Racing nowhere fast

My thoughts are stealing all the energy my body would normally need. I’m exhausted. I stayed up late texting with Tech Boy. There’s just something so sweet about the last thought of the evening being someone wishing you good night. When you know their last thought of their evening is with you on their mind too. It’s like a blanket of mental warmth.
Then of course I woke up 2 hours later with my thoughts racing in 20 different directions. I finally started to doze off about 15 minutes before my alarm went off for work. I’m so tired I feel ill. My brain feels like it’s in a fog. And still my thoughts race. Only now they’re rushing around with arms outstretched as they collide into one another because they can’t see through the haze. I can’t even think straight.
I wish more than anything that I could go home to bed but I have so much to do today it’s impossible. Impossible.

Medication, Obsession, or Insomnia?

Alright I lied. I’m posting. I’m exhausted. I’m  rambling.

Can’t sleep. Can’t seem to balance. I think I’m falling to the artists’ obsession with their medium. I would love nothing more than to quit my job and stay home painting. I stay up painting as long as I can, wake up and instantly my mind is on my palatte.  I can’t fall asleep. Can’t stay asleep. Wake up early. Can’t fall back to sleep with the thoughts of color combinations, shading, lining, running, racing through my mind.

Or it’s my meds, or the weather, or maybe I’m anemic. Saw Psychiatrist yesterday. He was welcoming as always despite being upset with me last time. That was a relief. I told him that I’ve been incredibly fatigued and not sleeping.  I have Trazadone for sleeping. If I take too much I’m hung over and groggy all day. If I don’t take enough I either don’t fall asleep or don’t stay asleep. I also suspect that it slows down my resting metabolism when I’m asleep. It’s just a theory.

Last night I woke up at 230a… around 330a I took about a quarter of one just to help me fall asleep again. I woke up before my Cantina Band alarm went off and preceded to Snooze it once it did. Dragging myself out of bed is ridiculous. This never used to  be my problem. I was never a Snooze button person. Regardless of how little sleep I get I always just got right up. Everything feels heavy and slow. My brain feels thick. I hate feeling like this.

Therapist thinks it’s the new meds. Friend thinks it’s the weather and/or just need to give side effects a chance to pass. Psychiatrist isn’t worried at all and doesn’t even feel the need to see me for another month. So I’ll be continuing with 5mg of Abilify for the next  month. I’m going to try my damnedest to really limit, if not eliminate, my drinking. I’ve been doing really well with this.

I also realized that the only iron I’m probably getting is in my multi-vitamin and really you only absorb a fraction of what the label says.  Might explain the nosebleeds too. Time to invest in an iron supplement I think.

NAP. Nap. nap. Zzzzzzzz……….

I have a request…

Dear Brain,
Please let me sleep.
Seriously. Went to sleep late. Woke up at 2am. Woke up at 3am. In a cold sweat. After mildly disturbing dreams. Didn’t fall back to sleep. Got out of bed at 6.30am. What the fuck? I was a good girl. I took my Trazadone. I don’t use stimulants in general (read: no caffeine). Why does this nocturnal phenomena elude me? Some highlights from my dream included:
Saw everyone hurrying towards the exit. Apparently the building was on fire. I didn’t understand/know what was going on at first because I couldn’t hear any alarm. I strained to listen but I didn’t hear anything. I thought maybe there was a signal I hadn’t been told about. A blonde woman, maybe mid-40s looked over at me in a panic as she rushed by. I decided to go back to my desk and grab my stuff first, even though everyone else was panicked enough to leave theirs where it was. I had too much stuff and was having a lot of trouble picking it up and carrying it all. Things kept slipping. As I finally made my way out I began to see the smoke.
At some point I was picking at the palm of my hand. There were little bits of skin that I wanted to get rid of. I ended up pulling almost all the skin off of the palm of my hand until it was completely red and raw and there was a puddle of blood in my palm. I went over to the first aid kit on the far wall and got a large bandage. I knew this was something I shouldn’t let anyone see. It took me a minute to position it because I had to cut the one side to wrap it through my fingers, but it wouldn’t stay on. The EHS lady aw that I was bleeding and tried to get me to show her so she could report the injury but I refused.
I miss my apocalypse dreams. They’re way more fun.  
On a lighter note. My mood has been stable since Monday. This may or may not be a good thing as I dissociated from my emotions last week and other than some self-destructive impulsive problems Thurs/Sat/Sun, they haven’t returned. I’ve been calm and ok though. I actually cannot remember any period of time in years that I’ve had more than a couple days of relatively stable moods. I’m not necessarily in a good mood, but I’m not depressed either. Calm. It’s weird. It shouldn’t be weird for steady emotions to feel odd, but it does. I don’t recognize this as a part of my existence.  
1.)    The meds I’m on are kicking in. I do feel less depressed and less anxious. Almost not at all. However I was on these last week when I was flipping out and over the weekend when I was entertaining some destructive impulses and they hadn’t helped then. By the way, my pdoc increased my dose to 200mg/day the last time I went in to see him.
2.)    I’m still dissociating from my emotions. This makes doing my therapy homework pretty difficult. I’m supposed to be writing about my emotions to cognitively recognize them as I’m experiencing them in order to form a functional connection. It’s hard to do when I’m not really feeling anything. I’m calm. It’s calming. I feel ok. I don’t know how to internalize this.
3.)    I’m not in a relationship and am therefore not completely emotionally dysfunctional.  Having purged or been purged from all of the dramatic factions of my friendships and relationships, with the exception of Friend – whom I no longer feel anything for, I have no drama filled emotionally turbulent external influences. Granted I also haven’t been completely alone all week so I don’t have much to compare my experimental phase to, but hey, gimme a break.
If I had to hazard a guess I’d say it was a combination of 2 and 3. My dreams seem to be a better indicator of what’s going on with me than what’s actually going on with me. Regardless, 4-5 days is good for me! Yay me. This weekend should be interesting so we’ll see how that goes.

As for tonight: Sucker Punch, bitches! 


When a glass of wine and 100mg of Trazadone don’t even phase you, you know it’s going to be a long night ::sigh::