I missed therapy last week because I was in Chicago. The brakes on my car went out so I missed therapy this Monday too, but my therapist was too concerned to let me go a whole other week and squeezed me in late last night.
I’ve been a serious mess. I missed my psychiatrist appointment some time ago b/c they didn’t call to remind me like they always do. I haven’t rescheduled. I don’t know if I want to go back. I decided I wasn’t going to take the Respirdal. Having not rescheduled my Pdoc appointment I’m almost out of my Lamictal, which I’m fine with. I’m weaning myself off. For the last few months I’ve been having really bad night sweats (gross, I know), and for the last two months I haven’t had my period (no, I’m not pregnant). I’ll go back eventually I’m sure. The thought of going back is making me really anxious and I don’t want to. I have been massively depressed the last few days but idk if this is because I’m coming off my meds or because the last week or two is just catching up to me and I’ve been exhausted. Anyways.
One of the first things my therapist said to me when I sat down was, “Wow, have you lost weight? You look like you’ve lost a lot of weight”. She didn’t really know me before I put on all the weight from the Symbyax so she doesn’t recognize this as being closer to my normal weight. However, my periodic bulimia has also become not so periodic. I’ve been binging, or just purging what I perceive as having eaten too much… almost every night for the last week. My weight loss has not actually been in any way dramatic in the last week though, so it’s probably a combination of that and my steady, healthier, weight loss. Last night was the first night I was really able to monitor myself and I didn’t throw up. She’s especially concerned because this is clearly an indicator of underlying emotional issues. I’ve been bored and lonely and I feel like I can’t fill up the time alone in my head. Food is there, it’s something to do, it keeps me busy, it’s comforting and satisfying, it fills me up physically… until it isn’t, and I realize I’ve gone too far and I’ll be paying for it in the morning. Then there’s the release, and I feel calm, and more in control. Release. Calm. Control. This is not the right way to go about finding these things.
She thinks a lot of my underlying issues still revolve around Friend and how I’m trying to maintain one aspect of our relationship (our friendship) while repressing and shutting down the feelings that came with the physical/emotional aspect of it. She thinks this conflict is causing me a lot of distress. I think I’m sick of all of it. I’m lonely. I’m very, very lonely. I need to accept the fact that Friend can not be the kind of friend I am used to and want to have. Accept this on all levels, not just the part where I obviously know this cognitively. I’m afraid to lose my friend, that I’ll lose one of the very few strong connections I have. A connection that I already feel is falling away from me. I can’t reconcile wanting to be friends with him and wanting to not be affected by him. I just want to enjoy the friendship and interests we have in common, but another part of my brain is yelling about how hurt it still is and won’t let me let go of it so I can just relax back into the comfortable space we used to share. It feels like a physical clashing inside my head. I’m lonely. I’m alone. I have no control over this feeling or this state.
From Myself towards Friend I want: To be free of the emotional baggage, have my friendship, and not feel used by everything that went on.
For Myself I want: Someone that I enjoy spending time with, that cares about me, and can be the kind of person that I need to have in my life.
Two separate things, of two separate sources.
Speaking of… I have a date Saturday =) I’m so out of the loop on this whole dating thing. I am really looking forward to it though. We seem to have a lot in common and she really does seem to be a warm, caring, positive person. One day at a time concerning her, but she’s someone to look forward to. If nothing else, a new friendship is healthy.
My therapist is hopeful. That I’m trying is even more important though. It’s so easy to stay locked in the same ruts and routines, regardless of how unhealthy they’ve become. It’s hard for me to pull myself away from something so familiar. I fall into those patterns because they’re predictable, they don’t change, I know what is coming next … even when it inevitably isn’t exactly what it was the time before. I have no way of predicting things I haven’t done before.
I don’t even know how to explain the anxiety that comes with the unexpected. What I’ve had before might not be good but it’s not surprising, there’s some line connecting the dots of the past, present, and future. I can’t predict everything, but I have some semblance of where my feet will fall. Pulling myself away from that familiarity… could lead down a path of wonderful adventures, but it’s all an unknown. What if it doesn’t work out and then I can’t find my way back? If I stop my patterns from before, I won’t be able to pick up where I left off. My connection will have slipped and I’ll be foreign there too.
What irritates me is I’m not a timid person. I’m not shy. I don’t let others lead me by the hand. I don’t balk at beginning new projects or endeavors… except when it comes to people. I’m still holding on to those last shredded threads of what had been this relationship. I don’t know how to let go and not lose all of it forever. I don’t know how to leave behind what something was and let it evolve into what it will be. It’s a leap of faith I need to take in myself.
All I can do is try.
She wanted to give me a journaling assignment and I could see her wanting to come up with something revolving around my bulimia but she decided against it. Instead:
Homework: Journal. Think about the therapeutic relationship I have with my therapist, whether I feel the space is safe, I feel she understands me, respects my boundaries, etc.
The things that immediately come to mind:
1.) I still don’t feel a connection to my therapist. Clearly I know and recognize her, but I don’t have any real attachment to her. I doubt this is her fault.
2.) I don’t think she sees me for me at all. However, I also think this is because my view of myself is so distorted. I’m not sure I actually see me for me. I’m a depressed, terrible, flawed person. I know all of my faults and imperfections. I see them all clearly. She tells me that I’m a role model for how well I treat those around me, for all that I’ve accomplished, that I’m capable of doing etc. What she sees in me, I don’t see in me. Is this her failing or mine? Probably mine. She chooses to focus on the positive. I almost exclusively see the negative. I feel like she’s ignoring the negative because she wants to see the positive, but I’m beginning to wonder if she’s really just trying to get me to see myself in a more rounded way. She obviously works with me on the imperfect parts of my life. She’s not ignoring that. Maybe she just doesn’t have as hard a time remembering the other aspects of my life that I don’t seem to be able to hold onto.
3.) I’m not sure I have boundaries. If she doesn’t push my boundaries how am I going to uncover what I need to figure out about myself? If anyone should be able to pull me out of my comfort zone and confront the aspects of myself that I don’t want to face, it should be her. Right?
Those are my thoughts for today. I’m a little out of it. Distinctly depersonalizing more often, again.