Memoirs on a Sunday

I’ve been completely lost in my own mind today. For once in a very long time I was actually glad to have woken up alone. Which is so disappointing at the same time, because I really love waking up to someone, especially Tech Boy as of late.  

::sigh::

I’m about ready to run from whatever it is that we’re doing here. 

As I mentioned earlier this week Tech Boy wanted to take me out of state this weekend. He took me to one of his favorite casinos. I’ve never gambled before (no, never), and it’s something that he’s really into. He was excited to share the experience and introduce me to the whole scene.

Friday night he came over. He suggested I make dinner. I found this amusing but also had a mini panic attack because I hadn’t had time to shop or prepare a menu. If I was nice to myself I would have just told him to get take out. But he likes my cooking and I’m incapable of saying no.  So I prepared my Potato-Gorgonzola Soup and Steak strips sautéed in a Red Wine sauce with Rosemary, garlic, and shallots. 

We spent most of the night just cuddled up on the couch watching some great movies. Then to bed to make sure we woke up early to get on the road. I love sleeping with him. He wraps himself around me in such a magnificently luxurious way; a blanket of lust and affection entwined around my body. 

So we woke up early, feeling a little frisky, but still out of bed on time to get everything together. I found it absolutely adorable when he whistled at me as I walked out of the bedroom after getting dressed. 

 

So we got on the road, hopped a ferry, then a bus, and he introduced me to his love of casinos.

His tradition starts at Roulette. He had me pick the bets. Throughout the night we played Roulette only 3 times. We won each time. 

We had a cliché couple minutes at the slots. Boring. 

But we spent most of the day running the black jack tables.

Frankly, I’m not a gambler. Money doesn’t mean much to me, but I also don’t care to throw it away randomly. Gambling doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. 

Oh yeah. And we drank. We drank a lot. We started with beer on an empty stomach, added a touch of food and then just kept on drinking.  Eventually I had to switch to hard liquor (“had to”, I know, haha) because my stomach just isn’t that big and I can’t fit a ton of beer.  < —– My life is hard. Throughout the fun of having him teach me how to play black jack… which is surprisingly more complicated than just trying to count to 21… we talked a lot. 

My spider senses started tingling like mad.

We’re such different people. We’re both engineers, we both like metal music…. But that’s about it. As opposed to me and Friend, who I don’t think I’ve ever met someone that I had more in common with. Srsly, we don’t even have to speak and we still know what the other wants to do because we think so similarly. 

I just, don’t think I can do this. One of the conversations we had revolved around mental health. He has no idea of my issues, my background, or my mental health. We got on the subject of depression and medication in our drunken ramblings. He actually said to me, that medication for things like depression is a detriment to society because it’s allowing the perpetuation of a defective gene. WTF?!? The night before we watched a program on Steven Hawking’s ideas of time travel. Steven Hawking has a few more difficulties than depression and yet, one of the most brilliant minds in the world. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re seriously going to tell me that people are better off  without medication because it increases the chance that they won’t propagate the species, or will propagate it with a “defective” gene?   He specifically mentioned bipolar too and I about flipped the fuck out (which I didn’t). I did tell him he had better be careful b/c my sister is bipolar and telling me that medication to help her is a detriment to society is ridiculous. I felt compelled to find some kind of middle ground though and told him I believed it was entirely dependent on the person that was affected. My sister is a beautiful, amazing person that works to help people that are so much less fortunate than her. Friend’s wife, who is EXTREMELY bipolar, is one of the worst people I’ve ever met in my life and I hope she dies in a fire. It has nothing to do with the mental disorder, it has everything to do with their personality and the kind of person they are. Despite the problems that you are faced with, what really matters is how you cope and work with what you’re given. 

Problem: I’m diagnosed Major Depressive. This is not the worst of my issues. Nor is it my sole issue. How the fuck am I supposed to trust that he will accept the fact that I’m more than what he perceives? Forget my depression, how the hell would I explain that I’m Borderline? Dollars to donuts he doesn’t have a clue what it even is. 

He’s also clearly the kind of guy that just wants to “hang out”. He hasn’t had a ‘girlfriend’ since he was like 12 years old. Can you say absolute lack of an ability to commit? I sure can. This is exactly the kind of guy that will drive me to the edge. I know if I get attached to him it’ll drive me to insanity and back. I’ll want someone that actually wants to be with me more than anyone, and he’ll never give me that. I doubt he has any clue what he even wants. I’m positive of that in fact, because he doesn’t think about those kinds of things. His entire philosophy in life is sort of like, ‘who cares, take it as it goes’. He doesn’t overthink anything, which is awesome, but also doesn’t actually  think about anything at all. Which means he has no thoughts about where he wants us to be, other than he enjoys doing what we’re doing. 

Sure, he kind of went out of his way to bring me out to share his favorite experience. I know he likes me, I know he enjoys hanging out with me.  He has absolutely no idea how to treat a woman. At all. 

One of the conversations we had was about how to treat people. He knows I’ve had abusive relationships in the past, because I’ve hinted at some bad relationships, though I’ve thus far refused to go into detail. He said he was raised to treat people well. He doesn’t understand how someone can treat someone else abusively, what would the point in that be? He was raised different. However he also believes things like abuse is a 1^st world problem. In the grand scheme of things someone that’s starving on the streets, hasn’t eaten in 4 days, has bigger problems so it’s something to keep in mind, for perspective when you’re worrying about things like abuse. 

Seriously? I mean, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah not having food or the ability to eat or have shelter for days is tragic. That’s not a question, but that doesn’t negate the fact that abuse is traumatizing and not something that’s ok.  

He just lives in an entirely different world than I do. He has no clue what dealing with this stuff is like, will never know, and therefore I doubt his ability to sympathize with anything I’ve had to deal with in my life. How do you be with someone when you have zero faith in their ability to empathize with you? Or at the least step out of their own limited little box and and open their mind to a different perspective of experience?

I want to run screaming.

All night he called me his good luck charm. By the time we left he’d won a significant amount of money, we were toasty liquored up, and I was ready to curl up in bed. My entire perception of him changed. 

I know that I’ve gone from an all hopeful and lovey (although cautious) outlook, to… SPLIT… this guy is bad news for me. But does that mean that I’m wrong? 

One thing my Therapist says about me all the time is how perceptive I am of people. Borderlines in general tend to be very aware of how other people are…we’re hypersensitive, in fact. I don’t think I’m wrong here. 

It kills me. I love sleeping with him. Curling up with him, having his arms around me, his lips on mine… I could lose myself in it easily. I’m trying to make better choices for myself though. We’re very different people and frankly, he’s had something of a privileged upbringing that hasn’t lent him any kind of idea of what people deal with in the real world. 

I want someone that wants to be with me. Without question. He has no clue what he wants. He just wants to enjoy things day to day. I don’t know if I can do that. Not without some hint that I’m of more importance to you than what’s for dinner tonight. 

Run. My instincts want me to run. Run fast.

I think he may have picked up on it a bit. Driving around I often put my hand on his leg. At various points on the ride home I would take my hand back, to respond to a text or whatever and not replace it right away. He would reach over and grab my thigh, leave his hand there, entwine his fingers through mine, hold my hand. I just, get mixed signals from him. 

I feel so detached. I want so much more. I look forward to going into work so much, but now… I don’t know. 

Oh, and the guys that I work with, apparently have me on such a high pedestal it’s ridiculous. One of the other techs is apparently crushing on me hard and basically hopes that I’ll be the actual replacement for his wife. Um, no. They notice me. They notice everything I wear. In general I tone it down big time. I wear color, I wear the kind of clothes the guys wear (This is part of the mask I don for work each day)… but the few times I haven’t… oh yeah, they notice. But I’m solidly one of the group. They adore having me around. I’m not one of the guys though. That much is so clearly obvious.  

::sigh:: They’re great guys. I don’t even have to try to seduce them though and they’re smitten. How do you trust people that you’re sure have fantasized about getting you into bed? I can’t deal. I’m losing hope in people. I’m losing hope in dating. I’m really losing hope in men. I know this isn’t fair. I do. But my experiences have been so wildly varied, and yet, so bad, it’s hard to believe that they’ll ever come out good. 

What’s a girl to do?

I really need advice. If you have any, I’d appreciate it.