Hi. I’m Haven.

No, you won’t be safe here. I won’t tell you comforting lies. I am a refuge for the truth.  Large or small, sometimes the greatest epiphanies fall from the most innocuous moments. I have had these, though I make no promises that you might.

I would say, I’m just a girl, but I don’t usually feel like one. I don’t usually feel human at all. A body walking, talking, thinking. Animated consciousness. I recognize the world around me though it feels as if someone else is stimulating my actions as I witness from afar.

My story is set in the mundane. Recognizable as the world you know. The world you walk through, live in, play in, connect with. I do all these same things, except connect. I am disconnected, interrupted from the flow of the ordinary.  Utterly. I am an observer, witnessing the lives of others and overseeing my own; moving through a measurement of time three feet to the left of the common border. The border between what and what, you ask? I walk the Borderline between a Dissociated worldview and the one you know. For me the scene will differ though the picture may seem the same to you. This is the portrait I hope to portray.

What does that mean? As far as my eye can see, Borderline Personality Disorder, while a clinical diagnosis is not a tangible thing. It’s not a condition that can be disected and cauterized like a rotting limb, amputated to leave one functioning whole. It’s not a disease treatable like Bipolar or cancer that you can throw lithium or radiation at to ‘cure’. But, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a real problem. It’s a category that encompasses an array of symptoms classified by one overarching Title illness. You can try to treat the symptoms, but there’s no cure for the category. It’s a Label, so the psych can bill my insurance company with a pin-pointed disguise for my diag’nonsense’. I border on a multitude of madness and sanity. It’s a part of me.

This is how I journey through that world. Your world.

8 comments on “About

  1. You are a human being with your own unique experiences. You are not different just unique. We all live in “our world” and yet we are all in the same group called humanity. Be strong and courageous.

  2. Thanks for the site. I love the new “look”. I’ve reached much the same conclusion as you have after almost two decades of trying to figure out whether “I am” or “am not”. I have come to terms with myself now and I’m comfortable with my own conclusion that I’m a “highly functioning borderline”. This designation does not define me, however. Rather, it provides me with a sense of understanding about the world I inhabit, the sense of alienation and deep pain I feel asI struggle to recover from childhood trauma. I have Complex PTSD with major betrayal and abandonment issues that have accompanied me throughout life but without the characteristic features of borderline personality disorder. Specifically, I do not engage in self destructive behavior (I don’t cut, abuse substances, I’m not promiscuous), I do not rage, I’ve never been suicidal, I’m not impulsive, I do not see everything in black and white and I have maintained long term relationships. I’m certainly not a perfect person, but I try to be the best person I can be given the struggles I’ve been through. It’s been a long road and one thing I’ve learned is that “pain is pain” and we all suffer as part of the human condition. Borderlines suffer more than most, I can attest. Those of us that are highly functional borderlines are often the invisible and invincible ones that succeed despite limitations, are often highly competent, intelligent, creative, compassionate – not the “monsters” or “evil ones” as often is portrayed. I think the analogy of borderline to a “thin skinned” hemophiliac is probably more accurately depicts our condition. That is, we easily “bleed”, although psychologically and not visibly. Our childhoods cause us to be extra sensitive to pain while simultaneously able to hide the pain (in some ways, it’s a cruel predicament to find oneself in because it’s not a “choice”. I appreciate your work on this site because it provides a space for “us” to come out of the closet and validate our pain and experiences as “real” as opposed to fabricated, false, dramatized, not proven my “evidence” or professional designation by the mental health establishment. I think you have an insightful take on the issue and I’m glad you have become a “voice” for some of us. Best of luck to you.

    “Nine Lives”, CPTSD is REAL (work in progress)

    Please feel free to contact me, if you wish. I’d love to talk you about your work.

  3. I read “Bordering on Fear…of Success”, the one line about “excitement” reminded me of something I often say, “I’ve had more enough excitement than I ever want”.
    I tried those exercises, one, when I was asked to do a solo trumpet in 6th grade and was happy to do so, the twist being that standing on the edge of the stage, “B” Brown was pounding on my foot trying to get me to mess up. I didn’t. So it was a happy experience. Other exercises were Eagle Scout, placing first in the school in 2 subjects during the state-wide exam, and so forth. There was a lot of negative stuff back then too: like my mother-bitch was physically abusive (throw you down the stairs type), a -as we now know- a pathological liar, and then normal growing-up stuff.
    After high school, as now known, I was plagued by hypoglycemia, prejudice(I have a jewish sounding name), a couple of serious illnesses, an some usual negative experiences.
    Using the greek myth analogy -Sisyphus- I am somewhat different. I get to the top of the hill, but do not go down the other side. No boulder goes backward from whence I came.
    Any off-hand ideas why?

  4. I really like an image you used on your site and would like to use it to create a business card for a friend. It’s the one with the silhouette of a head with gears turning inside. Is it copyrighted?

  5. Dear Haven, I’ve only read about 20 posts as I only came across your blog today, but I just had to leave a comment. You have written my biography. I know it is yours, but I am speechless. For the first time in my life I can relate to every word someone has written. So, I will read every word, just give me some time 😉 Take care, Shira

  6. Holy f#@cK! You’ve got to be in my head! You are putting my thoughts in to words and quite eloquently I might add. Because I to am borderline, I will binge read your blog and than probably forget that it even exists 😉

  7. Write more, please. I guess you’ve covered most of what you could. But, I’ve grown attached to your writing, and seeing that there isn’t any new writing, it feels like you’re dead. Hope you’re not, but I hate discovering bands, artists, or blogs when they’re already done producing.

Leave a Reply to barb Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s