full of pills all the time. I don't want to be a zombie. I've seen Friend's wife zombify, I've seen my sister zombify… i don't want to do that and worse, not realize I'm doing it! Blarg. I like your head, it's an interesting view from your eyes b/c they're not mine ::tucks in::

  8. i know a guy who likes to be the centre of attention. he's a big guy. by big i mean fat. wide load. when he enters a room he is a presence. he has tried to lose weight but when he has he loses some of his physical presence and loses some of who he is – his personality occupies a niche that, in part, relies on his bulk. he always puts the weight back on.i can understand how someone can define themselves as the person they have been even if they want to be someone else, and if they start to change then that can be scary. but sometimes you have to take that scary step.

  9. Hah! Estrogen… You're close.Yes, not only does testosterone reduce empathy (already an issue with me) but it increases aggression. I used to do body building for a while and was a total prick (more so than now, can you imagine that?) and way more prone to violence.It's in society's best interest that I'm no longer super buff, hahahaha. Still damn handsome though 😉 Just no longer have 18.5 inch biceps.

  10. Haven, I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. It's like I mentioned in a previous comment "I'm afraid of letting my hurt go. I want it to be validated, and if I let it go, it's as if it never happened. It's like the pain is all you have that keeps you grounded in reality." Also, I think a little bit of what you're experiencing is something I was dealing with yesterday/earlier today (amazing how our experiences flip so quickly, huh?)…we have to separate ourselves from the borderline inside of us. I identify my "borderline" as my mother's voice, as hatred, disgust, failure…but I am not any of those things. I am not borderline, I just have it inside of me. I am a million other things, but borderline is an experience, not a definition of who I am. I know this all sounds great in theory. I know how hard it is, too. I'm still so afraid of moving forward, because, like you said, I know what to expect. Last night when I cut myself, I didn't want the pain to stop. It was safe, comfortable, tangible. I tell myself every single day that I am not defined by BPD, and that my personality disorder an experience…just a difficult, twisted, and slightly insane one 🙂

  11. @TNP… Estrogen is close? Now you have to tell me or I'll just keep thinking and wondering what the hell it is! 18.5" inch biceps? Geezes. That's like the size of my head. Ok, maybe not quite. I can only imagine if I had testosterone increase (which would be really weird). If my anger/aggression increased I'd probably be kicking the shit out of everyone and lose all my friends, hah.

  12. Haven, you won't lose who you are. That's your anxiety talking. Fear of the unknown. I'd say it would be a more refined version of yourself, with less of the crap, and more opportunity for the stuff you like about yourself to shine through. When it comes to medication however, I get you. It's a philosophical battle we tend to have about it. I'm still undecided on the subject.

  13. I have been advised that if you avoid tasks at hand, and get stuck doing the things that are "unhealthy" like going out with the same types over and over, the progress that you have made exacerbates the pd. Then again, this person doesn't believe in labeling. This person believes in logic. But they do have a point.Haven, I have been on every med under the sun. If and when you change the med, or abandon one, make sure to know that there can be a LONG period of adjustment. It may not all be your pd. Try not to get sucked into thinking you're depressed or getting high because of your pd. If you are a sensitive person, you might feel like acting out. I am going through a little something. @ notable:I have been through about different psychiatrists over a period of 14 years. Everytime I switch, I think I have struck gold and my GP asks whether or not he can recommend them to his sister. Everytime I see him–infrequently– his favorite thing to tell me is: "They're all nuts; I have had the strangest and most disturbing conversations…"

  14. oh, I don't mean to be negative! I am very happy with the one I see right now. I take 3 different meds and the dosages are small. I am always thinking I am going to get too high or low, and she lets me know that being disappointed and being depressed are not the same, and that fear and anxiety are not the same. It sounds obvious, but when you're debating whether or not to increase a dose, those reality checks are so important. The other thing she says is that I should try to enjoy my moods because not everyone is so lucky to have them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost kissed her. I felt like the other docs were so clinical.

  15. Res, that sounds like this guy I know who sort of makes it his choice. It's my own theory, but knowing who he is I can't help but speculate. He reinvents himself because he gets bored with either being too small or big. He constantly blows up, and then deflates. He's completely in control.. When he's dieting, he's got willpower, and when he's gaining, he's having a blast indulging. He just likes to switch perspectives. (I know this dude well.) And he loves himself. I swear he does it depending on which girls he wants to be with, or just to prove to everyone and himself he can be great in whatever skin.

  16. @Res …. that's a really good comparison actually. I'm trying to do the scary internal thing. Which amuses me b/c things external to me don't scare me at all. Bleh. Thanks.

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