Common Sense of Entitlement – Borderline Personality Disorder Entitlement

Well. Maybe not all of it. But something. I’m sure of it. Or not. But maybe you’ll offer it anyways because you think I deserve it. No? Well you should have. Shouldn’t you?  
Entitlement or a ‘Sense of Entitlement’ is an unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.
“Because of the elevated highs and lows in mood that people with personality disorders often experience, it is not uncommon for them to attach elevated sense of importance to their own emotional needs. They may appear at times to care only about their own desires and needs at the expense of other people around them or they may habitually prioritize their own needs above those of others. This trait is often referred to as a “sense of entitlement”.”
(This is tied in with what is often considered Borderline Narcissism.)
“Sometimes, people who suffer from personality disorders seem to have a no sense of shame nor scruples. They are not afraid to “make a fool out of themselves”, it’s always the other who is to blame when something goes wrong. That in-built “what would other people think of me if I did this or said that” can sometimes appear not to exist in them. This makes it more common for them to tread into territory most people would avoid.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used the phrase “I don’t care if I make a fool of myself”, “I don’t embarrass”. I’ve never had any scruples about saying exactly what is on my mind unless I think it will turn out poorly for one of my own goals. It’s odd. I never wonder what people would think of me. I know they would think I’m a terrible person; I simply don’t care. I will often stay my tongue simply because I don’t want the attention or I don’t have the energy for an argument but I don’t avoid issues because I’m afraid broach touchy subjects. My personal boundaries are practically non-existent and I don’t see other peoples without being shown so I don’t think to tread lightly.
What it Feels Like:
The sense of entitlement is often interpreted as selfishness by those who are closest to them. However, the personality-disordered individual may forcefully and even convincingly defend their position. The disconnect often occurs when a person who suffers from the personality disorder feels the need more intensely than is normal for most people – even to a point where they attach a sense of desperation or adopt a crisis response, where immediate bystanders see no crisis and are willing to apply situational ethics, sacrificing long term goals for short term relief.
This is something I hate to admit to. In fact, it’s something that I’ve only very, very recently realized I’ve done.
I put so much of myself into other people, into relationships, into providing and doing things for others… somewhere along the lines I lose that I do these things because I enjoy them or because I care and it gets muddied with “well look at all these things I’ve done for you, doesn’t that mean I deserve something back?” “Sure you’re there, but I’ve done so much more, I should have this” “I’m so much better for you than them because of all of these things that I’ve done”…. And on and on it goes. Except it’s not really true I suppose. It’s hard to admit. It’s hard to face. When you care about someone so much, want so much to do for and be with someone, that they can’t always be for you the exact specific thing that you NEED in order to have everything perfect and whole, complete and right. When they can only be who they are; with a normal human beings ability to give of themselves, if they choose, it can feel like we’ve been mistreated, neglected, ignored, and unappreciated. It hurts and it’s confusing. I’ve done so much for you. You wanted this thing done, you may not have asked for it, but I did it, I didn’t ask for anything in return, I just did it because I knew you wanted it… over and over… until somewhere it compounds into something that may not have originally been there.  
In that, a realization that all ties back into our sense of self-worth. Despite all of these things you still don’t want to give the same in return? So we do more, hope more, want more, and yet you’re still only human capable of giving, and/or taking, the amount that you are willing to give, which is never enough to make us feel like our efforts are truly appreciated. Every time you can’t, or won’t, reciprocate, it becomes more and more frustrating. Or maybe it’s a failing on the borderlines part. Despite all her efforts, the lack of reciprocation {disproportionate} seems like a rejection. We did all this, we must deserve some more recognition and yet we’re not getting it so you must not think we’re good enough. Who do you think you are? Maybe it’s not that you don’t appreciate what we do. Maybe you appreciate it just fine. Maybe you’ve just been taking advantage of our generosity. Without giving back something we deserve. Anger. This can follow with lashing out, breaking down, dissolving, seething, any number of things, until we shame ourselves into remembering how good of a person, friend, loved one you are, and we start all over again trying to do things for you that will make you forgive us and appreciate us again.
Cycle after cycle. And with each iteration it gets a little stronger. I’ve never set off with a sense of entitlement. Somewhere along the way it develops. Gradually.
Thinking back on this I know I’ve done this so many times with so many different people. Probably everyone that truly gets close to me. And I’ve never thought I was wrong or that I wanted something unreasonable. I’ve always FELT like what I needed was totally justified and appropriate. Idealized, maybe, but not out of proportion to the effort and meaning that everything had to me. Except, I’m starting to think that it really was. It doesn’t change the fact that these situations still felt a certain way to me, but I’m beginning to see the signs and clues that maybe will prevent me from falling into this trap of entitlement in the future.
Really the only thing that I think has ever worked for me is for the other person{s} to take a solid stance. Don’t be wishy-washy.   Don’t leave room for interpretation in what you want or your intentions for the relationship are. Set boundaries and stick to them. This will help both the Borderline and the NT. If you don’t establish where your world starts and her world ends she won’t have any way to check the elevated need for inclusion in yours because what does take precedence to her is how she feels.
Tune in tomorrow for a first look at what I mean by Borderline Narcissism….
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4 comments on “Common Sense of Entitlement – Borderline Personality Disorder Entitlement

  1. idk, for me a lot of it is the empty feeling I'm left with and the fact that this sense of entitlement creeps into places where I actually don't believe I have a right to expect anything. Maybe because I don't believe I'm worthy of having it, it makes that desire for it greater. I don't believe I deserve it, but because of all I do, maybe it's owed to me regardless. If i can have something I don't really believe I deserve, just because what I've done is worthy of it, then that would mean something special. It never works out that way.

  2. I feel like I just read a post about my 32 year old daughter. This is so strange for me. My daughter has a sense of entilement, big time. And we have just recently started the 'tough love' routine with her (december). This certainly clarifies a lot for me. I really appreciate this 'education' so much. I look forward to reading more. Thank you so much for your help! Take care.

  3. Pingback: This is how it really ended (An explanation for the Dead “Love” Collection) | Beyond the Barbed Wire

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