Up next we have: Active passivity vs. Apparent Competence
Active passivity – this is defined as: the tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer.
No. Not even a little. When confronted with a problem I confront it right back. I don’t run away from anything. I’m not afraid of people’s reactions in the way that is typical of BPD. I’m hate the thought of negative outcomes but I also believe that as long as a problem can be worked on, talked through, and people are willing to communicate it is possible to get through a problem and not have a devastating outcome. I suspect my Dissociative Disorder acts up in this arena as well. When faced with conflict my emotions turn off completely and I argue with pure logic. I can talk about emotions but not feel them. Then if it becomes inevitable that a situation can not be resolved I go numb to the negative emotions that should come of it. This doesn’t always work. However, I don’t need a white knight, I’ll save myself, thanks.
My personality tends to be too dominant, independent to rely on other people. I can see where some passivity comes into my life, and I guess if I’m really honest, I do hope for someone to come along, see me, and accept me for all that I am. Save me from a lifetime of loneliness. But I’m also not willing to latch onto every shmuck that falls my way. I have standards after all.
Apparent competence – appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart. Sure. Because I actually am extremely competent. I worked my ass off to be intellectually, logically, mentally competent in some of the hardest fields I could have chosen to pursue. Not to mention some very useful creative fields. I read constantly and I know A LOT about a great many things. That doesn’t mean that internally things aren’t still falling apart for me though.
After a lifetime of rollercoaster emotions I’m disgusted by my own lack of control in this arena. I’ve worked hard to control my emotions. I learned to mask my inner turmoil, not display it, so I always appear calm and rational. In my defense, I am rational. But sometimes it’s too hard to get past the overwhelming emotional upheaval to think straight. I often have the impulse to lash out and say things that reflect how I feel, but I’m sick of being ruled by my emotions, so I hold in my reactions. It doesn’t stop me from experiencing them, but it stops the expression of them. I try very hard not to unleash my emotions publically because the repercussions would only act to alienate me from the people around me. When this happens, I try not to be around other people. I hate anyone seeing me like this. I’d rather them continue to believe the calm, friendly façade. However, underneath the surface little by little it builds up until I can’t control it and I have to either physically vent my emotional frustration or have a self inflicted melt down, alone.
I’m learning how to deal with this though. Through therapy and my journaling I am learning to recognize the emotions that are not … for a given instance. Once you can recognize that a situation is not beyond your capacity to handle, can take a step back and analyze why a feeling is so intense it becomes easier to understand it and thus, manage it and learn to respond more appropriately in the future. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but it does work. So maybe this field isn’t quite a ‘yes’ for me either because I actually am learning to competently deal with my emotions.
As a side note: I HATE considering myself an emotional person. Anyone that meets me and gets to know me a little would tell you I am one of the most rational women you’ve ever met. Not emotional at all. Just like one of the guys. Crude, funny, outgoing and witty. These certainly are parts of my personality, but they’re parts I put into focus in order to mask everything else beneath the surface.