Let’s talk about Sex

Disclaimer: I’m going to be talking about sex. If you have delicate sensibilities; I will offend them. You’ve been warned.
Let’s talk about sex. **Cue that awful song**
Now that I’ve gotten that stuck in your head. Moving on.
Because it’s been on my mind a lot lately: Sex. Borderline Personality Disorder has something of a reputation. Part of the stigma surpassed only by Histrionic PD.  Sexual Impulsivity and Promiscuity. 
I don’t do things by halves. I either have no partner, or I seem to open myself up to the world of them. I am either completely abstinent or completely promiscuous. I enjoy sex. It’s fun, it’s hot… it’s pretty much impossible to do alone. Which makes it comforting. Until the thoughts of my partners motives begin to intrude into the warm cloud of lazy euphoria that flows through my body after a wild romp.
My feelings are mixed. I love it, and I hate it. I am constantly at odds with myself over what I want. Sex, is not intimacy. Intimacy is frightening. Sex, on the other hand, is a comforting diversion. A substitute of sorts. The appearance of closeness, the act of closeness, with the ability to distract from actual emotional closeness.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of emotional dysregulation that affects relationships and the ability to control your behavior. It’s not surprising that this would also have a major impact on our sex lives. How it affects our sex lives can vary though.

Research has demonstrated that women with BPD tend to have more negative attitudes about sex than women in the general population. For example, women with BPD report more mixed feelings about sexual relations, and are also more likely to feel pressured to have sex by their sexual partners. In addition, women with BPD report more general sexual dissatisfaction. Much less is known about how BPD affects men’s attitudes about sex.

There may be a number of reasons for these more negative attitudes about sex. First, many women with BPD are survivors of child abuse, which may contribute to overall negative reactions to adult sexual experiences. Also, women with BPD are more likely to experience a great deal of conflict in their relationships, so they may feel less positive about sex because relationships in general feel less fulfilling.”

My attitudes about sex are far from negative. I love sex. My attitudes about my partners and how I relate to them afterwards, well, those might shift. Talk about a discrepant mentality. I distrust peoples motives when they try to get close to me. Especially with men (sorry, guys) I’m fairly certain that I’m only wanted to be used. I don’t actually want to believe this though, but in order to figure that out sometimes I test the waters to test my theory, only to be disappointed when the men I know are not chivalrous and chaste. What do I really expect? Someone that just wants to be friends with me for my mind? I’ve proven my own theory true so often, but would it have been proven if I hadn’t have pushed? It’s never a plan though, it’s almost always in the heat of a moment. One that I wish I had thrown a bucket of water on in the end.

So it seems to me that there is healthy sex, impulsive sex, promiscuous sex, and avoidance of sex. Healthy and avoidance I’m not as familiar with so we’ll save those for their own post. Over the next couple days I want to explore this issue further.  
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13 comments on “Let’s talk about Sex

  1. When I stopped thinking of it as 'casual sex' and thinking more along the lines of 'helping your friend have an orgasm' it became for carefree for me. I used to equate sex with love in my younger days, and it got me into a lot of trouble.Your aloof attitude about sex is actually healthier than you think. Intimacy is scary for everyone to an extent. Don't get me wrong, 'making love' is nice, but sex is just plain fun.

  2. I couldn't agree more. Sex is just plain fun. I'm at constant odds with myself about what I want, if what I do want is ok, what makes what I'm doing ok… and then once I think I've decided on some thing, and I'm enjoying the fun of it, it turns into an attachment and that just goes all kinds of wrong. If I could maintain my aloof attitude I think I'd be gold, but as it is, well, it's an adventure. We'll see where it takes us. Also, "Helping your friend have an orgasm"… That, is amazing hahaha. I've never equated sex with love though. I'm not sure I know what love is. Sex on the other hand. That one I get.

  3. I am like you. Either I fuck everything that moves (pre marriage) or no one at all. Not even myself. I have no balance between this and it is very strange because before a few years ago I was very celibate. I had only one partner (my ex husband I was a virgin when we married) and then suddenly one day I was fucking everyone and everything and I honestly don't know why. Sex was just that sex. Not love. Not emotion. I needed closeness. I needed to be with people and let's face it guys really aren't that interested in conversation. Since I hate women and their air headiness it sort of left me with sex. Once I realized that ALL men wanted was sex it was like a switch inside of me flipped and I was going to be the best gawddamn whore there was. Sex is a very strange thing for me. I love it. I love having the ability to tease, to take a man to the moment of orgasm and then denying him… I love everything about sex and I hate everything about sex all at the same time. It confuses the hell out of my poor husband.

  4. Yep. My friend does the same thing with sex. We'll be so connected, be getting along so well for so long—we have sex, he completely detatches, loses the connection with me entirely. I honestly can see it on his face, I know exactly when it happens. It's nearly instantaneous, or by the next morning at the latest. And the cycle repeats over & over again. So, we don't have sex anymore, and our friendship is working, better anyways. Em

  5. Interesting post. Sex is a tough subject for me to talk openly about. Alot of it comes from my parents, who kept the zipper up, so to speak, on the subject, and in hindsight, I believe that it is why I struggle with sexual issues today.

  6. My wife was diagnosed with borderline back in the early 90's. We've been married over 4 years. She is either withdrawn from the world or very promiscuous, with little inbetween. This year alone she has had sex with about two dozen different men, with only myself and two others more than once. Sex with me is difficult for her and happens rarely. She avoids it where possible. (Frequency is an issue with me as is neglect.) She's had sex with women when we've been with couples but decided she is straight. About the only time I have sex with her is in a 3some situation with a male she has met, and lately she insists on no more 3somes. Sex with men she does not know is easy for her — and she easily will fuck a man she's just met online or in person. Just a week ago she was at a munch and disappeared for about 20 minutes. When she re-appeared she had been fucking a man whose name she didn't know. It turned out to be the cafe's owner. Why does she do it? She says it is "her special journey" which she defends as a "free spirit". I know she is searching for something but she never finds it. All the men turn out to have problems one way or another. Do I have issues with this promiscuous behaviour? Yes and no. Mainly our own sexlife is neglected. She gets very angry when I point this out or ask, to the point of rages. Real intimacy is difficult and rare. Life is turbulent and full of conflict. I am constantly told to stop wanting and have faith and one day she'll include me. Doesn't seem to happen, though. She will often have several "lined up". When she starts to get to know a particular man past the first few encounters, something inevitably goes wrong with the relationship. He's surprised when she turnes on him and blames him for something. Her cycle is Sedcer to Hater. She is not a clinger. She has recently become fasincated with BDSM and being a mistress with slaves. Her first forey was a disaster as the man wanted a lot more than being just a slave. She quickly went from wanting him in her life as a 2nd partner to getting rid of him because he smothered her. It is very turbulent, complicated, painful and wonderful all at the same time. I don't pretend to understand her, except in parts. For her, sex definitely is not about love, it is about being accepted and being important and inflicing pan on others and maybe trying to be in control. She does have the typical borderline history — sexually and emotionally abused as a child, 3 marriages, covered in tattoos (which I like), hypersensitivity, rationalizing, dozens of sexual partners.

  7. WOw, sounds like your wife is pretty wild. Promiscuous sex for me is often about control (over an aspect of myself), being able to be close but not allow someone too close to me, and escape. It sounds like escape may come into play with your wife. Are you sure she's not running from something internal? I can see her neglecting your sex life as a fear of intimacy. She has you, you're very close, and in being very close to someone they know you in a way that all these random strangers do not. There's a vulnerability in that kind of intimacy and that can be very, very scary. Just a thought, but I'd have to know more. I have a question. Do you also get to enjoy a more promiscuous sex life? Clearly you have an open marraige judging by your wife's behavior and your acceptance of it, but do you also get to indulge your needs? I think it would be even more of an issue if she were allowed to do such things and you were not.

  8. Oh and Anonymous… Good for you for getting your voice out here, I am also married and let me tell you it's a daily battle or good or bad…. But my hubby working very hard to be supportive of me… so I;m sure your wife is thankful for you as well…. Although I don't do the sleep with other people when married thing…. not part of my BPD kicks…. I'm actually the opposite

  9. Haven I wish I could separate sex and intimacy but I can't, I love sex but for me it is the most intimate thing in the world. I mean there is disease, pregnancy, nudity, strong pleasure etc… How can it not be Intimate?

  10. @Santiago… sometimes I think it's completely separate, other times I think I'm fooling myself. I get so lost in the sensation of it all the rest of the world slips away and nothing else matters but the moment.

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