Hearts are Complicated Creatures

Oh Look!  A new Schema today! And we’re even in a brand new Domain as well! Why am I being overly cheery you might ask? Because I have a wild f-ing headache and nothing makes sense to me anymore. I’ll maybe write about my night last night some other time. Hint: It has to do with “bad” decisions, a hot woman, too much wine, and a barrel of confusion with a pinch of guilt on the side. Intrigued? I know I am.
(3 hours later)
Ok. Nevermind. We’ll do another schema some other day. My hangover says ‘No’.  So let’s talk about my night!
Romantic updates < —— Juicy Haven Gossip
Do you remember GirlFriend? Not really my girlfriend, but she’d like to be? She’s back. Honestly she never really left, I just fell off the earth for a bit and quit letting her make out with me. Also, I had an actual girlfriend. Anyways.
She’s been having a rough time of things lately so I invited her over for wine and take-out last night (I know, I’m a classy bitch).
Good, friends catching up, no big deal right? Wrong. Please. Like anything in my life is that straight forward.
I’m still very physically attracted to her. I love the attention she gives me. And I’ve been freaking out a bit about Tech Boy. I’m not sure if it’s a wise idea to be leading on GF when I’m clearly very involved with Tech Boy. Keep in mind, that GF has a live in girlfriend of her own (open relationships). Oh yeah, lesbian drama circles. Maybe later I’ll draw a diagram. I just don’t know how I feel about Tech Boy to figure out if this is something I should be doing or not. Enter Guilt, stage left.
So I vented my mental conundrum in another forum the other night and the conversation went something like this:
Voice of Reason:  Do you care about the guy?
(Hmmm, I want him to care about me. I’m less concerned with whether I care about him.)
Haven: I’m starting to become a mess about the guy. I’m not sure exactly where we are because we’re in the non-relationship arena, and he isn’t pursuing me as aggressively as most people usually do, but he’s pretty laid back and used to girls chasing him (which I don’t do), but as we speak he just texted me to see if I wanted to go out of state with him this weekend.

I like him, but I don’t think we’re right for each other, which means I’m not sure if I even care about him because I can’t figure out how emotionally invested in him I should allow myself so I don’t fucking know. Amusingly, the longer I have this argument with myself the less it will matter because I’ll just fall comfortably into crazy.

(Notice how a typically easy Yes or No question becomes easily avoided in the mosh of brain jumble)
VoR: he isn’t pursuing me as aggressively as most people usually do

Guys commonly reach a point where they do this, usually at 3 or 6 months. Between stages of a relationship a lot of times. Just mirror him and wait it out. I bet you he’ll come around once he notices it’s not bugging you and he can be more sure that you aren’t going to get all needy and freak out his commitment radar, as he’s likely still trying to figure out what he wants.

I like him, but I don’t think we’re right for each other, which means I’m not sure if I even care about him because I can’t figure out how emotionally invested in him I should allow myself so I don’t fucking know.

The bolded part sounds like you’re not sure which way to ‘split’. Like a riot policeman, pepper spray in hand, just waiting for the word to turn from good cop to bad cop. You can still care about him and not be right for each other at the same time.

Wait a bit. Don’t do anything rash just because you’ve got that trigger happening. Distance yourself from the paranoid feelings, i.e. you can contemplate them, just don’t react to them.

I thought this was pretty sound. I’ve been doing pretty well with not reacting to my paranoia or impulsive feelings.  It’s just, I’m so used to dating women, and women are much more up front about their feelings and about showing affection. Guys, either hold back because they don’t want to appear too interested (read: game) or you know, they have other stuff to do and don’t know that we’d like a little more reassurance than they’re giving. It doesn’t help that I act in complete opposition to how I feel. To all outside appearances I’m extremely confident and emotionally stable. And by stable, I mean I deny that I have emotions and joke around a lot. The point is, I don’t come across as an emotionally needy person. I do this on purpose, because who the hell wants that? Tech Boy has told me outright that he doesn’t really get emotional. I don’t know what that means in terms of me though, so I just suppress what I want and have been letting things just unfold as they will. Which in this case means very slow. I’m used to people being constantly up in my life by this point, wanting to hang out at all hours, do stuff, idk.
Oh, btw, as I’m freaking out trying to figure out what to do before GF comes over, Tech Boy texts me and asks me if I want to go out of state with him on Saturday. ::headdesk:: Well,  yes.
So GF comes over. We get food. Drink some wine. Watch some Buffy (Don’t you dare make fun of Buffy). And before you know it we’re all cuddled up, holding hands, and smooching our soft little lips off. ::sigh:: Girls are soft and they smell nice.
I have no impulse control when it comes to human contact. None. I just, can’t say no. I mean, I can if I’m in a committed relationship*, but I’m not. Tech Boy and I are still in that non-relationship land of pre-relationship limbo.
GF is really into me. Has been for years. You have no idea the drama I’ve been through over this woman. Hell, she’s the real reason I broke up with Boring-Ex the first time. That and he just COULD NOT FUCKING RELAX AROUND ME. Seriously. I’m the one with the anxiety disorder and he was the one acting like someone infested his picnic pants with a nest of red ants. He was more neurotic than me. Calm the hell down, dude. ::breathe:: But am I really in to GF? Not really. I like her but she’s not someone I see myself being with even though she is someone that would provide me the emotional support and attention I need. Happily.  
No, I’m fighting with whether or not Tech Boy is someone that’s worth the emotional investment. I’m fighting with whether or not he’s someone I believe can deal with my issues. Hell, I’m fighting with whether or not I can even tell him about some of my issues, let alone all of them. I am trying to be mindful of him. I swear it. I know I have problems. I don’t want to drive him crazy. This is why I freak out here instead of in his face. I know he’s not an emotional person though, which makes me wonder if he can be there for me if/when I let him in to my more emotional side.
It’s that whole threat of intimacy. I want to be close, but I want to be safe too. The closer someone gets, the more able they are to hurt you. So someone gets too close, I push away. It’s for their own good after all. But then I’m lonely, and I miss the closeness that was there, and I want to pull back.
It’s a never ending cycle. On the one hand it’s reassuring for me when someone lets me back or doesn’t run away from me completely, because in a way it’s ‘proof’ that they can deal with my shit and won’t just up and abandon me. On the other hand, I feel guilty that there’s shit that they have to deal with in the first place.
**Ramble ramble ramble**
This morning over the coffee table he was making fantastic eye contact and smiling at me. My heart melted into gooeyness and I couldn’t help the smile the crept across my face.
F-ing cute
Well. At least my life isn’t boring.
*I don’t cheat. I break up with people. Do what I want. Then get back with whoever I really want to be with after freaking out.

4 comments on “Hearts are Complicated Creatures

  1. So coming from the other side of things…is there anyway to be close but not too close? To engender faith in our love without seeming like a threat? Because I can say, as someone who has reliably allowed her to come back in it hurts likely as deeply as the pain you so vividly describe suffering. To endure it requires shutting down part of my heart so I love less intensely on a conscious level and can survive the sudden distancing.Thank you so much for your blog. It has been the single most helpful source of insight for me and I have read everything I can find. –chicadina

  2. @Chicadina… I'm honestly not sure. Because what we feel is close or too close often changes from day to day. Somedays I need my space and I'm glad my significant other isn't living with me, other days I get upset at the hypothetical idea of them not wanting to move in together right away. The best advice I can give is to be very open with communication and try to get her to let you know what frightens her or makes her feel smothered or too close. Constant reassurance is also very helpful… and I don't mean telling her everyday flat out that 'you won't leave'. But little things, like reminding her how much you enjoy doing some certain thing with her, or letter her know that something you did was special. Provide specific validations for your feelings in the relationship. That will help her feel a little more stable with you I think and less afraid of the relationship ending. I'm sorry it's so hard on you. I've had some relationships with Bordelines as well and I know how emotional and confusing they can be.

  3. Just wanted to say borderlines are also beautiful. That emotion, empathy, and passion are amazing. When I reassure directly she pushes me away bcs she refuses all direct offers of help so your advice is brilliant and I will try it. Thank you. chicadina

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