Psychiatrist was NOT happy with me. I missed my psych appointment at the beginning of the month. I stopped taking my meds altogether. I’m pretty certain he was ready to send me on my way. He actually suggested I seek a second opinion from another psychiatrist… if I don’t believe him, maybe having multiple opinions will convince me that medication is necessary.
Ultimately it’s my choice. He believes I need to be on medication. However, I am the one that really needs to believe I need to be on medication. Honestly, I’m still struggling with this. I know I should be, but I still do not want to be.
He was relatively gentle. Even so, I was starting to dissolve into anxiety. I felt like I’d fucked up so bad. He would drop me for sure. I’d have to start all over. He was so disappointed in me. I’d have to get a new pdoc. Maybe it’s not that BPD is med resistant so much as it’s the person with BPD that resists meds. I know I’m certainly falling towards this.
Part of me wants to not be on meds. He actually suggested I stay off meds. That I see how things go for me with the nicer weather and the new dating, see how I am affected or not, see if I am ok, if not, come back in a few months… and this thought panicked me too. Not being able to come back, not knowing when I could come back, if I would come back, if he’d take me back.
I let him down. I let myself down. What’s the point in even continuing to try? I might as well just give up. On everything. These thoughts are not ok. They’re not going to take over my life. I’m not actually going to give up on everything, but I wanted to by the time I got home. I felt like I’d failed. Failed him. Failed myself. Everything feels heavy and slow. I can’t do anything right. That failure wrapped around me like a wet blanket clinging to my skin, slowing me down with the additional dampness making the goal of any progress uncomfortable far away.
I don’t want to be on meds, but I don’t want to operate without a safety net either. Except psych meds aren’t like pain killers…. You can’t take one and expect it to kick in 45 minutes later. It takes time to build up in your system and then it takes time to find the right dose. It takes commitment. Something I have been lacking in the meds department.
I need to make the commitment.
In short. I need to grow up. Decide what I want. And stick with it.
Psychiatrist was contemplating Lithium, but as my commitment to medical treatment has been wavering Lithium is not the way to go since it requires blood level monitoring. Instead, I’m starting on Abilify. It’s yet another, atypical anti-psychotic. I need to accept the fact that regular anti-depressants aren’t going to be enough for me: get over this aversion to anti-psychotics.
So here goes. New drug. New commitment. And I will give this a proper chance to work for me.