Nothing good can stay. Everything changes. Everyone leaves. That’s all there is. All there ever seems to be. Roommate just told me she is thinking about moving out. Not for anything I’ve done. She’s just never lived on her own before and her boyfriend has been hinting that he wants to move in together so she wants to be on her own for awhile in her own space before anything like that moves forward. I asked if it was anything I’d done and she said definitely nothing like that. I just, can’t help but feel like I wasn’t a good enough roommate. If I was more fun, or more talkative, or more outgoing or more…SOMETHING… she’d stay. I’m heartbroken. I never should have moved here. It’s been one upheaval after another after another. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I was trying so hard not to cry, to be strong so she wouldn’t feel guilty, but I couldn’t stop the tears even as my teeth were set. All I could say was “You have to do what you need to do, we’ll figure it out”. I’m never going to be good enough for someone to stay with. Not ever. I know it. It’s always this way. I was beginning to feel steady. Like I had something that wasn’t going to up and change. As soon as I let my guard down though, even a little, something comes out of nowhere and takes my head off. Fuck this not drinking. Fuck this not smoking. I need to take my mind off things. I don’t know how I’m going to look at her and not feel sad now. I don’t want to lose my friend. I don’t think I will. It’s just so devastating. I feel like my feet are crumbling out from under me. I can’t move again. I don’t’ want things to change. Everything always changes. Nothing ever stays the same. I never should have moved out here. I never should have left my family or my sister. Never. Never. Never. I’m going to have to start all over again. I don’t know if I can do it. It’s too much. It’s all just too much. I can’t move again. I just can’t. I need to find a new roommate but I don’t even know where to look or who to ask. She was like my savior when I needed to move away form Evil-Ex and away from her douchebag ex and now she wants to move away from me. I don’t want her to feel bad. She needs to do what’s best for her but no one does what’s best for me and I’m left all alone. I just don’t know what to do. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts.