Bordering on crazy at the Con

Sith Twi’lek

This past weekend was my Sci-Fi Convention. I’m a complete and utter geek. This has been established. I am unabashedly geeky.  Saturday was kind of ridiculous. Got to the Con around 10am. Friend and I were doing our Star Wars thing. Dark Lord/Lady of the Sith. He is my Master, I’m his apprentice. Think of it like Darth Sidious and Darth Vader. Sidious is the Master. Vader is the apprentice. Anyways, we have our own personas, not some pre-fabricated existing Star Wars characters. I have no awkwardness about Friend anymore. Well, mostly. I still can’t watch him being cute with the wife. It’s just uncomfortable. But she wasn’t around for our day/night so it wasn’t a problem. My costume came out really, really well. This was supported by the fact that I could not go 5 feet without someone stopping me, or me and Friend, to take pictures. I was approached by at least 5 professional photographers, one of which wanted to do a photo shoot with me in the future. Neat. This was amusing, until it wasn’t. I just wanted to check stuff out and maybe buy some things (which I didn’t b/c the dealers floor sucked this year). Ran into a creepy club guy I knew, I wanted to smack him. Ran into a guy that I can only tolerate for about 5 minutes, but he KEPT talking, wanted to throttle him. By the time late evening rolled around I was starting to panic with the shear amount of people that wouldn’t leave me be. Friend and I hid in an auditorium during panel just to escape the hoard. After this I took off, could no longer deal with the crush of the crowd. Too much fluxuation is exhausting. I even managed to Control my dysmorphia. This I feel, is one of my biggest accomplishments this weekend. All in all though, a very successful experience.
The next day I mellowed out the costuming to something pretty and cute. Did a 50’s style rockabilly swing dress with thigh highs with a back seam. Admittedly I did this to tease Friend. It’s a fetish of his and I intentionally hit his buttons to amusing effect. Especially since he knew I had probably gotten these for him when we were actually messing around. Which I did. Watching him squirm, not be able to touch gave me a little spike of pleasure every time I caught him looking. I’m mean, maybe a little manipulative. Idk. Call it what you will. We actually had a really nice day lounging about and talking with people we knew.
Until the karmic retribution kicked in. I was sitting around the lobby with all my closer friends. By the end of the Con and break down was starting who do I see? Boring-ex. This in itself wasn’t bad. He’s completely forgettable and uninteresting to me. I ignored him. What made me a little mad was, the only reason he would have volunteered to work the Con would be to poke at me. This was the first year I hadn’t volunteered for the Con (I always volunteer because I am friends with everyone that runs it). He never even went, vehemently disliking it, until I dragged him to it last year where he still didn’t have a good time and actively complained about the volunteer director. He was working where I always did. It was obviously to bother me b/c. I fought the urge to lash out and tell him how dick he was. I was more pissed at the lady that let him volunteer, because she knew he was my ex. The stupid thing was, I didn’t really care. I just wanted to flip out. He was being a dick, intentionally poking at me, trying to bother me, which it really didn’t and I still wanted to smash his head into the ground. But hey, maybe he’s had a change of heart and loves the Con and isn’t a wacky boring stalker? What did bother me… was seeing Evil-Ex. I knew he’d probably be here, but miraculously hadn’t seen him. It was only about an hour before I was going to leave so I’d completely relaxed figuring it was safe. Nope. I haven’t seen him in over a year. Not since I moved out of our house. I don’t think it was the seeing him, so much as I was taken completely by surprise and not prepared for it. My stomach jumped into my throat and I needed to get out. (Friend) Good, relaxed, almost happy even (I’m honestly not sure I know what this feels like), (B-ex) annoyed, wrath, amusement, indifference, (E-ex) panic, nauseous, panic, anger, (myself) revulsion, anger at myself for letting him get to me, depressed… all in the span of about 15 minutes. Not together mind  you. I don’t do emotions simultaneously. I cycle, rapidly. One to another. I left, grabbed my wine, and went to Friends to not be alone. Curled up on his couch, depressed, binged at dinner, vomited immediately after, curled back up with my drink until it was time to go home and go to bed. It’s so hopeless sometimes.
What amused me was I had dreams with Boring-ex in them last night: We were at some house together. He was doing work. I was ignoring him. We kept our distance. He kept inching closer though. Doing that thing where you want to make someone aware of your presence to inspire a reaction, but not interact. I noted him there, but went about whatever. Finally I was sitting on the couch drawing and he sat right next to me. Crossed his leg which made him hit my drawing pad. I lost my shit. Screaming, completely enraged. Wrath personified: Which is exactly what I wanted to do earlier that day and repressed the urge. My subConscious said no, you needed to do this. Not just needed to. FUCKING needed to. That’s what I get for repressing my urges. They come out anyways and disrupt me when I’m resting.
Along these lines, I’m actually getting sick of my medication. I know it’s supposed to help me Control myself. In general I haven’t been having such extreme mood swings. Not that I haven’t still been cycling, and exceptionally angry, but not so explosive.  The alcohol and the bulimic crap don’t speak well for my impulsiveness though. I can’t seem to get ahold on those. Meh. I just can’t tell how much the meds help me. When I’m fine, I’m fine and maybe it’s the meds. But when I’m not, I still do the stuff I’m supposed to be fixing. I know there’s no quick fix for this. It’s going to take a long time. A lot of work. It’s hard to see so far down the road when I’m so stuck in the right now.
Edit: Just found out I’m in one of the local papers for my Sith costume! Neat. I am really proud of how it came out. Especially since I made 90% of it by hand.

Rage against Very Good Advice

I’ve been ridiculous angry lately. No idea why. Seething. In general.

I’m mad at my therapist.
I’m mad at my sewing.
I’m mad at my chieftain.
I’m mad at Friend.
I’m mad at everyone that bothers me for any reason whatsoever.
I’m even made at my lovey cat. Especially at Roommates cat.  
I’m mad at Time itself. I need more of it to get all the things done that I want to do! I’m devising a system to kick the Earth’s orbit back a bit to lengthen the amount of time in a day. You’ve been warned.
I just don’t understand why people have to be so flipping annoying? Why do people need to jump on the band wagon every time someone else has a good idea? Can’t I have something that is just mine? Does everyone have to try and weasel their way into my little world and steal what small comforts I create? They don’t even know they’re doing it. I could tell them, but it would be telling them with my Sith aggressions invoked and likely someone would lose a face. If I open my mouth to these people, I will lose my shit. I will completely alienate myself. Then I’ll freak out and have to apologize. I won’t actually feel apologetic, I’m completely justified and I plain just don’t care, but I know it will be the’ right’ thing to do. I’m trying to be mindful of how I act, but I WANT to rage, I WANT to lash out, break everything around me, and the relationships I’ve built. I don’t feel bad at all, I don’t give a shit what these people think. I want what I want because I’ve freaking put in the work and now they just want to piggyback on the things I’ve put so much time into? Fuck that, and fuck them.
I’m sick of sharing everything. I just want something that’s mine. Is that too much to ask?
But look! It’s progress right? I’ve learned a lesson here. I am actually trying to apply my own lessons to my life. It would be so easy for me to let go, give in, and act out. I KNOW I would feel so much better… for about 10 minutes. Having people in my life is so difficult sometimes. I have to cater to so many different feelings that aren’t mine. How am I supposed to be mindful of everyone else when I can barely be mindful of my own?  It would be so much easier to not have anyone. Until the crushing loneliness sets in.  
I’m stressed out with a to-do list a mile long. I need to have all of this done by Friday because I need to implement Saturday. Sci-Fi convention! I’m trying to be excited about this, but I’m too stressed out. My costume is near complete. I’ve put a ton of work into it and with a little more maintained discipline I’ll be hot. (Btw, I had to explain to my therapist what it meant to ‘look hot’, seriously?) This may be in part from my severely restricted lack of caloric intake, but it hasn’t been bothering me until the last few days.
I doubt it. I’m always angry. Usually I’m better at hiding it.
Every minute of last weekend/this week/upcoming weekend is scheduled away. Every. Single. Minute. I make spreadsheets to organize my bleeding time just so I have some structure and I’m not running around with my brain dribbling out of my ears.  But hey, at least I won’t be bored.

Very Good Advice
I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
That explains the trouble that I’m always in

Be patient, is very good advice
But the waiting makes me curious
And I’d love the change
Should something strange begin

Well I went along my merry way
And I never stopped to reason
I should have known there’d be a price to pay

I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?

BTW: Costumes for this weekend:
1.             Dark Lady of the Sith: species Twi’lek
2.             50’s red/black rockabilly pin up.
Should be amazing. Also, plans for our next gen light sabers. I’m such a geek.

*Real post sometime soon. I can’t focus right now.

Borderline Geekery…

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” ~Jedi Master Yoda

What bullshit. This is why I’m Sith. I wrap myself in the thing I fear to lose, the intensity pulsing through everything I am, and fight to hold on with a death grip.

Peace is a lie. There is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.

                                             – The Sith Code

**Oh yeah, I’m a Star Wars geek. Don’t judge.**