Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy

I can’t believe it’s been a month already. I’m starting to track them by my visits to Psychiatrist. Yeesh. Yesterday I saw Psychiatrist (really Psychiatrists PA). I like her a lot better than the actual resident Psych. I realized that I absolutely do not trust him because of the first med he had me on that made me gain weight. I know this is not entirely rational. He was more concerned with stopping my suicidal thoughts and cutting so he needed to put me on something that worked immediately, unfortunately that didn’t take into account my other issues. Which is my main problem with psychiatry. They don’t really spend enough time with you. They aren’t fully aware of your issues and your personalities because primarily they are drug pushers. This is why I believe therapy is so important. Therapy is where the real work on your core gets done. Ramble ramble. So I’m continuing on my 50mg of Pristiq for another month and we’ll see how it goes. Honestly, so far. I’ve had no issues with it at all. I’ve had a few days of mild depression, but my mood has definitely been better in general. Not swinging all over the place. Then again, I’ve also been secluding myself in my world of books and very minimum socializing which may also contribute to that.

I just want to be perfect

This was a pretty heavy day in therapy. I’m going to try to remember everything we discussed but it was a pretty intense session.
My body image is a disaster. I don’t even want to go out in public or wear normal clothes because I’d rather hide myself away. Therapist says I’m so incredibly hard on myself, she wishes I could take it easy on myself. I should just go out there and say, ‘anyone worth anything will love me the way that I am’. The problem is, I don’t love me the way that I am, so how can anyone else? Yeah, this is something I have to work on.
I’ve only had one bulimic episode in the last two weeks though. Last Saturday I went to Maker Faire with Friend and the wife. We did this last year too. Afterwards we went back to their place. I made cookies, we watched movies and hung out, I went home around 9 and had an all out binge. I didn’t plan on it, it just sort of happened. In working through it, the whole day was probably very triggering for me. Last year at this time Friend and I were very deeply involved. Physically and emotionally. When we were at the Faire with the wife and friends it was fun and exciting because just being near him was exciting and intense. We had this chemistry and bond that was intense and I was emotionally attached in a way that I finally felt like I had someone who truly understood and accepted me and appreciated me for all that I was. He was my best friend and an intimate partner. There was a completeness to how I felt with him and a trust that he shared the experience with me of doing something in. Knowing that part of us was together there. Well, all that is gone now. This year I was kind of bored, I wandered off alone. I felt like a passenger. It’s normal that I would compare the two experiences. The differences between them. But I’m not processing them in a healthy way. I’m shutting down and blocking out actually experiencing the emotions that should be bubbling to the surface. It would be normal to remember that time and feel sad, or hurt, or lonely. It would be normal to feel a welling of emotion, to cry, and miss what once was and isn’t there anymore. But I’m not. Instead of feeling the range of emotions that come with grieving a loss of happiness, I’m detaching from my emotions and suppressing them. Instead of dealing with them directly, they’re being expressed by bingeing and purging. I feel an aching emptiness that I’m trying to fill with the only thing I have, food. Food is a comfort, it’s nourishment. I’m lacking true emotional nourishment so I’m reaching for what I do have to fill the void and the empty time. It’s not what I really need though. And then of course, I feel guilty because I’ve eaten so much. Guilty that I lost control over my ability to control my impulses, disappointed and ashamed that I couldn’t control myself, and I have to get rid of it. Maddening. But it makes sense. I’m still grieving the loss of something that made me feel loved and accepted, but I’m not actually processing it. Therapist is concerned that I’m not dealing with my feelings towards Friend. Especially as I still talk to him everyday and hang out with him frequently. When we were first developing our friendship and later involved, I felt an intimate core emotional attachment to him in a way that made me feel like I was actually experiencing the world alongside someone. Now when I see him, he’s like a very familiar stranger who I’m experiencing the world next to, but not with. Does that make sense? I recognize it, I remember the history, but the feeling is like “who is this person and how does he know so much about me? Do I really know him? Does he really know me?” It’s very disconnected. Therapist wants me to try dealing with my feelings more directly.
Homework: She wants me to write him a letter. Not one to actually give him, but write it as if I were writing it to him. In it, I should express all the feelings, hopes, wishes and regrets that I had, have, and felt and feel towards him. I expect it will be rather painful, but she said I can take it slow and do a little bit at a time.
It just kills me. The wife always appears so put upon to show any kind of affection or make an effort to do anything, let alone anything warm and loving. I can’t imagine being so cold and reserved towards someone that I’m supposed to be in love with and married to. It’s actually painful to know what he wants and see him deprived of it, knowing that I am naturally the kind of person that could willingly give the sort of thing he always said he wanted. Especially when the wife has (even recently) said that she should probably care about what he feels but traditionally she only really thinks about herself. But hey, I don’t get to choose who anyone falls in love with, I don’t get to decide what’s best for anyone. Except me. If he wants reserved and unaffectionate, so be it, that’s not the kind of person I am so I guess he wouldn’t have really wanted someone like me anyways. Not nearly so painful as it used to be.
And that’s starting to touch on my progress. I’m letting go. I don’t need to talk to him. I don’t need to be near him. I don’t need him. In fact, I’m starting to want to get out and meet new people. I want to expand my circle of friends because how am I going to meet someone else, if I only ever see him?
Oh! I broke up with Lady Friend. Whoops. I sort of forgot to mention that a while ago. There was just no chemistry between us at all. Well, for me. I felt bad because she really liked me, but trying to hold a conversation with her was like a stop motion film. Choppy and strung together. I’m not an overly chatty person (not that you would know that from my ridiculous long rambling blogs), but she was even less chatty/social than me. There was no real balance, no real spark. I like more outgoing, aggressive people, she was incredibly passive. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a beautiful, sweet, wonderful woman, but there was just nothing there. She didn’t drive me crazy, and I think that’s part of the problem.  
I have hope though. From all of this Therapist thinks that it wasn’t all bad. Friend and I were highly, highly compatible. That wasn’t made up. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that I’ve had such a natural, easy connection with. While he might not be the one for me, at least I know that a connection like that can exist. I’m one step closer to knowing what it is that I want. Never again will I settle for another Boring-Ex.  I also know that I deserve someone who wants to be with me. Not someone that is willing to let go of something so intense without thinking about how it would affect me, without talking about it with me so that I could understand what was happening. Dick. He doesn’t deserve me. Therapist says that as long as I have hope, than she doesn’t really need to worry about me. I’ll get there. I’m slowly getting to a place where I’m actually ready to move forward and try something new. I’m still grieving. Greif doesn’t just go away overnight. I need to actively work through it though, not dissociate from it.
Therapist also doesn’t think my self-imposed seclusion is a bad thing either. All summer (especially all August) I was incredibly stressed out about vacations, doing everything for other people, that I finally just needed a break. And that’s ok. I’ve been reading a lot. And I mean, A LOT. It’s a complete and utter escape for me. My imagination is so vivid that reading a book is like watching a movie from an omniscient point of view. I’m totally immersed, totally out of my head, out of the world, away from my problems. I know it’s partially to avoid dealing with life but on the other hand, I’m allowed to take a break and take time for myself too. I shouldn’t feel guilty about this.
Homework: Following up from last week though, she did give me an additional homework assignment. It’s a completing sentences exercise. This specific set was designed more for the younger clientele, but trying to decipher and deal with emotions is universally human so she thinks it would be good to sit down and really work through. She wants me to stay in the present, mostly with respect to Friend and Roommate as they’re my immediate sphere of emotional attachment.
Work on the current stuff now. The past will always be in the past and there will always be time to deal with that later. There’s no time like the present to deal with right now though.

Rage of the Fallen

I hate these days. I’ve been angry, intensely angry, for the last couple days. Today it just kept compounding. 

Usually running helps. Endorphins are a wonder. Which is why I started my Saturday morning at 7a.m. with them. That only lasted long enough for me to get so frustrated with lack of planning that I cancelled going into the city. Which was the only reason I didn’t let myself sleep in for one of the few days it’s even possible.

What’s the best way to perk yourself up when you wake up to a continued seething fury? If you said ‘Go Shopping’, you’d be dead wrong, but I did it anyways. I went from pissed of to murderously homicidal over the span of 4.5 hours. Holy fuck I hate the mall. Also, there are no shoes. Anywhere. Seriously, it’s like pre-Spring pops around and all real shoes disappear into a vortex of professional seasons past. I went into approximately 3000 shoe stores and found nothing. All shoes are sandals, open toed, or stiletto hooker shoes that won’t do me any good at this particular job. Though I’m sure they’d leave an impression. Probably in someone’s fucking forehead.

On the other hand I did get a couple new work shirts and the most expensive shirt and pair of under tanks I’ve ever bought, EVER, at J.Crew. And not that I’m complaining but how is ‘0’ a size? 

Gotta say though, it doesn’t suck when you have enough money to not bother looking at price tags. 

And if I needed another reminder for why I never want kids. People are slow moving, inconsiderate, rude and pay absolutely no attention to the children they  turn loose to scream like banshees as if the mall was their own personal demonic Chuck E. fucking Cheez. 

It all Friends doing, or lack of doing. My therapist thinks I’m still grieving and I’ve just passed into the angry stage of the grieving process. Stage? I’ve never NOT been angry about this.  I’m not ready to say what I need to yet, but I will when the time is right. In the mean time it’s all I can do to not tell him to piss off and leave me the fuck alone for one fucking day. And then GF keeps harping on me. I tell her I’m pissed off and don’t want to see anyone and she tries to tell me she’s sick and afraid and wants to get sushi with me tomorrow. I’m off food until the Sci-Fi convention in two weeks = no sushi. BTW, I’m fucking RAGING and she wants sympathy?!? Genius.

I want to rage and scream, beat the shit out of something or have the angriest sex possible. I have nothing to focus on. Nowhere to direct this. Frustrated and furious.

I just hope it burns me out so I’m exhausted enough to sleep for a change. In the mean time, that’s what Xanax is for.  Try to contain it. Hope it will pass. 

What causes BPD? Linehan Theory – Part 4

Continuing my 4 Part series of Dr. Linehan’s theory I’ll now explore Unremitted crisis vs. Inhibited grief.
Unremitted crisisuninterrupted; constant, unpardoned (as a sin) feeling that a condition of instability or danger leading to a decisive change which the trend of all future events, esp. for better or for worse, is determined by a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person’s life. Steadily maintained.

Ok, yes. Especially with my depression and trying to hold onto the thought that people care about me and aren’t going to leave, I always feel like I’m struggling to hold on. Everything feels dire or like there’s impending doom whether it’s externally perceived or battling my own internal thoughts and feelings. I NEED to understand what’s happening and what’s more I need those that care for me to understand, intervene, be there for me to lean on if I need.
What’s more I often feel like people won’t forgive me for any small infraction. I get worked up if I’ve done anything wrong and have a nearly fatalistic attitude that people will walk out of my life. Dissolving in a puddle of self doubt until I can prove that I am not a bad person. Again, this has to do with my inability to believe that one action does not negate all previous actions. That people take me as a whole series of our interactions not just single episodes. I can’t say this is completely unjustified though. I have had people, people that I was very close too, walk out of my life at the first infraction (however big), or once a single mistake was made all further actions were then in question and I was made to feel like I wouldn’t be forgiven no matter what I did to make up for it. While this may be true, it’s not entirely unjustified, but now it permeates my experiences with people.
Fortunately my current apartment and roommate are a safe haven for me, I have some reprieve from the constant upheaval. Some, not always, but it’s at least a calm environment.

Inhibited grief – to restrain, hinder, arrest, or check keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

Definitely. I’m at constant odds whether I have a right to feel the way I do about any given situation. I don’t understand what I’m allowed to expect or what I deserve from other people so I constantly question whether my emotional responses are appropriate. Do people really owe me anything? What can I actually expect of them? What do I deserve from people when I need help? Do I have a right to impinge on their time and divert their attention from what they were doing? Especially if it’s from a loss. I’m sure things are often my fault, guilt, and I don’t know if I have the right to believe/expect that others should work things out with me. If I don’t have the right, then my feelings aren’t justified and I need to hold them in. But when I know something isn’t entirely my fault, I feel absolutely no remorse if the contributing party isn’t willing to communicate with me. Black or white.
I may want to pursue the topic, push someone to work things through with me but I restrain myself for feeling like I have no right to do so. I hold back and wait. Which only causes me to get more anxious and allows my thoughts to wander down all the possibilities that may be going through their minds and often come to the worst conclusions in my own mind. I feel the loss, sadness, over something that hasn’t even occurred yet. Or may never occur at all. I can’t quiet the distress that it creates and suffer for it in silence being unable to decide if I’m allowed to pursue a solution just to make myself feel better. Then I regret not being able to rectify whatever it was that occurred. This cycles back to making myself feel guilty for something that may or may not be my fault.