I have a crush. I feel like such a dork. I’m smiley and up and…. This is such a bad idea. We work together. I’ve been clearly noticing the slow changes in Tech Boy’s behavior towards me over the last few weeks. Standing closer, holding eye contact longer, calling me out to the shop for things that I don’t really need to supervise…. Haha. All those little shifts and changes, seem to shine almost glaringly.
He gave me his cell number Friday (yanno, in case there was anything I needed and he wasn’t in the shop, or by the lab phone, or…) so I gave him mine (so he could identify my out of state number). Later that night as I was sitting at Friends’ house he texts me. I couldn’t stop smiling. We decided to call up some coworkers and do dinner and a Star Wars marathon at my place on Saturday. We texted late into the night, all the while Friend was looking at me funny and finally asked me who I was texting with. Not you.
Anytime I mention Tech Boy, Friend is subtly discouraging. Gee.
So Saturday I rushed around like crazy. Gym, Grocery 1, Grocery 2, prepared food, baked a pie, cleaned the entire apartment…. He got there right on time. Our coworker showed up a bit later. I made:
Guinness Beef Stew
Caramelized Shallot Mashed Potatoes
Strawberry Rhubarb Pie (Tech Boys favorite)
We had a few beers, they absolutely raved about dinner, watched some Star Wars… our coworker left after Empire Strikes back so I moved over to the couch to sit next to him. As soon as I did he scooted over close enough to lean into me. By the end of Return of the Jedi he’d wrapped a blanket and an arm around me and we snuggled up together. It was so cute it was painful haha.
Sunday I went to Friends again for food experiments. I was in such a goofy sleep deprived mood. I made crumpets. Don’t know what a crumpet is? It’s a griddle cake that’s kind of a mix between pancakes and English muffins. Any of my UK readers have a better description? Regardless. They came out flawlessly but man are they a pain. I’d also made Orange-Cranberry Scones. Probably the best scones I’ve ever had if I do say so myself. All day I was sort of on a happy high from the night before. Friend being kissy faced with the wife only stabbed at me a little. I even left early to go home and hang out with Roommate.
My attachment is clearly lessening but it’s still there and things definitely still hurt. I mean, I’m making most of the food for his wife’s upcoming birthday just because he asked. One or two things wouldn’t be too bad, but I’m making crumpets, scones, fairy cakes, and a couple fruit tarts. It’s a major undertaking. For a woman that I wouldn’t bother with if she wasn’t married to my best friend. A woman that I have a healthy resentment towards. And yet, it helps him out, it makes them happy, guests will have good food… It’s like a compulsion I have whereby I can’t say ‘no’ to taking care of people. I wonder if he knows that the things he shoves in my face bother me and is trying to make me jealous, dig at me, or if he’s really just that clueless. Mind you this is a guy that prides himself on his empathic abilities. Idk. I can’t stand the thought of abandoning this friendship any more than I can stand the thought of being abandoned. Even at the expense of being hurt. At least the wounds seem to be shallower than they used to be. I guess that doesn’t make it good, but it’s something.
And thanks to my new crush I remember what it’s like to be cute and happy. Shocking.
Of course than my neurotic thoughts kick in. I don’t even know if it’s going to go anywhere. If it does, as long as we stay professional at work. As long as it doesn’t interfere. I don’t want my brain crazy to mess with my work and intimate relationships are the best way to start the spinning. I’ve never had personal relationships, even friendships, with colleagues. Now I have a whole bunch. I am at a complete loss for how to handle this. I’m two different people. I have my professional persona, and I have my actual personality. By socializing more on breaks and going out to lunches with the guys I’ve been slowly trying introduce the safer sides of my personality to the them. It’s like a major mental effort to try to mingle these two parts of myself. I have to try though otherwise it’s going to look mighty freakin’ strange. Stranger. When I’m all sweaters and professional during the day and gothic tattoos at night. Can you count the ways this could go wrong? Here goes nothing.