Borderline Boredom

Boredom should not be allowed.
Came home from the gym. Increased my lifting weight. Everything is tired. I don’t want to move. I have no motivation. No inspiration to draw. No attention span to read.  Nothing to keep me occupied. Alone with my thoughts. Empty. Everything just feels empty. I want a drink. Drinking at least lets me fill the void a little. Take my mind away ::sigh:: At the same time I want to not drink. When you know you shouldn’t do something and you need help not doing that thing, that’s when you ask for help right? So I ask Friend for motivation to not drink, and I just get fucking angry when I’m given reasons not to! I make no bloody sense. Fucking Buddhist meditative logic like: it messes with my meds, frustrating levels of libido, and makes irrational thoughts crop up. Whatever. The libido issues I deal with daily. I’ll give him they mess with my meds, but my meds don’t seem to be helping anyways so what’s the point? I already have irrational thoughts, my mind is a very busy place to be >> But they tend to lead to self loathing and the last couple times I drank (that he knows about) I said things trying to get him angry at me. >> Which I promptly freaked out about. I need to not be left alone. I need to not be left to my own thoughts. Something, anything to occupy this space that goes on forever. I can’t stand it.
And by the way ‘Empty’ is not a feeling. It’s a lack of feeling. What the hell is there to say about feeling empty. There’s nothing there! Of course now I’m worked up and agitated, so I guess that’s something.
Too many thoughts that go everywhere and nowhere and wrap back in on me. I need distracting. Just for a while.
Maybe just one…
This thought brought to you by: Rage Against the Buddhist.

Grr.



Intolerable boredom

 Arg. Being bored drives me insane. I’m down to my last few days at this current job. I have no more work to do. I absolutely can’t stand this. I’m antsy and anxious. I’ve asked my boss for some small project to do (he hasn’t responded to my request), I have read all of the blogs I follow, done a ton of research for my own (seriously I have fodder for probably 75 posts), updated my Tumblr (which is an extension of this blog but with more pictures), got up, smoked a cigarette, I’ll go to the gym on my lunch break, exhausted my news sites…. And it’s not even noon. I can not just sit here all day and stare at my screen with nothing to keep me entertained. I’m actually looking forward to nuking a veggie sausage and chopping up my apple at lunch just to have something to do with my hands. I’m ridiculously frustrated. I do not sit still well. My brain keeps roaming down destructive paths, like why does my friend IM me everyday but has begun to deviate from our traditional greeting? Of course I ruminate on this for days and finally ask him, but he hasn’t responded and now I think he’s trying to ignore it and avoid answering the question. Then with another friend I’m plotting to take over a dormant volcano to create a young super villains’ boarding school. Who does that? At least going to the gym spends time. It almost goes too fast. Going to the gym is like a time machine. It’s wonderful. Driving there takes time, working out takes time, I even read while I’m biking or doing some other forms of cardio so I’m distracting myself while I’m distracted. It’s like taking myself completely out of my own world and dropping me into a parallel dimension of productivity. Time flies, my mood lifts, I come back to work, and suddenly the hours begin to drag on and on and on again. This is intolerable. I don’t like having the space for my thoughts to roam freely. They like to find the hardest places and off road into peril, BASE jumping off cliffs without a freaking parachute. Ugh. This is why I am always busy. This is why I actually like to work and be challenged and immerse my mind in the most difficult things I can find. It blots out the noise.

Update: So I asked my friend why he didn’t ask me how I was doing anymore. When I got back from the gym he had responded. Though in the mean time I had convinced myself that his wife was interfering to disrupt our relationshp, and our friendship was ending. Anyways, he said he just hadn’t realized and then asked how I was. My cognitive/emotional process? I was relieved and instantly felt better because he had responded and we continued chatting as normal. Cognitively I am suspicious and I don’t believe him. How do you do something everyday for almost a year, deviate, and not notice that you’ve deviated? He has no reason to lie to me, and as far as I know, has never lied to me before. Trust issues much? You betcha. Feeling betrayed and relieved at the same time is exhausting and incredibly confusing. 

Hollow – Criteria 7 / Emptiness and boredom

Criteria 7: Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom.
 

Hollow. That’s often how I feel. Or don’t feel as the case may be. Like there’s a void where my internal receptors should be. There’s always a sense of seperateness, being removed from the crowd with only a hollow center to fall in on. I can never quite cross that emotional bridge that binds people together, I’m left to drift along the same river but never quite reach the shore.
Bored. I don’t know what it’s like to be bored. I hate to be bored and thus, never am. I plan and plan and plan ahead so that I always have something to do in case there is even 5 minutes where I’ll have to be left alone with my own thoughts. If you were to turn out my shoulder bag you would find, multiple books, my journal, multiple sketchpads, art/drawing supplies and my Netbook in case I manage to be somewhere with free WiFi.

When I was in school this was easy. I chose the hardest courses, would create elaborate study schedules and obsess over getting perfect grades. The more effort I put into my schoolwork, the less effort I had to put into my real issues. After I moved to New York I discovered the whirlwind that would become my social life. For months and months ahead of time I would have almost every day, every weekend scheduled away to see people, attend events, not leaving even an hour when I wasn’t off getting ready to run to the next thing. For nearly two and a half years I lived like this. Eventually the pressure and exhaustion caught up with me though and I turned inward once again.

Without something to occupy me I’m left only to think. My brain never shuts off, never slows down. My thoughts race. Being left alone with my own thoughts is dangerous. In the space of free time my thoughts can wander and roam. Often not to happy productive places. Feeling hollow it’s hard to hold onto the thought that there is anything good in me, when I feel there is nothing in me. What can there be to look forward to with nothing good inside? My thoughts are often ruminating and destructive, taking me down paths that will never actually be, except in my own mind. In this journey deep where those harmful thoughts dwell I have the power to destroy myself. I’m more a danger to myself than anyone else in this world could be. It’s no wonder I spend every spare moment trying to fill unused time with things that will allow me to escape the trappings of my own mind.
 
Maybe if I can make everyone see all the Stuff I do, I have, on the outside, they won’t notice how empty I am on the inside.