Therapy homework: Not as simple as I thought it would be.

Deep Breath. Release. I finished my homework assignment. I thought finishing these sentences would be easy, but it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Posting this is actually a little scary for me. Reading what I wrote down makes me feel raw and exposed. Therapist wanted me to focus more about my present than my past, so mostly my responses have to do with me, Friend, and Roommate. I’m sure if I went back and redid this more into my past my answers would be even more volatile. Walking around I feel like I’m clutching everything to me so tightly. Wrapping myself in a blanket of hurt that I can’t release or let anyone see. Like armor that makes moving stiff.
Writing about Sadness
All I wanted was: To be with you. For you to love me.
And I wonder: If I made it all up. How things could have been. What it would be like if he left.
I feel sad when: I go home alone and sit by myself with no one to do anything with.
If I start crying: I feel weak.
I’ll never: understand why I wasn’t enough.
Remembering now makes me feel: Used. Foolish.
One good thing about my sadness is: I know how I don’t want to feel. I can see the things that I’ve done that have brought me to feeling like this.
Writing about Anger
Under all my anger is: hurt and loneliness
I have been: smiling when I want to grind my teeth
Someone needs to: Stay.
My revenge fantasy is: watching his wife go completely manic, ruining their finances (again), and seeing their stress rocket through the roof, while I get my life together.  Having him realize just how good to him I am, want to be with me, right after I’ve found someone that I can actually be happy with, so he knows what it’s like to want something he can’t have. To be happy and cute in front of his deteriorating marriage, so he will always have to wonder what could have been but will never know.
Someday: I hope he’s truly miserable with the path he chose.
I feel most angry when: I’m ignored. When they’re doing things that are ‘couply’ or affectionate in front of me. When his wife refers to him as ‘my husband’, as if I don’t know. When I think about how much better together we are. He can’t hang out because he has to do family stuff, without me.
One good thing about my anger is: it makes me feel strong
Writing about Shame
I’m embarrassed when: I’m not at my ideal weight. I feel fat. I’ve lost control and eaten more than I should have.
Everyone will: Look at me. Judge me. See that I’m not perfect.
And everyone will think: that I’m an embarrassment to be seen with.
And everyone will say: That I used to be so skinny.
I see myself as: Imperfect.
And I want to: Find my willpower and regain my control.  
I feel most embarrassed when: I have to go out in public, to work, to some social function, and do not feel thin.
Writing about Guilt
I should have: been a better roommate; not let her see my breakdowns, maybe I scared her away. Not slept with Friend; been desirable but unattainable.
Sometimes I want to: sit down with Roommate and gossip, or just talk, but I don’t know how, or feel like I’m intruding on her time.
I don’t care if: His marriage fails.
I regret: Letting people get close enough to see my vulnerabilities.
If only: his wife would do something terrible; he would open his eyes; he would care. Things could stay the same with Roommate.
I have to: act like I’m happy for Roommate and ok with her moving so she doesn’t feel bad.
I feel most guilty about: I don’t know. I don’t really feel guilty about anything.
Writing about Fear
No one: will love me enough to stay with me.
I’m afraid to: really open myself up to someone. What if they leave me, or reject me. If I don’t give all of myself then they’re not really rejecting all of me. Invest in people. Confide in people. What if they use what I tell them against me? See that I have fears and judge me? Think I’m weak or not the person they thought I was on the outside and leave me? Think I have too many problems and don’t want to deal with me?
Will I ever: feel like I belong?
I want to: be attached to people, even after they go away.
When I remember: I want my life back.
I feel most afraid when: I’m alone.
One good thing about my fear is: Nothing. I can’t think of a single good thing about it.
Bonus post today because I’ll be writing about therapy from last night. Stay tuned.

2 comments on “Therapy homework: Not as simple as I thought it would be.

  1. Difficult indeed. Especially, knowing that "fudging" the answers is not possible. I would imagine that more people have similar answers, as my answers would be eerily similar to that of yours.

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