Rules Regarding Spending and Gender: None

Oh it’s Friday. What should I talk about today? I absolutely cannot focus so I’m just going to start typing and we’ll see where I go with this.
         No meds induced rage yesterday. In fact I felt well rested and was very Okay all day.
         Went on date #3 with my new Lady Friend. For date #2 I took her on a picnic to a romantically secluded beach outcropping. We snuggled, had wine and watched the sunset. Note: I will be as romantic as you let me.  She’s writes me poetry.
         I made an amazing Turkish inspired 4 course meal last weekend: Almond Soup (Badem Çorbası), Potato Cigarette Borek (Patatesli Sigara Boregi), Turkish-Style Sirloin Steak in a Garlic-Fig Wine Reduction, and Honey and Nuts Snow White (Balli Cevizli Karbeyaz). Apparently I make an awe inspiring steak. This weekend I’m hoping to do Greek.
         I spend money unchecked….
Seriously. I don’t even realize I do this. I see something, and I get it. I don’t think it’s impulsive at the time. Half the time I believe it’s absolutely justified. Like I had a nervous breakdown on Monday for fear that I couldn’t do my job well enough so I looked up training courses and dropped $600 for advanced training. It’s an investment for my future with the lab, right? It took me all of 10 minutes to make this decision.
I’m tribalizing my Sith Costume b/c my character specializes in Sith alchemy and sorcery so I went to the craft store. Instead of picking out a few key pieces I just get everything I think will fit and could possibly need for my adornment construction. I go in with one or two things in mind, but I don’t stop there. And I don’t think twice about how much it will be.
Is this really a problem if I can actually afford it? I could survive on what I have in the bank, easily, for 6 months with no adjustment to my lifestyle. I have bills that are paid but otherwise no monetary obligations. I could save more I suppose. But for what? What’s the point of having money if not to spend it?
The weather is changing so I need new clothes for work. I want to fit in better at work too. I want to masculinize. I do not like the idea of appearing feminine at work. The women around my office wear skirts, and frilly office appropriate tops… I can’t fathom this. On some level I don’t respect it. I think if I were to do this I would not be taken seriously. As feminine as I get is to wear a sweater over dress slacks. I take my fashion cues from the men in my office. I want to blend in with them. Currently I dress too nice for my office, but this I also believe is acceptable. Dress slacks, button down shirts, nice sweaters. The men in my office typically wear jeans, polos, or even just plain t-shirts. With the changing weather I did just “invest” (read: drop a bunch of cash) in some new short sleeved polo shirts; black, white, and navy, which are more casual than the button down short sleeved shirts I own.


I want to purchase jeans. But not women’s jeans that tend to be form fitting. I’m going to buy men’s jeans. I don’t want to accentuate my sexual differences.
I do not want to convey a sexualized image at all. I want as androgynous as possible in my dress.
I don’t know if it’s a fear of not being taken seriously professionally.  I don’t think so because I have no qualms about pulling my hair back to display the 17 piercings (I do remove my lip ring) I have in my head. Or maybe I just appreciate the irony.
On many levels I resent being female. I resent that I have hips that curve so I can’t have a streamlined profile in my slacks. I resent that I am the minority in my field. I resent that my friendships and relationships are colored depending on the gender of the person opposing me. May it’s not being female that I resent. Maybe it’s gender in general. Or more specifically the cultural connotations that accompany gender.
How do you really know what gender you are? I’m not male. I don’t feel female. What does female feel like? It’s not something I can put on, take off, and try something else on for a comparison. Either this is it, or it’s not. There are some days I do feel very feminine and appreciate all aspects of what femininity I have. There are more days I feel very masculine. Gender and sexuality is not a categorical designation for me. It’s fluid. I identify gender neutral but really I’m gender fluid as I easily transition depending on my mood.
When I’m out with Lady Friend I’m happy to be a woman though I slip into the ‘masculine’ role. I hold doors, I pay for meals… I hate that this is considered masculine, especially considering most of the men I know =P. So fuck that. I’m reclaiming this as being the role of How I Display Appreciation For Your Company. Someone make that a better acronym or something. My brain is puffy today.
Accentuate the standards, diminish the differences. If I blend in with the dress code they won’t notice how truly different I am. I hate that I think this way. I’ve been judged, ridiculed, and debased for being who I am though. Outside in the real world I could give a fuck less what people think. Everyone can suck it up and deal. Professional environments require more finesse in order to accomplish tasks optimally. It requires playing a part in a bigger game. There’s really no point in making a fuss or standing out besides. Ultimately no one cares. What really matters is what gets done at the end of the day, not the type of pants I put on. I simply choose which face to put forward to best meet my goals for the moment. How much of any of it truly matters? Not much. Yet, we still continue to play the game.

4 comments on “Rules Regarding Spending and Gender: None

  1. Oh love, you are in my head. I too have issues with spending way too much money, but I spend my rent money. I say if you're not putting yourself in a position where your bills (ie rent, utilities, basic necessities) are not being paid and you're living a comfortable happy lifestyle, then spend away dear. We can't take it with us when we die so if buying every accessory in the store makes you happy and it's not having a detrimental effect on you, buy it. For the first EVER I feel I have a description for myself now. Gender fluid. I am so like you. I identify more with males than females simply because I see females as airheaded dingbats that can only speak about clothes, makeup and twirl their hair. All of which I hate and am not. That being said I can be extremely feminine when I want or am in the mood. I love your descriptions of gender fluid and masculinity. I am going to steal them and pretend I was smart enough to come up with them all on my own. So happy to hear you're enjoying your time with your lady friend. I hope there are many many more even if nothing "romantic" comes of it, I hope at least she ends up being a good friend you can spend time with.

  2. If she is writing you poetry, by time you know it she will be giving you blow jobs. I would say maybe date # 4 or 5? I love your blog by the way :)

  3. @Maasiyat… I'm really starting to notice just how much money I spend and spend and spend. It's ridiculous. I have no stopper. I see something now and I just get it. It's a little disconcerting. But yeah, I figure as long as I'm taking care of all the necessary stuff…. insert justification haha. Gender fluid is how I've described myself for years. Steal away! ::smiles::I think at the very least we'll end up being good friends. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that things will continue to progress romantically as we are adorable heehee. I

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s