Memoirs on a Sunday

I’ve been completely lost in my own mind today. For once in a very long time I was actually glad to have woken up alone. Which is so disappointing at the same time, because I really love waking up to someone, especially Tech Boy as of late.  
I’m about ready to run from whatever it is that we’re doing here. 
As I mentioned earlier this week Tech Boy wanted to take me out of state this weekend. He took me to one of his favorite casinos. I’ve never gambled before (no, never), and it’s something that he’s really into. He was excited to share the experience and introduce me to the whole scene.
Friday night he came over. He suggested I make dinner. I found this amusing but also had a mini panic attack because I hadn’t had time to shop or prepare a menu. If I was nice to myself I would have just told him to get take out. But he likes my cooking and I’m incapable of saying no.  So I prepared my Potato-Gorgonzola Soup and Steak strips sautéed in a Red Wine sauce with Rosemary, garlic, and shallots. 
We spent most of the night just cuddled up on the couch watching some great movies. Then to bed to make sure we woke up early to get on the road. I love sleeping with him. He wraps himself around me in such a magnificently luxurious way; a blanket of lust and affection entwined around my body. 
So we woke up early, feeling a little frisky, but still out of bed on time to get everything together. I found it absolutely adorable when he whistled at me as I walked out of the bedroom after getting dressed. 
So we got on the road, hopped a ferry, then a bus, and he introduced me to his love of casinos.
His tradition starts at Roulette. He had me pick the bets. Throughout the night we played Roulette only 3 times. We won each time. 
We had a cliché couple minutes at the slots. Boring. 
But we spent most of the day running the black jack tables.
Frankly, I’m not a gambler. Money doesn’t mean much to me, but I also don’t care to throw it away randomly. Gambling doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. 
Oh yeah. And we drank. We drank a lot. We started with beer on an empty stomach, added a touch of food and then just kept on drinking.  Eventually I had to switch to hard liquor (“had to”, I know, haha) because my stomach just isn’t that big and I can’t fit a ton of beer.  < —– My life is hard. Throughout the fun of having him teach me how to play black jack… which is surprisingly more complicated than just trying to count to 21… we talked a lot. 
My spider senses started tingling like mad.
We’re such different people. We’re both engineers, we both like metal music…. But that’s about it. As opposed to me and Friend, who I don’t think I’ve ever met someone that I had more in common with. Srsly, we don’t even have to speak and we still know what the other wants to do because we think so similarly. 
I just, don’t think I can do this. One of the conversations we had revolved around mental health. He has no idea of my issues, my background, or my mental health. We got on the subject of depression and medication in our drunken ramblings. He actually said to me, that medication for things like depression is a detriment to society because it’s allowing the perpetuation of a defective gene. WTF?!? The night before we watched a program on Steven Hawking’s ideas of time travel. Steven Hawking has a few more difficulties than depression and yet, one of the most brilliant minds in the world. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re seriously going to tell me that people are better off  without medication because it increases the chance that they won’t propagate the species, or will propagate it with a “defective” gene?   He specifically mentioned bipolar too and I about flipped the fuck out (which I didn’t). I did tell him he had better be careful b/c my sister is bipolar and telling me that medication to help her is a detriment to society is ridiculous. I felt compelled to find some kind of middle ground though and told him I believed it was entirely dependent on the person that was affected. My sister is a beautiful, amazing person that works to help people that are so much less fortunate than her. Friend’s wife, who is EXTREMELY bipolar, is one of the worst people I’ve ever met in my life and I hope she dies in a fire. It has nothing to do with the mental disorder, it has everything to do with their personality and the kind of person they are. Despite the problems that you are faced with, what really matters is how you cope and work with what you’re given. 
Problem: I’m diagnosed Major Depressive. This is not the worst of my issues. Nor is it my sole issue. How the fuck am I supposed to trust that he will accept the fact that I’m more than what he perceives? Forget my depression, how the hell would I explain that I’m Borderline? Dollars to donuts he doesn’t have a clue what it even is. 
He’s also clearly the kind of guy that just wants to “hang out”. He hasn’t had a ‘girlfriend’ since he was like 12 years old. Can you say absolute lack of an ability to commit? I sure can. This is exactly the kind of guy that will drive me to the edge. I know if I get attached to him it’ll drive me to insanity and back. I’ll want someone that actually wants to be with me more than anyone, and he’ll never give me that. I doubt he has any clue what he even wants. I’m positive of that in fact, because he doesn’t think about those kinds of things. His entire philosophy in life is sort of like, ‘who cares, take it as it goes’. He doesn’t overthink anything, which is awesome, but also doesn’t actually  think about anything at all. Which means he has no thoughts about where he wants us to be, other than he enjoys doing what we’re doing. 
Sure, he kind of went out of his way to bring me out to share his favorite experience. I know he likes me, I know he enjoys hanging out with me.  He has absolutely no idea how to treat a woman. At all. 
One of the conversations we had was about how to treat people. He knows I’ve had abusive relationships in the past, because I’ve hinted at some bad relationships, though I’ve thus far refused to go into detail. He said he was raised to treat people well. He doesn’t understand how someone can treat someone else abusively, what would the point in that be? He was raised different. However he also believes things like abuse is a 1st world problem. In the grand scheme of things someone that’s starving on the streets, hasn’t eaten in 4 days, has bigger problems so it’s something to keep in mind, for perspective when you’re worrying about things like abuse. 
Seriously? I mean, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah not having food or the ability to eat or have shelter for days is tragic. That’s not a question, but that doesn’t negate the fact that abuse is traumatizing and not something that’s ok.  
He just lives in an entirely different world than I do. He has no clue what dealing with this stuff is like, will never know, and therefore I doubt his ability to sympathize with anything I’ve had to deal with in my life. How do you be with someone when you have zero faith in their ability to empathize with you? Or at the least step out of their own limited little box and and open their mind to a different perspective of experience?
I want to run screaming.
All night he called me his good luck charm. By the time we left he’d won a significant amount of money, we were toasty liquored up, and I was ready to curl up in bed. My entire perception of him changed. 
I know that I’ve gone from an all hopeful and lovey (although cautious) outlook, to… SPLIT… this guy is bad news for me. But does that mean that I’m wrong? 
One thing my Therapist says about me all the time is how perceptive I am of people. Borderlines in general tend to be very aware of how other people are…we’re hypersensitive, in fact. I don’t think I’m wrong here. 
It kills me. I love sleeping with him. Curling up with him, having his arms around me, his lips on mine… I could lose myself in it easily. I’m trying to make better choices for myself though. We’re very different people and frankly, he’s had something of a privileged upbringing that hasn’t lent him any kind of idea of what people deal with in the real world. 
I want someone that wants to be with me. Without question. He has no clue what he wants. He just wants to enjoy things day to day. I don’t know if I can do that. Not without some hint that I’m of more importance to you than what’s for dinner tonight. 
Run. My instincts want me to run. Run fast.
I think he may have picked up on it a bit. Driving around I often put my hand on his leg. At various points on the ride home I would take my hand back, to respond to a text or whatever and not replace it right away. He would reach over and grab my thigh, leave his hand there, entwine his fingers through mine, hold my hand. I just, get mixed signals from him. 
I feel so detached. I want so much more. I look forward to going into work so much, but now… I don’t know. 
Oh, and the guys that I work with, apparently have me on such a high pedestal it’s ridiculous. One of the other techs is apparently crushing on me hard and basically hopes that I’ll be the actual replacement for his wife. Um, no. They notice me. They notice everything I wear. In general I tone it down big time. I wear color, I wear the kind of clothes the guys wear (This is part of the mask I don for work each day)… but the few times I haven’t… oh yeah, they notice. But I’m solidly one of the group. They adore having me around. I’m not one of the guys though. That much is so clearly obvious.  
::sigh:: They’re great guys. I don’t even have to try to seduce them though and they’re smitten. How do you trust people that you’re sure have fantasized about getting you into bed? I can’t deal. I’m losing hope in people. I’m losing hope in dating. I’m really losing hope in men. I know this isn’t fair. I do. But my experiences have been so wildly varied, and yet, so bad, it’s hard to believe that they’ll ever come out good. 
What’s a girl to do?

I really need advice. If you have any, I’d appreciate it.


32 comments on “Memoirs on a Sunday

  1. RED FLAGS:(Not all of them are necessarily red flags in and of themselves (although most are), but when combined with the others they become suspect. I'm sure you are aware of most of them)"I’ve never gambled before (no, never), and it’s something that he’s really into.""He suggested I make dinner.""he whistled at me as I walked out of the bedroom""My spider senses started tingling like mad.""He actually said to me, that medication for things like depression is a detriment to society because it’s allowing the perpetuation of a defecting gene." [This guy is a moron. Really.]"He specifically mentioned bipolar too and I about flipped the fuck out (which I didn’t). I did tell him he had better be careful b/c my sister is bipolar and telling me that medication to help her is a detriment to society is ridiculous." [Already looks down on your family and he hasn't even met them yet.]"How the fuck am I supposed to trust that he will accept the fact that I’m more than what he perceives?" [He has already proven that he won't, loud and clear.]"He’s also clearly the kind of guy that just wants to “hang out”." [This is why I said earlier that I'm done with 'hanging out" with dudes on dates, because then you end up with these kind of idiots.]"He hasn’t had a ‘girlfriend’ since he was like 12 years old." [Can't connect with others.]"His entire philosophy in life is sort of like, ‘who cares, take it as it goes’. " [Limited sense of responsibility, accounability, and consequence."He has absolutely no idea how to treat a woman.""He said he was raised to treat people well. He doesn’t understand how someone can treat someone else abusively, what the point would be. He was raised different." [Narc.]"In the grand scheme of things someone that’s starving on the streets, hasn’t eaten in 4 days, has bigger problems so it’s something to keep in mind, for perspective when you’re worrying about things like abuse." [No empathy or compassion. Also sounds like he's an Ayn Rand-style rich elitist. Fuck the poor and the sick.]"All night he called me his good luck charm." [I personally hate this one the most. It's equal to 'muse'.]"Oh, and the guys that I work with, apparently have me on such a high pedestal it’s ridiculous." [Perhaps he sees you as the office trophy. Narc.]

  2. Medusa you're amazing. I'm just. I can't believe the guys I find and attract. It's like they crawl out of the woodwork for me. I must have some kind of 'asshole' pheromone. Everything you said, RED FLAG. Some of the things I thought were cute (like him whistling at me, calling me his good luck charm) but you're probably right, still red flags. Ugh. I can't keep this up. I'll drive myself crazy and have no one to blame but me.

  3. Fuck… When we were talking about relationships and what not… and he said that about abuse being a 1st world problem. I was fucking paralyzed. Abuse isn't a 1st world problem, it happens everywhere, everywhere, but that he couldn't even say something like 'you deserve to be treated better'…. what kind of guy is he?

  4. The way you described how he feels in bed reminds me of how I felt with the ex-junkie, the dude that landed me at SW.It was my favorite thing about all of it, and I still miss that so much. It was home. Wrapped so tightly around me all night, as much skin against skin as possible, like he was holding on for dear life. We fit like gloves, and like we were born that way. It was so fantastic that I think I exaggerated it's importance in my mind in terms of making the relationship worth it. I thought it meant love, I suppose. But the physicality completely contrasted with reality of the relationship.And with the shaman, deciding to break up with him was torture, although it didn't take me very long at all to decide to do so, maybe a day or two. My housemate finally told me to just rip the band-aid off, and so I did. I knew it was time to go because my body was starting to tell me that it was love (the female body can really trick you like that) but my mind knew better. It was sad and really really dissapointing that he was so… disappointing, but I felt so fucking fantastic after I did it. Really proud of myself. In control, like a queen. No dilly-dallying, just straight up. This Fabio guy with his embroidered shirt half-open who probably thinks that he (and probably can) get any woman he wanted. Nope. I am not an 'any woman'.Of course, after a week or two I doubted my decision for a long time, and that was torture. But I know I did the right thing, and I think my doubts were just remainders of an old way of being. It was a huge turning point for me, tearing off that band-aid with complete confidence and courage. There's no way I'm going back to old ways now that I really know that I don't have to do or put up with the same ol' bullshit.Haven, I really like you and it's blaringly really clear to me that this guy is nowhere near good enough for you, nowhere near as intelligent as you are, nowhere near and open as you are, nowhere near as self-examined.Don't let your body trick you.

  5. I think you're right. My body, my hormones, they want the chemical drug so bad. I'm an addict for the emotional rush that comes with relationships but that's all it is. It's a chemical rush. Ripping off the band-aid, as you say, has always terrified me. One of the things that makes me so clinically insane is the stark contrast between my cognitive knowledge (of how guys treat me) and how I feel emotionally. Emotions are a drug. Logic is a really cold shower when it's already fucking freezing outside. I have to end this. How do I do it so that things are still ok at work? I want to tear into him and open his eyes to how limited his mind is so he has some clue to how closed his mind is. I think that would not lend itself well to us being 'cool' at work. I'm physically shaking with the need to rage at him and having to hold back. I don't understand how people can be so ignorant.

  6. I think we all have what could be termed dealbreakers. That whole eugenics thing sort of qualifies. Not to mention he doesn't have a technically accurate understanding of it bcs it's not like unmedicated depression precludes the possibility of reaching reproductive age and, well, reproducing.That said you decide what your own are of course.I really like you too and seriously admire your strength, honesty and courage. Just maybe take some time with your thoughts to sort out the stuff that's more driven by black and white thinking as opposed to down the middle. For me tech boy is besides the point in a way…if that makes sense.As for the work boys it may be you are feeling suffocated by them- their attention? Their expectations? When I feel like that its usually bcs I'm giving something I don't want to give but feel obligated to or not saying something I need to bcs I'm worried about making someone mad at me. –chicadina

  7. Hey Haven. I read through this post and think that my advise is so simple, but may be taken badly in your current state. I'll say it anyway.Remember This? "I want to be as close to some people as I possibly can without letting them get close to me."To me, this whole blog post is about his "red flags", and why he's not commitment material. Yeah he sounds bad but, him aside… the quote above was you, only like, a week ago or so. You want to know why you attract the guys you do… that one tiny little quote says it all.The process of eliminated the wrong ones from the right, starts with what we let people see.

  8. Resist the urge to expose him to himself. Don't do it. In his mind he'll probably think you are a crazy psycho bitch and may fuck up your job environment a fair amount. Resist the urge to fix. It will likely backfire. Even a non-narc wouldn't respond well to that.I'd be very gentle about it, since you work with him, and maybe even feed his ego a little. You want to break up on good terms and have him still respect you. Try not to say anything that might make him defensive. Maybe something like, "I've been thinking. I'm attracted to you and I've really grown fond of you. It's been really great getting to know you, and I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you, but I'm not sure it's in our best interests to continue seeing each other since we work together. As much as I love your company, my career is my priority for me right now. My job is very important to me and I don't want to do anything to risk it."Or something like that. Lie if you have to, just don't lie about anything that can be proven false.Let him respond, nod at whatever he says, hear him out, don't get defensive. But stay your ground. If he does the "Well, let's be friends, and hang out as friends, I'll text ya and shit" stuff, just tell him, "Maybe sometime in the future, but not right now. We'll still see each other around the office!"Smile when you see him at the office, even if you have to fake it for a while, but do not engage. Resist the urge to be passive-aggressive, but try to steer clear of running into him for a while.And do some paintings.

  9. @Eden. I'm exhausted. Of course you're right. I choose people that are incapable of true intimacy because I"m afraid of true intimacy. I can 'be close' to him without fear that he'll try to dig to deep into who I am. I can safely hold back and still have the illusion of what I want. Illusions, however, are not what I want. I feel like I need to tell him what is wrong with what he's said to me. I don't know if that will make any difference though. I should just bail. I need to figure out how to let people see who I really am. I'm good at letting them see the good, but then I tailor to what I think they want as well. I need to learn how to not do this. Thank you. Thank you all. Medusa, Eden, Sweets… I have a lot to think about.

  10. Oy, I don't mean to sound like the advice-giver-lady telling you what to do, sorry. It's just my thoughts and experience. Take with as much salt as you wish.I agree with Eden about that quote. That's what attracts these guys, and what attracts you to them. The emotionally unavailable attracts the emotionally unavailable. It's some kind of law of nature.

  11. Resisting the urge is probably the hardest thing for me Medusa. My instinct and inclination to lay into him with everything on my mind. I know I can't though. I have to resist. I loathe the idea of feeding his ego. That's something I'm notoriously bad at. I don't do egos. I don't play into them, and I crush them with shear logic and observation. Ugh. I can do the 'you're a great guy, blah blah blah, just in a different place, need to focus on my career" thing easily enough. There's still that part of me that feels like it would be for his own good, and for the good of any chick he ever dates after me, if he just heard the truth. I guess the truth isn't always the best medicine though. Thank you.

  12. No need to apologize at all. I need as much advice as I can get. If I'm going to get out of this less scathed than I have in the past I need to listen to better things than I've told myself previously. I don't know how to attract decent guys, I guess. It's pretty frustrating.

  13. I'm sorry you are getting disenchanted by men. You are that rare animal at work men fantasize about capturing. But they don't see your (perceived or otherwise) flaws because you can't show them at work. My advice is to keep that up!I think it's a good thing it's winding down with tech boy. (I think the fact you've been calling him tech "boy" all this time speaks volumes…) I never tell people I'm bipolar or bpd, but I do test men very early on. I usually find out by date #2 if they're tolerant and open-minded. I might tell them a story of a friend who has a "difficult" wife or something to get their take, or how they might deal with me. If I like what I hear, I introduce them to my unusual habits early on. I start with something they can never argue with, like my need for sleep. Then I tell them I'm not "myself" when I don't do x, y, or z for myself. These are things they can't argue with. Sure, I'm being manipulative, but isn't that what we do best? ;)It's ok if you find out you don't like someone even after the sex is so good. It isn't the first time or the last time that's gonna happen. You're disappointed, so what? Go now to the people and places that make you feel welcome, safe and loved, not like a freak. Always keep looking for someone you want to spend time with outside of the bedroom, too. It has taken me years to stop blaming myself for making choices that weren't perfect. Be glad you didn't get closer to tech boy, and don't date guys at work.

  14. Actually that's not entirely true. I have told people about being bipolar, but not until I feel emotionally safe with them. I hope that any of this is helpful. You deserve goodness.

  15. It seems inevitable Bella. I'm rather glad I didn't open up to him at all. A lot of the conversations we had were those 'testing' sort of conversations. Heehee, so not going to apologize for the manipulative nature. Not even a little. I do the same though. Test him with the lesser things that I think some won't accept but aren't the worst of I can come up with. Gauge his reaction to those things… my bisexuality, non-christianity, etc… then go deeper from there. It's just weird though because he always seems to take everything I say in stride and is fine with it all. He got all 'depression = bad' yesterday, but when he mentioned my scars and I told them I did them myself because it was something I needed to do to keep myself alive… his reply was to brush it off, and a short while later tell me how beautiful I was while holding on to me hard. It's such a contradiction I just can't help wondering if he has any idea what he's saying.I guess it doesn't matter. What he has said isn't good for me. That is clear enough. I'm definitely glad I haven't gotten closer.

  16. God I feel like such a shitty advice giver :PI have this "Fuck it" attitude with relationships. Haven, I think it is interesting that your rage wants to help open his eyes. That is very telling. You are frustrated with what you want him to be, because you are ready for more out of a relationship. Think about what you want tech boy to be, scratch him off your mental to do list as much as possible, and go out there and look for someone who is already like that. Make a checklist of what you value in a person. Also, think about what road blocks you are putting up in your own life from obtaining someone like that.

  17. @Sweets…. Hah, my rage is very self-righteous sometimes. I have this problem with choosing bad people, and then thinking that, 'well if they change their opinions because of/for me than it must mean that there's something even better about me'… as a way to judge my own self worth. This is bullshit thinking though, i know it, but it's ingrained pretty deep. People don't change like that. You're right. I need to find someone that already fits the idea of what I want in a partner.

  18. @TNP… ::laughs:: yeah no kidding. Thanks for the smile. Yeah at one point he said if he ever had kids it would probably only be by accident. I was like oooookay. If I ever have kids it will definitely be on purpose. My body, my choice, and I'll be damned if I'm raising some kid alone.

  19. haven,sorry your prince turned into a toad…but it's not like he's a bad guy,just ignorant..don't hate men because he is different than you,,,as you said,Friend is a man and he understands you…but i think you are right,techboy is not the guy for you…

  20. Every positive thing that you've talked about is physical. Every negative thing you've mentioned is mental, emotional, etc. I think the choice is obvious. You should walk now. Any further time you spend with the physical is going to just make it harder in the future.Also, let me just say that good physical attraction won't be hard to find, but finding someone you connect with will, so don't dwell on this guy just because you have a good physical thing right NOW. I know in your mind the thought is, well, I have this now, but if I ditch him, I won't have it at all. The thing you SHOULD be thinking is that I'm getting rid of what's wrong for me and setting out on the path to find the person that gives me this good physical stuff AND understands me.Also, he's fucking nuts. He's probably the same guy that says ADHD was invented by the drug companies to sell more meds. (My wife has ADHD. I know how horrible it can be, and what a blessing medications are)

  21. "I choose people that are incapable of true intimacy because I"m afraid of true intimacy. I can 'be close' to him without fear that he'll try to dig to deep into who I am. I can safely hold back and still have the illusion of what I want." This is so me, and strangely, they reason why I've attached to a Borderline guy 🙂 My therapist always tells me, men like this are drawn to women like me who are scarred, who have issues, demons. They are like moths to a flame. I have always fallen for these types. I was actually thinking yesterday about my life—I've had 5 relationships (or ones that are exciting enough for me to remember). I had a first boyfriend who was a class-A loser, fucking crazy. Cheated on me, drank a ton. I clung to him like crazy. He left me, I was devasted. I moved on to another, who yesterday I figured out was without a doubt, borderline. No doubt in my mind. He left—I was devastated. I still to this day remember the heartache and anxiety. My next boyfriend, was dumber than shit, and sweeter than sugar. I knew he'd never leave, cheat in a million years. 3 years of that shit, I was done with that. Moved on with little to no regret. Married an emotionless man, but a man who is smart, honest, would never cheat, a professional of equal status to me (not to be arrogant, but that's a big deal in my part of the country). I knew he would never leave me. Had a beautiful daughter. Left him after 7 years. Immediately attached to a borderline guy. Life is a vicious cycle, a pattern if you let it. It's amazing, how you make the same decisions over and over again. This isn't about me, but shit, I'm starting to think I'm fucking borderline! I know exactly how you feel, Haven, and how badly you want him to want you. But wow from the outside looking in, he's bad news. And no doubt, he has mental issues. He is badly scarred. And I'm afraid by chasing after this, you're going to lose so much of the ground you've made in recovery. All that said, it's a great learning experience, to see how you are attracted to things that are unhealthy. Bottom line-you don't know what you want. You don't know how you feel. As long as he's mysterious and unavailable, you can obsess on what he's thinking, how to win the game, etc. When you are seeing someone who makes it clear how they feel, what they want, it puts pressure on you. This takes the focus off you, and on to the game. And the game will drive you crazy, because you won't win honey. Walk away from him. Emily

  22. Ok, I just saw this quote of yours "I have this problem with choosing bad people, and then thinking that, 'well if they change their opinions because of/for me than it must mean that there's something even better about me'… as a way to judge my own self worth. This is bullshit thinking though, i know it, but it's ingrained pretty deep. People don't change like that. You're right. I need to find someone that already fits the idea of what I want in a partner." Bingo! It's all in pursuit of earning our self-worth. But sadly you're right-it doesn't happen. These people won't change. I remember moments in my life,when I was with one of the decent men in my life, and I truly "got it". I saw the bigger picture, how those other guys were losers, true loser, and how much better off I was without them. I even remember one of them telling me that when he left. He said, "someday this will all make sense, you'll be damn glad". It made sense in my sane moment, when I was in a safe relationship. But in the actual moment, all I could think of was, "why in the fuck aren't I worth enough for him to want to change? For him to want to be better? what is wrong with me?" But it has nothing to do with that. It is THEM. Strangely though, I have these realizations, and are drawn right back in to another one. I completely get wanting to point out all his flaws. Truth is, I bet you he's heard them all already. He's been single for how long? I'm sure he's heard them. And it might feel good to get if off your chest, but unfortuantely, I'm afraid it will bite you in your reputation at work. My best advise is also to get out gracefully. And fight the urge to continue playing with him. My bet is—even after you break it off, he'll still want to play. That is even more dangerous than being in it, in my opinion. Get out gracefully, fight the anxiety, and move on. Emily

  23. I don't date women that say they'll never have kids (or conversely, really want kids). They're usually bogged down by deep levels of guilt or inadequacy, and that's some shit I don't want to have to deal with.

  24. Whether I have kids is a decision for when I have a stable relationship. There's no point saying I will or will not have them if I'm in no position to be having them. However I will not be a single parent. Raising kids is a big fucking job and I'm messed up enough. I know my limits and I think I would need a good partner in order to not fuck up my kid more than need be.

  25. I would say this is one of those times you trust yourself. Hard as hell I know but from the first mention of this guy I did not feel he was right for you. You have two choices. One is to continue seeing him with the realization that "this is temporary to pass the time". It's not a "relationship". It's not "forever". It will never be "forever". It's two adults enjoying each other's time and play him the same way he is playing you because he is seriously playing you. He smiles because he thinks you can't see under his mask. He thinks he has you twisted around his little finger and he can yank and pull you as he wishes. You can either decide to allow him to yank and pull you and play the game but be on the look out for someone who is much more your type or you can walk away. I personally would suggest walking away because we aren't very good with middle ground so it's either all or nothing with people like us. But definitely trust your spidey sense on this one. This guy wants nothing more than a good meal and a good fuck and with you he gets both. I love you like a sister even though I've never met you and only know you through your words but I hate to see you get hurt and from what you've said about this guy you definitely will get hurt with him.

  26. I still say tech boy is besides the point. You can trust yourself. His flaws, character, behaviour etc. and their rightness or wrongness is less important. What is important is how you feel with him and how you perceive him. That is your truth and you can trust it. You posted today that you can't trust yourself bcs you've made decisions with tragic outcomes. Trusting yourself doesn't mean you get things right all the time it just means you honor yourself and what you need.chicadina

  27. @Maasiyat… I adore you. My rosey vision of him is pretty smashed now. I don't think there's anymore ability for him to play me. If I let this go on, it'll be because I want something for the moment. These things always take me a little bit to bring to an end, but my mental process has already begun. ::sigh:: Thanks for looking out for me and caring. I just, wish I knew how to meet people that were decent and wanted to just be with me. Where do these people hide?

  28. @Chicadina… my problem is I can't trust my feelings around him. When he's not around, it's as if he's not even in my life so I can view everything objectively. But when he's with me everything changes. Saturday I was weary, exhausted and didn't want to see him anymore. The next time i saw him Monday he was sweet and giving me the attention i wanted so I was ok again. It just, all depends on the last interaction. I know this isn't logically consistent, I KNOW it, which is why I feel I can't trust myself.

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