Quotes from the Borderline

If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim. 

 ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Sorrows may submerge for a time but they never drown for good. Oddly, not only do they come back, but they make all my thoughts that much bleaker. Maybe not so odd as water logging your brain in a depressant. Expected even. And yet, I continue to do it. I’m still very upset about recent changes but this is the wrong way to cope with the issue. Drinking. Drinking heavily. In the bottle I feel fine for a time, reveling in a momentary escape from my madness, and then spend days afterward in a deep, dark place. Clawing my way back to the surface, when it was me that jumped into the hole in the first place. I’m worried about my drinking. I had resolved to stop and at the first upheaval I lost my resolve. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m making myself sick.The beautiful thing about new days, is they provide new opportunities to begin once more.  Today I start again.  

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4 comments on “Quotes from the Borderline

  1. "Why do we fall down, master Bruce?""So we can get up."- I LOVE this line from The Dark Knight. You're learning, Haven! People change, including you. Ypu'll look back on this experience and feel like a PhD after this 'beginner's class'.

  2. Oh, the above post is awesome. I really can't say it any better. 🙂 You feel what you feel each day-no thoughts or logic can change that. So feel it, even when it hurts and sucks and is dark. And do your best to do what's right. And don't punish yourself when guilt when you don't. Because you aren't a machine, aren't flawless. Feel what you feel everyday, and someday soon you'll feel good again. It will happen. Emily

  3. ::smiles:: thanks guys. I really appreciate your support and I really hope you're right. I definitely feel like I'm learning. Trying not to punish myself is difficult for me though. I always feel 'bad'. This is something I'm trying to work on though because you're right. I'm not a machine. I'm human. Humans make mistakes, but we're also equipped to learn from them, adapt, and hopefully take that knowledge to a better place.

  4. I agree with Emily wholeheartedly, and I say this because I had to deal with impossible standards set by myself due to past introjection. I had to go on and replicate the experience with the new perspective… I had to step in while saying to myself "ok, pay attention… people are not going to judge me for a and b, that's just ludicrous… and if they do, they shouldn't, that's just mad".To me it's really like going through the lesson again, reminiscing and fresh at the same time. It sometimes feels like sitting on a 1st grade chair, your legs barely fit but you feel highly equipped for the task. Other times I feel like having to repeat the new mindset ad nauseam in my head because it seems like the best tactic to frame it over the old one ("I should think a, not b, I should think a, not b, I should…").Anyway, you're doing fine, Haven. You're suffering like any of us.

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