DeJa Vu Too

Today is also the day of the DÉJÀ VU Blogfest.

Basically everyone who signed up will repost an old blogpost that they think hasn’t gotten enough attention, is helpful, or that they just like a whole bunch. I know a lot of bloggers put out a lot of really good material when they first start blogging but don’t really have much of a following. This is sort of a chance to highlight some of that stuff. I honesty couldn’t decide what to choose. For a minute I thought about talking about my latest tattoo, but I’ve received a lot of e-mail and thankful responses about the post that I finally decided on.
It’s also something that I think is good for people to remember about me. I have a:
Lack of Object Constancy  ( <—- Original post – Go Ahead. Click it! )
“Borderlines have problems with object constancy in people — they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don’t have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline.”
Object Constancy – They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD  patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
My therapist tells me I have a lack of object constancy.
Out of sight, out of mind: For me, I don’t believe people hold me in their memories. If I’m not around, or I am not in some form of contact/communication with them, I don’t exist in their world. I have an extraordinarily hard time holding onto the thought that people remember me, hold me dear or care for me when I am not in their physical presence. Out of sight, no longer connected. I’m sure to most people this is not how they perceive relationships (be it friendship, dating, familial). I think it should be a consistent progression of emotions and experiences that build together to form a deep bond. I also have a hard time holding onto the strong emotions I feel for those I care about, and when I do manage to I also manage to convince myself that I am the only one that feels this way and no one else could possibly share my depth of emotion though I desperately hope they do. This creates a feeling of panic and loss for something that may actually be there and I need to find a way to reaffirm these feelings in myself and others every time I am back in contact with them. It’s a maddening cycle of doubt, loss, connection and disconnection.
Holding Time:  I have a hard time holding together one event after the other. I remember events just fine, but holding onto the sentiment of events in series that something is bound. It doesn’t always feel to me that everything is connected. One thing may happen after another, but it does not seem like things hold together in essence after the former has passed. Like if I’m gone too long, that I was there before will cease to be relevant. There is no continuum of events. Everything is like a single instance in time and I have to completely reestablish how I am connected to the event, the environment, the people every time.  It’s very difficult for me to remember that everything is NOT a series of individual events. They ARE a continuum. The attachment of one event bleeds into the sentiment of the next giving life to yet another. That continuum is what binds memories, sentiment, and relationships. Yes? At least that is what I imagine it should be. I imagine so, I don’t feel it.
I often have terrible anxiety when people leave. There’s a desperate need to understand how others feel about me, hold me to them, our connection, because I can’t hold onto this concept myself. On the other hand, when people do leave, abandon me, never to return, after a while it’s as if they were never in my life. I have memories of experiences with people, but no emotional connection to the memories. It’s like I’m remembering a story someone else told me. Sometimes this happens immediately, other times it takes weeks of panic at the loss before I break from the emotional attachment I’ve been able to build. Lately though, I notice this happening more and more quickly, with less time spent obsessing over every instance that lead to the break.
My dissociation helps me here because after the initial fear and anxiety, my emotions deaden. I become numb to the experiences I have just been through. I feel detached from my own body and it becomes logical that others wouldn’t be attached to me when I am not even attached to myself.
How attached are things, moments in time, events, really? How does it feel to be so strongly bound by sentiment that you feel indefinitely connected by a series of things? I simply don’t know.


15 comments on “DeJa Vu Too

  1. Twi'lek, I have often times thought about you outside of the blogger realm. Your leathery red skin, long, curled head protrusions, overly pointy canines and skimpy leather ensemble drive, even a Jedi, a bit crazy. And the fact that you are able to wield two sabers at once. O, o, o, o.

  2. Hi Haven! This is a very insightful post. I know I sometimes think similar thoughts if I don't hear from someone for awhile, it's very easy for me to slip into that anxiety mode then. Thanks for sharing this!

  3. Wow, I never heard of this condition. Very insightful. I imagine your condition protects you from many hurts and prevents you from enjoying many ordinary joys that most of us take for granted. It sounds like you're dealing with it quite well. I can assure you, you've left an impression on me, and I won't forget you. Nice to meet you during this awesome blogfest, Haven!

  4. I've started reading The Criminal Mind so I can absorb and understand the nuances of certain personality types and disorders. I find it all so interesting and personalizing to know they there are reasons behind certain behaviors society finds unacceptable or intolerable or just plain don't understand. I have my own twisted tendencies and am not nearly brave enough to discuss them, aside from my OCD. I'm a new follower via the blogfest. Nice to meet you!

  5. "I've dated several women with BPD, never knowing it beforehand, but attracted to the type. It's never worked out well. My first OPD girlfriend, in college 34 years ago, lives in a town a few miles from where I'm staying now (I'm visiting my daughter at college). I called her up, remembering her as a fascinating, beautiful, vivacious woman, and wondered vaguely why exactly we broke up. After a few hours of catching up, I remembered: she ran down a major Manhattan street with her top off, and tried to make it my fault she did that. She also pulled a knife on me. Sadly, she's still the same today, and when I left I was very glad that I had the sense to break up with her 34 years ago."Son – never stick your dick in crazy.

  6. I think BPD is very interesting. I too dated someone with BPD but was not aware of it at the time. She would cut herself constantly and leave me crazed suicide notes covered with blood. I would wake up to the sound of breaking glass in the middle of the night. After she od'ed twice I had finally had enough. I was sure she was gonna die and I was gonna get charged with some horrible crime. Before I left I asked her what she would do if I left and she told me she would kill herself. I packed up and left the next day and as I drove away she hopped on the side of the car (jeep running board) and started pleading with me to stay. I wish I had the knowledge your blog has equipped me with then. You can imagine i'm prolly not a walk in the park to be around. I was not able to control her at all. She was very charmed by me but it was not enough to surrender the fear inside her.

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