I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much of my own blood.
No, nothing serious. Well, it is, but unintentional. I’ve been getting very severe nose bleeds the past few weeks. I probably lost a pint of blood between the two this morning and this evening. Have you ever held your hands up to your own face and cupped a pool of your own blood. It’s really quite lovely.
I’m beginning to believe I don’t belong here. By all standards its been a lovely day. Woke up with my girl. Lady Friend and I went to the beach with Friend and his wife. Out to an early dinner after.
Spending too much time with her makes me anxious. I don’t know what to do. Don’t know what to say. I worry about not being entertaining enough. I don’t want to entertain at all. Fortunately my nose started bleeding when I was attempting to get rid of my dinner so I had an excuse to cut the evening short. Now I’m just as empty.
I tried explaining to Friend that I don’t think I belong here. He replied with, “Oh stop. It was a good day til your blood decided it wanted out. Which was, admittedly, rude of it.” I realize he’s trying to make light of it, but I wonder if he really understands. I don’t think he does. I don’t connect. I’m removed. I’m alone, even when I’m surrounded by the people I’m familiar with.
I’m at my best when I’m not by myself. With people. But it just inspires a different kind of tension. Alone I can’t stand the room to think. Surrounded I can’t stand the lack of room to, be. There’s no win.
Last night was, fun. I introduced Lady Friend to my household. She pretty much met all of my current friends in NY, between yesterday and today. Well received. Everyone likes her, she likes everyone. Friend says she has a very good effect on me.
I don’t think he understands that it’s not her. It’s me. I’m playing a game. I’m slipping into a role. A different persona. I’m playing at being happy. Playing at enjoying the company of someone who cares about me. I don’t feel it. I don’t feel any of it. That I recognize that I don’t feel any of it just makes me feel even more distant from all of it.
I’m fighting the urge to hurt myself tonight. I’m not sure I can sustain it even if I did. I’ve already lost too much blood today. Sex, friends, family, beach, relaxing, reading, creativity, painting, meditation, caring… all in one day and yet, it means nothing to me. I don’t feel any of it. All I feel, is alone. Listening to the sky explode, all I want is for my heart to burst like one of the firecrackers I hear outside my window.
She doesn’t drive me crazy. I don’t mean in that good, head over heels kind of way. I mean, I do, but she doesn’t make me mad either. Doesn’t drive me to the kind of crazy that can drive me to hold on. I have her. I know it. It’s not enough. What kind of person does that make me?
Especially as I know I’m just going to keep pretending.
Maybe if I can fool everyone else long enough, I can eventually fool myself as well.