Memoirs on a Sunday: Weekend Randomness

Let’s throw a little of my life out there. I may make this a weekend series on Sundays. 


I do this blog as a chance to give some insight into the life of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder however I feel like if I ONLY focus on the multitudes of  BPD characteristics I’m losing a little bit of the human aspect that I want to convey. So, just to sort of give an idea of what else goes on in my life that’s not solely centered around BPD, I think I’ll do some random weekend postings. Hopefully a different side of me, or at least a more well rounded view of me, highlighting other areas of interest. While my borderline issues are clearly problematic, I’m not running around like a giant ball of static and charge 24/7. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll give some insight into the little daily effects BPD has on me, how other aspects are seemingly unaffected, and how little patterns emerge, converge, and dissipate in time. We’ll see how it goes.


I’ve decided to do a cleanse again starting Monday. Salt flush in the mornings with only ‘liquid’ foods for 10 days. Liquid = juice, water, yogurt, soup, etc. Nothing solid. I have 5 more pounds to lose and I can’t shock my system into budging. This’ll do it.  I feel like I’m falling to bad eating habits again too what with eating out a little more than usual I want to make sure I watch myself. I’ve also been feeling bogged down with everything and the cleanse is good for the body. First couple days I’m a little irritable and headachey. Must make sure to hydrate. 


With the season change and the mornings being lighter earlier my insomnia has been worse and I haven’t been getting any sleep. At least I hope it’s the season change. The only other option is that it’s my medication and I actually like my Abilify so far. I want this to work out. I have however decided to stop fighting the no sleep and be productive. Or at least creative. I started painting 2-3 weeks back. So when I can’t sleep I do this

Ganesha
and this: 
Red Sky Dawns
Picasso I am not. But I don’t think it’s half bad for never having painted before in my life. I absolutely love it too.
Saturday was a really productive day. Again, I woke up with the sun but I overhauled our apartment to make our 2nd bathroom function. Roommate has been using the shower as a 5th storage closet for all her stuff but with me dating again and her bf, we really sort of need the 2nd shower. There’s been too many days when I’m irritated that I can’t take a shower and start to worry about the time crunch. I was so exhausted but I got it done, then headed to the gym. I started a new painting, went to the grocery 3 times and prepped to make dinner for LadyFriend. I don’t think I’ve made a cute romantic dinner for two since I moved in here. My first time making dinner for her =) I made a Lightly Curried Peanut Bisque, Israeli Couscous with dried apricots, cranberries and pistachios, and Portobello Bruschetta with Rosemary Aioli. I do so love to cook. Especially since I make so many things at one time, my mind is so utterly occupied there’s no room for thoughts of other things. The food came out beautifully. So delicious and I had a really nice time with her.

Friday night I went to Friend’s for movie night. I didn’t actually pay much attention to the movies though. Quirky spoofy horror movies. If you like them, check out Rockula. It’s a stitch. I spent the majority of the night crafting. I was figuring out how to make tribal hair falls. I so love being crafty.
They’re actually pretty easy to make. I can’t believe how much these things sell for where I vacation. I tried to pay attention to the conversation but I was feeling more than a little irritable and hypersensitive. A buddy of mine was sitting next to me, and Friend was on the other couch. They were both trying to talk at the same time and I felt like my mind was going to dig a hole in itself and retreat. My brain vibrating into a smaller and smaller place. I could hear sounds but it was so much static I couldn’t make out what either of them were saying, it was just too much voice at one time. Too much volleying. The only thing I could do was tune them out sometimes or my head would start to hurt. 
So mostly I crafted and later ended up dozing off on Friend during the last movie. I wasn’t feeling particularly social. And even when I stopped crafting I couldn’t get into the groove of conversation. I felt a little out of place. Like everyone else was so much more animated and sociable and I was off on my own little couch cushion island.
We had wine and chatted through dinner. Our conversation doesn’t flow particularly well and it seems like there’s a little something missing. Idk. I’m not incredibly attached to her yet, but it’s still early in our relationship. I generally fight attachments for a while, maintain something of an open yet distant stance. I really like her, but getting too close to people is when things go wrong, but then again I do want to give this and myself a chance. Our chemistry is pretty apparent otherwise though, haha ::wink::.
Upsettingly after she left something in my brain made me binge and that lead to the inevitable. I don’t even understand why. It was so late and I was so exhausted and I still managed to take the time to do that.
Sunday I was supposed to go to an event in the Bronx but due to inclement weather, that didn’t happen. I’d attempted the gym but only got like 4 hours of sleep so my body just wasn’t in it. I’m starting to accumulate a lot of workout guilt because I’ve been too exhausted to expend the energy. I worry about every little thing I put in my body because I haven’t been able to exercise properly.  Instead I spent the day with Friend doing crafty stuff. We’re working on our light sabers.  Yes, light sabers. Fully electronic/LED functioning light sabers. I’m stoked to be working more on my Star Wars costume. I have a bunch of little changes I’m making to it. I’m going to redo my Twi’lek lekku to make the headband connection match the rest of my outfit. Since my persona is Sith alchemist/sorcerer I’m incorporating a more Tribal feel to the costume as well. Hence the tribal falls I’m working on.  I also started a new painting. I’m borderline obsessing about this new hobby. I wake up with the sun and my mind starts whirring about color blends and brush strokes; the project that I’m working on. As far as ruminations go, at least this one is a healthy outlet. And so much fun.
It’s seriously a good thing that I do manage some impulse control because there are days when calling in to work in order to stay home and paint are really high!
It was a long day of crafting, food, and gathering supplies for future projects. Starting to wear down. Too much stimulus I just can’t keep up the energy some days. Especially when I’m not sleeping. I feel like I’m floating off in my own head. The silence is deafening right now. No one’s home and it’s too quiet. Tomorrow’s another day, happily.