Things are moving rather slow sexually. This makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do when people aren’t constantly trying to jump me. I know she likes me. This isn’t a question. It makes me nervous when I need to fill the silence with actual words that aren’t so easily distracting from me. I’m forced to let her get to know me instead of redirecting her eye to other things. Maybe this is normal? Or healthy? Not jumping into bed? Not constantly using sex as a distraction? I don’t know how to handle this. It’s so much easier to have sex then it is to continuously think of things to say. It’s less invasive, less intrusive. I know what I’m doing in bed. That rarely gets me in trouble. The things that come out of my mouth however, and I’m not talking about my tongue here….
|Learning how to draw trees|
Finally, I miss my sister. A lot. I got a drunken text from her earlier… “I’m going to bed. But I’m also a little drunk and I miss you. Lately I have felt like I’m always going to be too short to ride the big kid roller coaster. And I would prefer to feel this way with you here because you know how to handle me. And that makes me miss you.” If you’ll remember my sister is bipolar so she’s all over the place like me too, but different. She stresses a lot about stuff, work, school etc. She’s smart it just takes her a little more effort to process school material, hence stress. She’s back in school and doing a really amazing job getting on track with what she wants to do (work with the deaf community). I’m so proud of her. Of all the things I dislike most about living in NY, it’s that my sister is 500 miles away =( It’s so rough some days. Especially on bad days, for both of us. No one has ever had the ability to reign in my moods and keep me in a calmer place than her and likewise for her, I just KNOW her so I know what helps. It makes me sad that I can’t be there for her when she needs me. I love my sister. I wish I could hang up my life here and go home to her sometimes. Can’t. My life is here now. For now. And I have to get up for work in the morning. G’night.
I do this blog as a chance to give some insight into the life of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder however I feel like if I ONLY focus on the multitudes of BPD characteristics I’m losing a little bit of the human aspect that I want to convey. So, just to sort of give an idea of what else goes on in my life that’s not solely centered around BPD, I think I’ll do some random weekend postings. Hopefully a different side of me, or at least a more well rounded view of me, highlighting other areas of interest. While my borderline issues are clearly problematic, I’m not running around like a giant ball of static and charge 24/7. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll give some insight into the little daily effects BPD has on me, how other aspects are seemingly unaffected, and how little patterns emerge, converge, and dissipate in time. We’ll see how it goes.
With the season change and the mornings being lighter earlier my insomnia has been worse and I haven’t been getting any sleep. At least I hope it’s the season change. The only other option is that it’s my medication and I actually like my Abilify so far. I want this to work out. I have however decided to stop fighting the no sleep and be productive. Or at least creative. I started painting 2-3 weeks back. So when I can’t sleep I do this:
|Red Sky Dawns|
They’re actually pretty easy to make. I can’t believe how much these things sell for where I vacation. I tried to pay attention to the conversation but I was feeling more than a little irritable and hypersensitive. A buddy of mine was sitting next to me, and Friend was on the other couch. They were both trying to talk at the same time and I felt like my mind was going to dig a hole in itself and retreat. My brain vibrating into a smaller and smaller place. I could hear sounds but it was so much static I couldn’t make out what either of them were saying, it was just too much voice at one time. Too much volleying. The only thing I could do was tune them out sometimes or my head would start to hurt.
It’s seriously a good thing that I do manage some impulse control because there are days when calling in to work in order to stay home and paint are really high!
It was a weekend. A long, long weekend. I’m including Monday in this too, even though I was technically working. I took a day trip to Chicago for my job. Up at 4:30a.m. to fly out, back by midnight flying back.
|We have matching tattoos|