Thoughts from the Borderline

I’m better at taking care of other people than I am at taking care of myself. This is a problem. I put what other people’s wants ahead of what I want about 99% of the time.  Unfortunately this only contributes to the buildup of frustration and anger in me. I need to seek more of a balance from the beginning so this internal pressure doesn’t get to the popping point.
Live and learn.
On another note. I haven’t had a meltdown like I did last night in a very long time. I’ve been making a lot of progress this year. I guess a behavioral relapse now and again isn’t unexpected. Three steps forward, one stumble back. I just have to regain my footing and get back in the right direction.
I cancelled lunch with Tech Boy. No issues, no drama, just told him I wasn’t feeling up to it today.
I told Friend to leave me the hell alone. I don’t know how long this will last. I’m sure he’ll want to talk at some point. I’m not sure I’ll want to respond. Maybe after I cool down a bit, but definitely not right now.

Therapy is going to be awesome tonight. Ugh.

Do relationships ever work?

I’m so dizzy I want to vomit.
I won’t see Tech Boy this weekend… again. He’s going out of state to bar hop and see friends. I think I know where I rank in his priorities. He texted me to see if I wanted to go to lunch tomorrow b/c he wouldn’t be around this weekend. I said sure {but over a series of texts} he didn’t need to feel obligated to me or anything if he didn’t want to.
Does this sound overly weird?
Tech Boy: Wanna do lunch tomorrow? I’m not gonna be here this weekend?
Me: Yeah I’m down for lunch. Where ya going this weekend?
Tech Boy: Philly to see my friends for a night. Maybe two, haha.
Me: Cool. Cool. You’re gonna owe me night or two soon.
Tech Boy: Haha I really am… I’ve been slackin.
Me: Don’t think I haven’t noticed buddy haha. It’s whateves. What ya gonna get up to in Philly? Anything special or just chillin?
Tech Boy: Getting into troublelol rabbling around bars and whatnot. I’m a big fan of drinking and just seeing what happens lol.
Me: hah me too for sure.
(after a drink and a few minutes) Me:  I’d like to hang, but we don’t have to do lunch tomorrow if u really don’t want to see me. I don’t want u to feel obligated or anything?
Tech Boy: Now why on earth would you go and say something like that?
Me: Nothing to it. Just don’t want u to feel like u owe me anything. You’re not the easiest guy to read.
Tech Boy: I know… I don’t much like being simple.
Me: no worries, haha.
I also texted Friend, venting “I hate men.” He asked if it had anything to do with Tech Boy.
My response, “All men are the same.” He responded with….
“Okay, Well, You’re my friend, he can go F himself for all I care if he hurt you.”
And I fucking snapped and finally told him, “Right, like it matters. Not like you don’t still fucking hurt me too. WTF ever.”
He’s supposed to be this super Empath that is totally in tune with the emotions of everyone around him. This is his claim. And yet, any time I’m over and we do something  as simple as go to the grocery story, he makes a point of making out with his wife and making a big scene of “I love you” right in front of me. With absolutely no regard for the fact that this is extremely uncomfortable for me. He’s told me himself that he never falls out of love with someone that he has loved. When his wife told him we couldn’t do what we were doing anymore I confessed how deep my feelings for him were. He knows what it’s like to always feel for someone, and yet, he has no concern for how I feel. He also completely disregards this right in front of me face Every. Time. I’m. Over. There.
Fuck him.
I told him all of this and that I was sick of the  hypocritical nature of someone that ignores my feelings for a woman that has admitted to my face that she doesn’t give a shit about how he feels. So far…… no response from him.
Surprise! Not really. My taste in men is tragic.
I hope I never see Friend again. I’m glad I played it cool with Tech Boy. It’ll make things less awkward at work. GF loves me AND wants to be with me. Remind me again why I’m not with her?
 I’m so fucking sick of investing in people that don’t give a shit about me. 

Memoirs on a Sunday

I’ve been completely lost in my own mind today. For once in a very long time I was actually glad to have woken up alone. Which is so disappointing at the same time, because I really love waking up to someone, especially Tech Boy as of late.  
::sigh::
I’m about ready to run from whatever it is that we’re doing here. 
As I mentioned earlier this week Tech Boy wanted to take me out of state this weekend. He took me to one of his favorite casinos. I’ve never gambled before (no, never), and it’s something that he’s really into. He was excited to share the experience and introduce me to the whole scene.
Friday night he came over. He suggested I make dinner. I found this amusing but also had a mini panic attack because I hadn’t had time to shop or prepare a menu. If I was nice to myself I would have just told him to get take out. But he likes my cooking and I’m incapable of saying no.  So I prepared my Potato-Gorgonzola Soup and Steak strips sautéed in a Red Wine sauce with Rosemary, garlic, and shallots. 
We spent most of the night just cuddled up on the couch watching some great movies. Then to bed to make sure we woke up early to get on the road. I love sleeping with him. He wraps himself around me in such a magnificently luxurious way; a blanket of lust and affection entwined around my body. 
So we woke up early, feeling a little frisky, but still out of bed on time to get everything together. I found it absolutely adorable when he whistled at me as I walked out of the bedroom after getting dressed. 
 
So we got on the road, hopped a ferry, then a bus, and he introduced me to his love of casinos.
His tradition starts at Roulette. He had me pick the bets. Throughout the night we played Roulette only 3 times. We won each time. 
We had a cliché couple minutes at the slots. Boring. 
But we spent most of the day running the black jack tables.
Frankly, I’m not a gambler. Money doesn’t mean much to me, but I also don’t care to throw it away randomly. Gambling doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. 
Oh yeah. And we drank. We drank a lot. We started with beer on an empty stomach, added a touch of food and then just kept on drinking.  Eventually I had to switch to hard liquor (“had to”, I know, haha) because my stomach just isn’t that big and I can’t fit a ton of beer.  < —– My life is hard. Throughout the fun of having him teach me how to play black jack… which is surprisingly more complicated than just trying to count to 21… we talked a lot. 
My spider senses started tingling like mad.
We’re such different people. We’re both engineers, we both like metal music…. But that’s about it. As opposed to me and Friend, who I don’t think I’ve ever met someone that I had more in common with. Srsly, we don’t even have to speak and we still know what the other wants to do because we think so similarly. 
I just, don’t think I can do this. One of the conversations we had revolved around mental health. He has no idea of my issues, my background, or my mental health. We got on the subject of depression and medication in our drunken ramblings. He actually said to me, that medication for things like depression is a detriment to society because it’s allowing the perpetuation of a defective gene. WTF?!? The night before we watched a program on Steven Hawking’s ideas of time travel. Steven Hawking has a few more difficulties than depression and yet, one of the most brilliant minds in the world. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re seriously going to tell me that people are better off  without medication because it increases the chance that they won’t propagate the species, or will propagate it with a “defective” gene?   He specifically mentioned bipolar too and I about flipped the fuck out (which I didn’t). I did tell him he had better be careful b/c my sister is bipolar and telling me that medication to help her is a detriment to society is ridiculous. I felt compelled to find some kind of middle ground though and told him I believed it was entirely dependent on the person that was affected. My sister is a beautiful, amazing person that works to help people that are so much less fortunate than her. Friend’s wife, who is EXTREMELY bipolar, is one of the worst people I’ve ever met in my life and I hope she dies in a fire. It has nothing to do with the mental disorder, it has everything to do with their personality and the kind of person they are. Despite the problems that you are faced with, what really matters is how you cope and work with what you’re given. 
Problem: I’m diagnosed Major Depressive. This is not the worst of my issues. Nor is it my sole issue. How the fuck am I supposed to trust that he will accept the fact that I’m more than what he perceives? Forget my depression, how the hell would I explain that I’m Borderline? Dollars to donuts he doesn’t have a clue what it even is. 
He’s also clearly the kind of guy that just wants to “hang out”. He hasn’t had a ‘girlfriend’ since he was like 12 years old. Can you say absolute lack of an ability to commit? I sure can. This is exactly the kind of guy that will drive me to the edge. I know if I get attached to him it’ll drive me to insanity and back. I’ll want someone that actually wants to be with me more than anyone, and he’ll never give me that. I doubt he has any clue what he even wants. I’m positive of that in fact, because he doesn’t think about those kinds of things. His entire philosophy in life is sort of like, ‘who cares, take it as it goes’. He doesn’t overthink anything, which is awesome, but also doesn’t actually  think about anything at all. Which means he has no thoughts about where he wants us to be, other than he enjoys doing what we’re doing. 
Sure, he kind of went out of his way to bring me out to share his favorite experience. I know he likes me, I know he enjoys hanging out with me.  He has absolutely no idea how to treat a woman. At all. 
One of the conversations we had was about how to treat people. He knows I’ve had abusive relationships in the past, because I’ve hinted at some bad relationships, though I’ve thus far refused to go into detail. He said he was raised to treat people well. He doesn’t understand how someone can treat someone else abusively, what would the point in that be? He was raised different. However he also believes things like abuse is a 1st world problem. In the grand scheme of things someone that’s starving on the streets, hasn’t eaten in 4 days, has bigger problems so it’s something to keep in mind, for perspective when you’re worrying about things like abuse. 
Seriously? I mean, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah not having food or the ability to eat or have shelter for days is tragic. That’s not a question, but that doesn’t negate the fact that abuse is traumatizing and not something that’s ok.  
He just lives in an entirely different world than I do. He has no clue what dealing with this stuff is like, will never know, and therefore I doubt his ability to sympathize with anything I’ve had to deal with in my life. How do you be with someone when you have zero faith in their ability to empathize with you? Or at the least step out of their own limited little box and and open their mind to a different perspective of experience?
I want to run screaming.
All night he called me his good luck charm. By the time we left he’d won a significant amount of money, we were toasty liquored up, and I was ready to curl up in bed. My entire perception of him changed. 
I know that I’ve gone from an all hopeful and lovey (although cautious) outlook, to… SPLIT… this guy is bad news for me. But does that mean that I’m wrong? 
One thing my Therapist says about me all the time is how perceptive I am of people. Borderlines in general tend to be very aware of how other people are…we’re hypersensitive, in fact. I don’t think I’m wrong here. 
It kills me. I love sleeping with him. Curling up with him, having his arms around me, his lips on mine… I could lose myself in it easily. I’m trying to make better choices for myself though. We’re very different people and frankly, he’s had something of a privileged upbringing that hasn’t lent him any kind of idea of what people deal with in the real world. 
I want someone that wants to be with me. Without question. He has no clue what he wants. He just wants to enjoy things day to day. I don’t know if I can do that. Not without some hint that I’m of more importance to you than what’s for dinner tonight. 
Run. My instincts want me to run. Run fast.
I think he may have picked up on it a bit. Driving around I often put my hand on his leg. At various points on the ride home I would take my hand back, to respond to a text or whatever and not replace it right away. He would reach over and grab my thigh, leave his hand there, entwine his fingers through mine, hold my hand. I just, get mixed signals from him. 
I feel so detached. I want so much more. I look forward to going into work so much, but now… I don’t know. 
Oh, and the guys that I work with, apparently have me on such a high pedestal it’s ridiculous. One of the other techs is apparently crushing on me hard and basically hopes that I’ll be the actual replacement for his wife. Um, no. They notice me. They notice everything I wear. In general I tone it down big time. I wear color, I wear the kind of clothes the guys wear (This is part of the mask I don for work each day)… but the few times I haven’t… oh yeah, they notice. But I’m solidly one of the group. They adore having me around. I’m not one of the guys though. That much is so clearly obvious.  
::sigh:: They’re great guys. I don’t even have to try to seduce them though and they’re smitten. How do you trust people that you’re sure have fantasized about getting you into bed? I can’t deal. I’m losing hope in people. I’m losing hope in dating. I’m really losing hope in men. I know this isn’t fair. I do. But my experiences have been so wildly varied, and yet, so bad, it’s hard to believe that they’ll ever come out good. 
What’s a girl to do?

I really need advice. If you have any, I’d appreciate it.

Inexplicable Emotions

Thanksgiving was bad, but not as bad as usual. I only started to throw up once and stopped myself. I picked at food steadily but didn’t over stuff and completely skipped dessert. Good job I suppose. I even only had 2 drinks <~~~~ Major shocker.
Friend texted me a lot. Last year his wife flipped the fuck out on him and me because Thanksgiving was “family time” and “no matter how close you are to Friend you are not family”, (though Friend constantly regards me as such) therefore none of his time should be spent speaking to me at all. Last year we sent a grand total of 8 texts to each other.  This year he spent the entire evening after dinner texting me practically until I fell asleep and not a word from the wife. He’s been texting me a lot since I left New York. A lot since I started seeing Tech Boy. I feel like there’s some holding back and underlying emotion that he’s not expressing. I’m not sure if I find this incredibly amusing or achingly sad.  I haven’t been as consistent or available with him as I used to be and I can tell he’s starting to miss me. I’m torn between wanting to be there for him, because without me he’s essentially left with only being very close to his horrid wife, and thinking that he made his decision so he’s going to have to live with it and deal with the fact that my life is going to move forward without him.  Or with him in a diminished place of importance. 
Tech Boy texted me a lot yesterday too. He spent most of the night with friends boozing it up. The thoughts running through my mind? “Drinking + house party = who’s the girl from back home that you’re going to end up in bed with?” What did I actually say? “Catching up with friends is great, have fun!”
Inside does not match the outside. Thoughts do not match the behavior.
I think this is one of the reasons Borderlines come across as so inexplicable at times. And why when we do blow up it appears to be ‘at random’ or ‘out of nowhere’.  I know what a person wants to hear, I know what to do that will make me look more attractive to someone; however these things are often in opposition to what I want, think and feel. We do what will win the approval of the other person, so as not to lose them and to draw them to us more, even though ultimately those things build up and drive us slowly crazy over time. We can hold this and everything will be fine, until it’s not. It’ll build and build and build, and usually that final thing that makes us snap is seemingly little, when the other person doesn’t realize just how much build up went into contributing to that explosion.
 Like right now I’m ready to explode all over the place.
Last night my cousin asked me when I was going back to New York because she wants a ride to Manhattan. She’s nice enough but I really don’t want to have to adjust my travel schedule, wait longer to get on the road, and then have to make inane small talk for 8 hours. Also, driving other people around makes me incredibly anxious. I’m not a chauffeur. But she’s family so I felt obligated to say ‘yes’ though I did leave myself an out and say that I may leave earlier than expected depending on when I can see my best friend…
Who is also Borderline, and prone to making excuses, and flaking out on plans. I love her to death, but the rest of my stay here is entirely dependent on her. If she cancels on me at the last minute I’m going to be furious. She took longer to text me back than usual and I could already feel the anxiety and irritation taking over.
Then I went shoe shopping with my mother who chats away incessantly trying too hard to relate to me. She’s curious and wants to understand my Borderline problems. But every time I start to explain various things she tries so hard to make it sounds like she’s been in my shoes. It’s infuriating and pisses me off. Every time I spend more than a few minutes alone with her my stomach starts to turn in knots and I get physically nauseous. I can feel my blood pressure rise and all I want is to stuff my new shoes that she’s trying to walk in straight down her throat to make her shut up.
But I keep my mouth closed.
Little thing after little thing, builds and builds, and I’m ready to flee this awful state.

Random Life Update

I had every intention of doing a real post today but work was pretty much non-stop so I didn’t have time. So here’s a random life update.
At work it’s annual performance appraisal time. I’ve only been there 8 months but I still get one. It’s a sit down, face to face, talk with the boss. I hate these. It’s like insta panic attack x 10, with no warning. So he calls me into his office. I’m positive he’s going to tell me I’m doing a terrible job and that my job is at stake (because if you’ve been reading my schema assessments you know I have this problem with failure, unrelenting standards for myself, and feeling like everything I do isn’t good enough if I’m not the foremost authority on it in the world). His only real critique was that I should push my co-workers harder if I need something from them instead of trying to go about it myself. Then he talked to me about more projects he’d like me to take one and my long term goals (years down the line) with the group. I guess that means I’m not getting fired any time soon. If I’m being real nice to myself I guess that means I’m actually doing a pretty good job because the rest of my appraisal was all aces. Anxiety attack averted.

Chemistry. Get it? Ya, I know I’m lame. 
Things with Tech Boy have been going swimmingly. So we finally did the deed. TMI? Nah. Ok, got that out of my system. After work Friday we went out for drinks at a favorite local spot. Preceded to get pretty buzzed before heading back to my place (I definitely should not have been driving, bad Haven). We talked a lot and I got a lot more insight into his personality. There were a few flags that I should probably pay attention too…. Like the fact that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in, oh, 7 years, because he hasn’t been with a chick he likes for long enough to consider her girlfriend material. Then again, his cut off time was like 3 weeks and we’ve been doing, whatever we’re doing, for over a month now (plus he’s known me for 8 months). I don’t know what I should be reading into this, but you can bet it’s gonna be too much and too varied. So we came back to my place, put on Fight Club, and started messing around. Stopping periodically to chat and whatever. At one point we were snuggled up together and he ran his fingers down my arm, “So I’ve been wondering for a while now, what’s with all the scars.”  Oh the trials of a misspent youth. I explained I had a rather hard time growing up, it was something I needed to do to remind me that I was a part of the world. I do what I need to do to keep myself alive. That’s all that matters. I was a little drunk at the time and he didn’t push me to elaborate too much so I’m guessing he was a little weirded out but ultimately handled it okay. Especially as he spent a good chunk of time after staring into my eyes, tell me how beautiful my eyes were, how beautiful I am… and all that cuteness.  This was after the sexin so if that was all he wanted he didn’t have to tell me these things. Or yanno, stay over, which he seems to like to do. So two important events happened Friday night; sex and scars. Fun. He left at like noon Saturday…. And didn’t text me the next day.  

Advice to the Gentlemen out there: Don’t do that. If you sleep with a girl. You better ask her how she is the next day.

And I’ll be damned if I was texting him. So my paranoia ran away with itself and I started having all kinds of ridiculous accusatory badness running through my head; just wanted me for sex, I opened up too much and freaked him out, I never should have been honest with him about my scars, I’m too this, I’m not enough that….etc. When really, it’s a guy game. I know it is. It’s awful. Hence my post on trust issues.  Anyways. The no texting lasted until approximately 7 a.m. bright and early. And I let him text me first after that. I usually do this. I hate texting people I’m interested in. I almost never initiate contact or dates. I always let the other person do it. This way I don’t feel like I’m forcing their hand and I know they actually want to go out and do something/talk to me because they’re not just responding out of obligation. As soon as he texted me the next night my paranoia melted. I feel stupid admitting that, but it did. I hate that I can get so invested in someone that I clearly don’t trust yet, and something as simple as having their attention makes me feel better.


Must. Contain. The. Crazy.

Which is going to be difficult considering I have to go home tomorrow for Thanksgiving. This is always a rough time for me. Holidays with my family are extremely triggering. My family, my old home, my town, my bulimia, it all comes up and makes me want to do bad things. I’m trying my damnedest to keep it in check. It was around this time last year that I finally couldn’t take it anymore and jumped into therapy again, and found my psychiatrist. I’ve made a lot of progress over the last year. I do know that I’ve been in a relatively stable environment though. Home with my family has never been a stable environment. Here’s hoping it goes ok. 

Appreciation

I got a bit of a surprise today. Every day we have coffee break for our group of engineers and technicians in one of our shops. Once or twice a week I bring in some kind of home-made, from scratch, baked treat that I’ve created, concocted, or experimented with for the guys to try and hopefully enjoy.
This week was Honey-Orange-Lavender Biscotti and Pumpkin Spice cookies with Cranberries and Pecans.
The cookies are what I brought in this morning. I was just like, Happy Friday guys, I made cookies. One of the techs was like “Well we appreciate it; in fact, we have something for you too”.
As a token of their appreciation they got me a greeting card and gift card to Trader Joe’s (awesome organic grocery).  I didn’t actually look at the gift card right away other than to glance at where it was from. I’m still looking at the card and what everyone wrote and signed. Later I looked at the gift card and it was for $100! Holy crap.
I was absolutely floored. And speechless. I didn’t have any clue how to respond other than to say that thank you and they didn’t need to over and over.  Tech Boy later told me they’ve been talking about doing this for a while now. They figured I must spend a ton of money on them with all of the stuff I make (which I guess is true, but I don’t even think about it. I just like that they let me experiment on them haha) and they wanted me to know how much they appreciated it all. He also told me it took them 2 days to figure out what to write in the card. Too cute. Too sweet. I love the guys I work with. They’re absolutely the greatest.

Don’t play chess with Death

Mistrust and Abuse. Since writing that post yesterday I’ve had the evening when Evil-Ex tried to kill me on my mind. I need to get it off my mind and the best way I know to do that is to write it down and let it go. So hold on, this is going to get a little rocky.
Cast of Characters:
Evil-Ex … Malignant Narcissist. Need I say more?
Cutie … Met Evil-Ex around the same time I did. He lead her on, pursued her, they dated briefly and turbulently. When they broke up he created elaborate schemes to get revenge on her, make her life miserable and ruin her reputation. He tormented her in a way that made her feel like she was the one going crazy and he was really on her side all along. Sound familiar? It certainly feels familiar.
Doc….  Evil-Exes best friend who was slowly coming to the realization that there was something truly wrong about his friend. Went out of his way to open up and protect me. He tried to do this for Cutie as well and developed a very meaningful relationship with her. Eventually they started dating in secret. All in all a really good guy.
Blondi… One of Evil-Exes lackeys friends that also had a crush on Cutie.
…and of course, Myself.
This particular story starts around Thanksgiving 2008. Evil-Ex and I were ‘solidly’ in a relationship and living together. Evil-Ex was trying to pass Cutie off onto Blondi. He and a lot of his little minions treated women like objects; something to be passed around and handed off when they were done with them. Cutie was trying valiantly to be friends with our group despite all she had been through. Unbeknownst to Evil-Ex, her and Doc were getting pretty close and she was interested in him. Evil-Ex was done with her. Evil-Ex decided that Blondi should have a shot with her so Blondi felt entitled to her. She wasn’t interested in sleeping with Blondi. Taking a true page from Evil-Exes playbook, he felt like he deserved this and not getting it, wanted revenge. Evil-Ex, being the ingratiating friend that he was, offered to do this. What was the revenge? Blondi wanted a picture of her crying for his birthday. Evil-Ex was more than happy to do this. He started talking to Cutie more and more; hanging out with her when I was out of own visiting family or with my own friends. He always waited until the next day or so to let it drop, trying to make me jealous. He actually told me what his intentions were, about his little game. I was sickened and nearly told her. He got to her first though and managed to play us against each other for a while. He told her a slew of lies about me to make her hate me. He told me she hated me for bullshit he had made up and let me believe she was trying to get back with him so I would be jealous and not want to help her.
This built up slowly for two months before The Party.
About a week before The Party (@Blondi’s house) Doc called me and told me that he was bringing Cutie, but not to tell Evil-Ex. I don’t remember if he knew what Evil-Ex was up to, but he didn’t want to give him the chance to prepare something to hurt her. I asked him if she hated me and he assured me that she didn’t. We decided it would be best to clear the air altogether.   
The night of the party rolls around. It was a dark, snowy night. We got all dressed up and fancy. About an hour after we arrived and started drinking Doc and Cutie show up. The look on Evil-Exes face could have melted glass. His anger was barely contained, but bubbling just below the surface I saw some anxiety when he glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. He’d been feeding me a steady stream of lies and smear trying to keep me from ever speaking to her again. He was paranoid that we’d confer and really be able to dig up the dirt on how truly terrible the deeds he pulled were. He was reasonably sure I believed him, but I’ve never been very predictable. This time was no exception.
As soon as he left the room, before he had time to think of anything further, I walked over to Cutie, asked her if I could talk to her for a few minutes and pulled her down into the den away from the party. I completely threw caution to the wind. “Look, I don’t know what you’ve been told, or what’s going on here, but I don’t hate you, I don’t even dislike you, I just don’t know you that well so I don’t know what to believe and what not to believe. I wanted to talk to you and get your side of the story. This is what he’s been saying to me…”  and told her what Evil-Ex was conveying to me about her.
We quickly got to the heart of his lies and uncovered the truth of what was really going on. I let her in on his game for Blondi as well, thoroughly ruining his ability to cause her more misery. Instantly we were allies.
As soon as Evil-Ex noticed my absence, then hers, he started looking for us. He barged downstairs, plunged between us, and dragged me back upstairs. Anytime we stood too close, sat too close chatting in a circle, he would wedge himself between us so we couldn’t ‘conspire’. There wasn’t any plan to do anything except figure out the truth. But that was enough. He was harsh, made jabbing comments, demeaning and cruel with almost everything he said to me. We drank more. And more.
By 1 o’clock I was well and thoroughly smashed. He made yet another verbal attack and that was as much as I could handle at the moment. Another of our friends took me into the living room where I sat crying onto his shoulder. He was being awful to me, to her, hell! To everyone! They just couldn’t see it. I didn’t deserve to be treated like this. At some point Evil-Ex came up behind us and sat down on the couch. As soon as our friend noticed he got up and left me to talk to him. I sat down next to him. He accused me of betraying him. I told him I just wanted the truth and I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was treating me.
<Blur>
I don’t remember how he got me on the floor. That part of my memory is a black void. But there I was, flat on my back, lying on the ground with him on top of me. His hands wrapped around my throat, smashing my head into the ground. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. The room was spinning maddeningly from lack of oxygen and about two dozen too many shots of vodka. But my hands were free and my instincts from 15 years of martial arts took over. I was able to get him off of me. We collapsed lying there.
“I told you I can snap. See what happens when you push me?” This was all my fault? Apparently. Shame. Shame is what I feel now thinking back on this because all I wanted at the time was to make everything better. I wanted to fix it. He said he was going downstairs to sleep this off. I wanted nothing more than to curl up with him, have him wrap his arms around me and tell me we could figure this out. He refused and I didn’t push it. That was the first night my future Boring-Ex and I really hung out. He kept me company afterwards so I wouldn’t be alone. Treated me like a human being.
The next day we went out to breakfast with everyone who spent the night, pretended everything was ok. I actually thought it might be. When we got home we sat down to talk. Evil-Ex decided it was time for us to ‘take a break’. I agreed, reluctantly.
This was the beginning of the end for us. And possibly a blessing in disguise. We agreed not to hang out, not to even speak to one another for a while. I stayed away from our house as much as possible. Every night I went out with friends I hadn’t seen, or hadn’t had the freedom to see whenever I wanted. It took me about a week to realize what I had. Freedom. Every night I was going out with people that wanted me around. I was seeing people that treated me well. I was starting to laugh again. Enjoy my life again. Three weeks later he broke down, wanting me back…. But that’s a story for a different day.
Through all of this, I don’t feel like a victim. He tried to victimize me, but at no point did I completely roll over and allow it. It may have taken me a while but I always managed to fight back and look for the truth in what was happening. Ultimately, despite how horrible of an experience this was, I learned from it. That knowledge has made me a stronger person.  

Hectic

Hi Everyone! I know my posting has been a little erratic and today will be no different. Sorry! Work has been a non-stop barrage of busy and high stress. I have a major presentation all morning but I’ll try and get a post up this afternoon. I have a lot of things to talk about coming up!

I promise I’m not falling off the planet. Trying my best not to anyways. Sometimes those pesky life things take over and *gasp* I have to be a responsible adult. Good to know I can still pull myself enough together to take care of the important things.

Wish me luck and I’ll have another post for you soon =)

By Haven Posted in Life

We all fall down

Everything just feels wrong and worse. I had to get out of the apartment after I talked to Roommate. When I finally came back all I could do was curl up in bed and try not to cry. Even in sleep I found no peace or solace. In my dreams:
I was at my grandfather’s house, long dead. Someone was after me and my sister. Unlucky for him we overpowered them and with knives the size of small nail files cut off their heads and put them in a sack. We moved the bodies in the back of ‘our’ white SUV. We needed to be somewhere and along the way I planned to find a river to dump the bodies and heads into. My sister almost got into the wrong truck but then I remembered I had to make sure everything was in order in the house. In his kitchen there was always ice cream and snacks and things a small child loves. My grandfather had died previously but his house still had all these things in it. Someone kept rearranging the kitchen though. The fridge would move by the pantry, the shelves would be put in front of the fridge and no one would keep things where they belonged. And then there were the spiders. We had at least a dozen huge brilliantly colored spiders in a tank that I needed to watch but somehow they escaped. I couldn’t leave until I’d caught them all. Only one was poisonous and I was very familiar with them but still when one dropped from the ceiling to crawl over my hand I shook it off, managing to catch it with a small plastic box.  I caught them all except for the dangerous black and red one. I looked under the eve by the front door and saw a nest of common household spider sack and she crawled out from under it.  I finally caught her under a rat and put them both in the tank, but the rat knew how to escape and, being a rat, didn’t think to close the cage so the spider would not get out. By now the sky was lightening and I knew I had to leave if I was going to get rid of the bodies under cover of darkness but everything was in disarray.
I feel like I’m floating this morning. I should have taken the day off work but I have so much to do I can’t afford to take the time. Maybe the distraction will help, but I can’t wrap my mind around what I’m going to do. She said 3-6 months so I have some time but no time seems like enough. My limbs feel heavy and my head is full of clouds as I sit here watching these words appear on my screen in front of me. Is this even me? Everything feels unnatural like someone with my thoughts has inhabited my body and is controlling my fingers remotely. This I recognize as my dissociation and I’m almost grateful. If I’m not a part of my body these things can’t be happening to me. I should be happy for her that she is in a place to be independent and moving on from the sadness that she has lived through, but I can’t force myself to smile. I’ve come to rely on her presence, the steady calm that she represents. No matter what was going on I knew I’d have my apartment and my friend and things would be quiet inside. No more. All I can think about are all the opportunities I missed for being a better friend, one more fun and inclusive. My body image is so bad that I’ve declined to do things that I know she’d find fun. If only I could be happier, smile more, maybe she wouldn’t want to leave. Somewhere inside I know this isn’t true. She said she isn’t going for anything I’ve done but because she needs her life to move forward along her own path. It’s my own path that I fear for. I don’t know where it will be going now. It will diverge again and the end is an unknown. Who will have me now? How am I supposed to act knowing that she’s going to leave me too? I should be strong and put on a stoic face so she doesn’t feel bad for how upset I am. I shouldn’t let her know that all I want to do is scream that things keep changing and all I want is one thing to stay the same. That’s selfish and I should think of her. This is what I get for investing in people. Even when I try to save a part of myself it turns around and bites me. I held back and now she wants to leave. I thought I’d held back but really I need her more than I knew. I didn’t want to let her too close because she’d see all the bad in me but I guess it comes through anyways. I thought if I held back it wouldn’t hurt so much when she eventually decided to leave. Maybe it hurts less than it would have. In the end I had no real choice. No matter what I do, it still hurts. She was closer to me than almost anyone. I let myself believe. Now I see but not until I was blindsided. I feel like my heart is beating too slow to sustain me. What am I supposed to do?
I’m just one broken hearted girl. The world keeps on going. We all fall down.