I would say I hate Mondays, but I really have exactly the same feeling about Mondays as I do every other day I have to tear myself out of my big comfy bed and get to work by 730a. So I suppose I hate all work days. Except I don’t. Only that initial waking up, leaving my dreams behind, and throwing off the warmth of comforters I’m wrapped in. Once I’m moving I don’t really mind.
One of the first things I do once I’m up and at work is record my mood. Something I find very useful for Borderline Personality Disorder is my Mood Tracker (I use MedHelp.org). I’m not incredibly consistent with it. I only remember to log in to my account a few times a day, but I do remember to do it every day. I’m not able to catch every little mood swing, but I catch enough, and it really helps me see the trends and fluxuations I go through.
I started doing this about a year ago. This is when I was finally fed up enough to try something stronger to manage my moods. This is when I went back into therapy. This is when I found my first psychiatrist. This is when I really made the commitment to start changing my life. Oh don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried before. I’ve wanted things to change for years, done everything in my power to keep myself steady without anyone’s help. I’d sought help before, but still held back, didn’t allow it the time or honesty to benefit me. This was different. This is when I first accepted help. I’ve fought it at times. I’ve fallen back into bad habits plenty. But overall I’ve been taking more steps forward than I have backwards.
I was looking back on the entries I’d placed at this time last year and decided to compare it to today. It’s only been a year but the difference is pretty drastic. Oddly I feel a little mixed. I feel like I’m missing a part of myself that made me feel gloriously, tortuously alive. It’s strange to miss something so devastating. However, now, despite all the little things that I would normally obsess myself into oblivion over I am able to get out into the world, at least pretend to function like a normal person, and *gasp* actually enjoy a hell of a lot more things than I’ve been able to before. That last little bit makes it worth it.
So I thought it would be fun to share with you the transition I made. The way I scale things is slightly different. Along with Borderline, I’m also diagnose Major Depressive Disorder. My baseline is mildly depressed so in my tracking I adjust the scale to mean this:
Manic = Full blown mania (Never had this)
Excellent = Hypomanic
Good = Good
Okay = Okay
Bad = Mildly Depressed
Horrible = Moderately Depressed
Depressed = Severely Depressed
The trendline only gives you the average of the days moods. I can switch from hypomanic to severely depressed and the trendliine will average that to ‘Bad’ but you can see in the colors that I’ve been very up and very down. That’s why I included the color bars because those give you more of an idea of the individual shifts I am able to catch.
I noticed that sometime within the past couple months my Horrible shifted from an actual depressive state to feeling crappy but not depressed. This is mostly due to body image issues. Not depressed, but hating my body. This is also pretty weird for me. Normally I’d be full on depressed about this. Now I’m not happy, so I’m making changes, but I’m also not hidden away in full seclusion, I’m still getting out and trying to keep connected. I’ve been a little down lately, but overall you can see that I’ve been much steadier. I’m still fluxuating, but not as severely.
I don’t know about you, but to me this looks promising.