I saw Psychiatrist Thursday (actually Psychiatrists PA). She upped my Abilify to 10mg/day. So far I’m more fatigued than ever. I seriously feel like a zombie. I hate it. I have no drive, no motivation, no caring. My body feels sluggish and weighed down like someone turned up my personal gravity. Every movement is a major effort. This is not fun and it’s not ok. I have to go back next week to talk about how it’s affecting me so hopefully I’ll either be over the initial side effects by then or, idk. He’ll give me something new? I kind of don’t want to be on medication. Back to this. I know. I’m so tired of feeling so tired. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. My moods are mildly more stable but not in a significant way. I’m still depressed, but now I’m sluggish too so it’s harder for me to concentrate and exercise. Which makes doing anything that I love difficult to do. It even makes blogging hard. Seriously. I have a whole series of blogs I want to write concerning the neurological contributors to impulsivity except reading is just too tiring. Sitting upright takes to much energy. I went to the gym before work this morning and only managed a half hour of cardio and upper body lifting. Ok, before you get on my case that I was at the gym for an hour at 6a.m. anyone would be tired… this is not normal for me. The tired, not the 6a.m. 6a.m. is normal for me. I should have plenty of energy for an hour of cardio and lifting should not be a struggle in motivation. Additionally, I should have MORE energy after leaving the gym. Counterintuitive? Nope. I always used to feel more energized after working out. Now I just feel like I stole all the free weights, tied to ropes around my waist, that I’m dragging across the parking lot.
Part of the problem is, I was super fatigued when I went in to see her and I’m not even sure it’s from the damn drugs. I’m not sleeping terribly. They always ask about my sleeping. I’m back down to only taking 50mg of Trazadone a night because I don’t want to be groggy in the morning, and that seems to be fine. So I’m averaging about 6.5 hours of sleep. Yay! 7-7.5 seems to be optimal for me, but as long as I’m getting more than 4, I’m happy.
So who knows. Maybe this is all a wash and I’m med resistant. I definitely believe I’m hypersensitive to the chemical changes in my body but apparently not in a way that is helpful.
I’m beginning to truly understand what Amy Lee was piping about in Lithium.
The only productive thing I’ve done so far is submit my entry for the Expressive Arts Carnival. It’s a weird word cloud this month and I pulled inspiration from a poem I wrote back at University. I really love the concept of this site. Stringing 4 words together has never taken so much energy. And not from mental taxation either. I’m just typing slow today.