Therapy last night was kind of a downer. Mostly we talked about Tech Boy and my hesitations about the whole thing. I told Therapist what I told you about my weekend with Tech Boy and how I’m vacillating between like and dislike.
Therapist wishes I had refrained from physical intimacy with Tech Boy. Taken it slower. I don’t know. This doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. Physical intimacy is safer than emotional intimacy. Which I am taking very slowly. I think I’ve had enough physical traumas that my body doesn’t feel sacred to me. I’m dissociated from a lot of the things I do to it, with it. Bodies heal; it’s the mental imprint that is the problem. Therapist was concerned though because the chemical reactions in the brain don’t distinguish between good and bad choices. That oxytocin the brain releases when you have positive physical contact doesn’t discriminate. Just because it feels good, doesn’t mean it’s good for you. And I’m addicted to this feeling. I’m addicted to human contact. I don’t mean that in a metaphorically poetic kind of way either. I start to jones for it. Without it I get anxious and empty. I crave it. This is probably my own true weakness. It makes me melt and the world is all better, at least for the moment.
I don’t think I have the capacity to fall in love with him. This could be total crap but right now I’m in flight mode. Although, just because I don’t think I’ll fall for him doesn’t mean he can’t hurt my heart on a smaller level, and he already is. Therapist sees my ambivalence. How I miss waking up next to someone, next to him, and yet I have all these concerns that make me want to flee.
Ambivalence.
I swear anytime Therapist or Psychiatrist use this word when they’re talking to me I hear this quote from Girl, Interrupted:
Susanna: I’m ambivalent. In fact that’s my new favorite word. Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence? Susanna: I don’t care.
Dr. Wick: If it’s your favorite word, I would’ve thought you would… Susanna: It *means* I don’t care. That’s what it means.
Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings… in opposition. The prefix, as in “ambidextrous,” means “both.” The rest of it, in Latin, means “vigor.” The word suggests that you are torn… between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna: Will I stay or will I go?
Dr. Wick: Am I sane… or, am I crazy?
Susanna: Those aren’t courses of action.
Dr. Wick: They can be, dear – for some.
Susanna: Well, then – it’s the wrong word.
Dr. Wick: No. I think it’s perfect.
It is kind of perfect.
Therapist quite clearly doesn’t like this guy for me. She wants better for me. But she won’t tell me what to do and she doesn’t think I should just run away. I need to find more of a balance in my actions. Not an all or nothing response. Therapist thinks I should bring up the discussion we had about depression and mental health with him. And I have to say I agree (I’d already been thinking about this). This is clearly an important issue for me. I should give him the chance to elaborate and explain, and not shy away from providing my real opinions on the matter. Either it will open his eyes to an opinion he hadn’t considered before and he’ll be understanding (because maybe he’s never been exposed to someone who needs medication or has suffered with depression), or he won’t and that will be even more telling.
Ultimately though she doesn’t think this guy is right for me. In fact, she really likes Friends personality for me. She thinks I shouldn’t deviate too much from that. From what I know is good for me. I had so much easy and natural chemistry with Friend. That’s almost absent here. She thinks maybe I’m using this ‘relationship’ with Tech Boy as a way to get over him still and to assuage my loneliness because clearly I know this guy isn’t right for me. However, this is what friends are for. To help keep you company and take away some of the loneliness. It’s just not the same though.
She thinks at best this is a transitory relationship. Those aren’t necessarily bad. What’s important is I decide whether or not it is healthy. I’m dissociating from my feelings in this already which is an indicator that this is not going to be a healing relationship for me. I’m feeling distant from the situation and I’m uncertain of my own feelings. Right now I’m just sort of going with it until I can be certain, or at least give him a chance to explain and find out more about him. I know, I know, it takes me a little while to build myself up to ending things with people. Plus I have to do it in a fairly neutral way to maintain a decent working relationship. Anyways, so I can probably keep myself distanced from him while remaining in touch without throwing myself over the edge. Continue developing emotional space from Friend, use this as a transitory relationship to assuage my loneliness and {insert psych babble}, until I find someone better or that I actually connect to, or just can’t deal with it anymore. Then end. (That’s how I felt last night anyways). Right now though I’m hurt and upset and really fucking angry. It’s stupid. I’m going out for Happy Hour with some of the guys from work, including Tech Boy. I figured we’d be making a night of it so at some point afterwards we’d probably head over to my place for whatever and so I could actually talk to him. Newp. Apparently he has a friend coming in to work on his car tomorrow so he’s taking him out after Happy Hour to a place I introduced him to. Which means I probably won’t see him one on one at all this weekend. Ya know what? He doesn’t see me as someone “he’s with” so he doesn’t think to consider me or include me or whatever. Fine. Fuck it all. And fuck him to. I’m furious.
That’s at least a solid emotion though. As I was telling Therapist it’s been a little weird for me. My meds are clearly doing the job they’re supposed to be doing. My mood is more up and I’ve been steadier. It’s just, in a similar situation, before I know I would have had some very strong emotions. However, I actually feel pretty emotionally steady. A little up and down, but nothing I’d consider extreme. Relatively stable. However I’m having some emotional confusion b/c of it. Knowing I would normally feel one thing, but feeling relatively steady instead, it makes me feel kind of confused. I guess it’s good that I’m not flipping out, it’s just a strange sensation to not be feeling something that is so familiar. 