I’m definitely feeling a little better though I did my body a great disservice with how much I drank this weekend.
Saturday I drank more than a bottle of wine as a buddy of mine and I watched A Game of Thrones. I made sure to tell Friend the silliest details . In my increasingly drunken state I wanted him to be jealous. I clearly started to pick a fight with him via text as well and barely restrained myself from overtly expounding on the uselessness of his wife. Though I know I implied it. I also recall accusing him of hiding his true thoughts from me which I’m sure he does but he used my inebriation as an excuse. I wanted to push him away, make him mad, something… but he didn’t indulge me. He’s good about that. My buddy and I drank steadily for about 6 hours before I decided it would be a good idea for me to drive home. I wasn’t going to stay. Fortunately I managed my way home without incident or injury. Though I did pass my street, and once I turned around, passed my own apartment in the dark.
Sunday Friend texted me bright and early as if nothing happened at all to confirm I’d still be coming over for dinner. The wife was making something or other… turned out to be a vodka sauce for homemade pasta. The homemade pasta was a disaster. The sauce was, well, very much like creamy vodka. Not good. I made an Egyptian street dessert that did come out very well though. At one point the wife wanted grapey wine so Friend and I went to the liquor store where we bought 3 different bottles of potentially grapey wine (whatever that means) and a bottle of some Brazilian liquor. We got back to the house and proceeded to try them all. I probably drank another bottle of wine and glass of liquor.
I worry about my drinking. My grandfather was an alcoholic so I’m afraid it runs in the family and I’m genetically predisposed to it. Friend had made a comment that we should just accept the fact that we’re alcoholics but appreciate that we’re functional alcoholics. In the moment I was all for this plan. Hey at least I’m not alone and what’s so bad about it anyways? It doesn’t interfere with work or providing for my life, what does it matter if it takes a drink or two to help me relax? Society says it’s not really acceptable but what are social norms besides imposed morals thought up by other people?
I’m not sure I have the answer to these. I could go either way. But I do know that drinking makes my thoughts turn black eventually, and spins me down into a darker place than I had been before. And that is not where I want to be. Hence, it’s a problem. Do I actually think I’m an alcoholic? No. I’m just afraid it can happen. I worry. That I worry about it probably is an indicator that I’m not, because if I was truly I’d accept it as a part of my life, and not something that needs to be monitored.
Does that make sense? If it was actually a problem, I’d probably be in the thick of it and not realize it was a problem. But since I’m worried that it might be a problem, I’m aware of it so it won’t actually be one?
Something like that.
4 days no alcohol! With no anxiety or anything at all, so that’s an indicator too that it’s not so much a worry as I fear. Maybe?