To Drink or Not to Drink?

I’m definitely feeling a little better though I did my body a great disservice with how much I drank this weekend.
Saturday I drank more than a bottle of wine as a buddy of mine and I watched A Game of Thrones.  I made sure to tell Friend the silliest details . In my increasingly drunken state I wanted him to be jealous. I clearly started to pick a fight with him via text as well and barely restrained myself from overtly expounding on the uselessness of his wife. Though I know I implied it. I also recall accusing him of hiding his true thoughts from me which I’m sure he does but he used my inebriation as an excuse. I wanted to push him away, make him mad, something… but he didn’t indulge me. He’s good about that. My buddy and I drank steadily for about 6 hours before I decided it would be a good idea for me to drive home. I wasn’t going to stay. Fortunately I managed my way home without incident or injury. Though I did pass my street, and once I turned around, passed my own apartment in the dark.
Sunday Friend texted me bright and early as if nothing happened at all to confirm I’d still be coming over for dinner. The wife was making something or other… turned out to be a vodka sauce for homemade pasta. The homemade pasta was a disaster. The sauce was, well, very much like creamy vodka. Not good. I made an Egyptian street dessert that did come out very well though. At one point the wife wanted grapey wine so Friend and I went to the liquor store where we bought 3 different bottles of potentially grapey wine (whatever that means) and a bottle of some Brazilian liquor. We got back to the house and proceeded to try them all. I probably drank another bottle of wine and glass of liquor.  
I worry about my drinking. My grandfather was an alcoholic so I’m afraid it runs in the family and I’m genetically predisposed to it. Friend had made a comment that we should just accept the fact that we’re alcoholics but appreciate that we’re functional alcoholics. In the moment I was all for this plan. Hey at least I’m not alone and what’s so bad about it anyways? It doesn’t interfere with work or providing for my life, what does it matter if it takes a drink or two to help me relax? Society says it’s not really acceptable but what are social norms besides imposed morals thought up by other people?
I’m not sure I have the answer to these. I could go either way. But I do know that drinking makes my thoughts turn black eventually, and spins me down into a darker place than I had been before. And that is not where I want to be. Hence, it’s a problem. Do I actually think I’m an alcoholic? No. I’m just afraid it can happen. I worry. That I worry about it probably is an indicator that I’m not, because if I was truly I’d accept it as a part of my life, and not something that needs to be monitored.
Does that make sense? If it was actually a problem, I’d probably be in the thick of it and not realize it was a problem. But since I’m worried that it might be a problem, I’m aware of it so it won’t actually be one?
Something like that.
4 days no alcohol! With no anxiety or anything at all, so that’s an indicator too that it’s not so much a worry as I fear. Maybe?
Advertisements

9 comments on “To Drink or Not to Drink?

  1. Drinking socially isn't that big a problem (though the drunk driving is troublesome), but alcohol is a depressant so it could send you into a spiral the next day. As long as you're not pregnant, no harm…wait, are you pregnant!?!

  2. Haha, no definitely not pregnant, unless my Lady Friend had some pretty impressive powers that she didn't share with me haha. It's the depressant part that really gets to me. Being Major Depressive already, that always hits me hard, and harder and harder lately. Is definitely something I need to watch for.

  3. I recently had asked myself the very same questions about alcohol in my head. I assumed that it wasn't a problem because I was aware of it. That I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't drink ALL the time. My mother's side of the family TOTALLY screams genetic disposition.Be careful of what your mind will tell you…(you know this, I know this. But I say it anyway)Genetic disposition is a flippin' monster hiding under the coaster you set your drink on. Awareness is AWESOME, but don't let it be the thing that is telling you reasons it MIGHT not be an issue.I know, personally, in my BPD experience, that I tell myself I drink to "temporarily" suppress feelings. Or to handle social situations better(other people tend to irritate me. A lot). Or to relax. Or because I deserve it as a reward for a hard day, week, moment. Or, hell, I haven't been on meds in years, so the occasional instance where I drink(an amount outside of social "norms") is what I do to reset my emotions. Yeah, not logical from a "sane" point of view. But I am not a normal person. I see the world differently, and I make excuses for my differences of thought and action.I guess, short comment long…I mean to point out that I hope you revisit the thought another time and ask yourself the same questions and make sure you are being honest with yourself about whether you can cross the line into addiction or be confident in your BPD and ability to handle genetic disposition without acquiring another diagnosis to work through. I guess I rant because I recently realized I was masking a relapse into my BPD, totally ignoring it…and(eye opening revelation here) I was drinking more than I consciously wanted to admit to "feel normal".Probably NOT where you are at, but I guess throwing it out there hoping you don't walk the reckless alcohol path I have.***and the driving drunk: TOTAL rebellion coming out(not to mention a stubborn refusal to rely on others in some form or fashion). I'm not judging, just "concerning". I am far from innocent. Damn near everyone has done it…but promise YOURSELF that you CANNOT do it again.***

  4. For me I try to avoid any and all things that take me to that dark place. Easier said than done I know but I tend to get there on my own without needing much help from anything else. I think that should be your biggest concern. If it slows your healing down or causes you to rehash old wounds then that would be enough for me to leave it alone.

  5. Shouldn't there be a gene for reading addiction? "I read while driving. In my work, I have to lock myself in the bathroom so I can get my fix daily on some poems… please, God, rid me of this evil!"

  6. @vm… I usually just try and go without and pay attention to how I feel. If I can go days/weeks on end without feeling a need to drink with no anxiety, than I'm probably ok. If I have to force myself not to because I'm always thinking about it, and just telling myself that I can quit… I think that's when it would be a problem.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s