So tired of being so crazy…

Let me tell you how fucking sick I am of being so fucking crazy.

Therapy yesterday. I very rarely cry. Had no inclination to before I went in. Mostly I was numb, depressed and sort of pissed off. First off, my therapist went on and on about how her stuff is not stuff I should ever have to worry about and intersubjective fields and how she hopes this is a safe space for me… I can’t even focus, my mind slips away and it’s like  hearing her talk through a vacuum. I’m annoyed and I don’t care. This happens a lot when she talks too long. I slip away and float somewhere else. Then next minute she’s asking me about stuff we’d talked about in a previous session about punitive parent aspects and children ids or something and I’m breaking down about how I’m harder on myself than anyone else in my life right now. How I want things that I can’t have. I don’t understand why I can’t have the things that I want. Why I get my hopes up to want them in the first place. Why I let people into my life that seem to offer these things only to let them go, let me go. I want my best friend to man up and just say he fucking wants to be with me. I’ve been fighting with myself about how close I should stay with him. I know he can’t be the kind of friend I want or need right now but I just want him to be it anyways. I want him to want to do things that I need but he won’t. I know he won’t so I have to stop wanting this but I can’t stop myself from obsessing over it.  I’ve been slowly pulling back over the last week. Not being so available, not talking to him so much. Some days I just can’t stand the thought of ever speaking to him again. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want anything to do with him. I vow that I’m not going to IM or text with him at all. Just the thought of talking to him makes me anxious. And angry. I create arguments in my mind that I’ve never had with him and work myself into a frenzy. By early evening I’m anxious that I’m not talking to him. It takes all my will power to ignore his texts and I feel like shit because I just want to talk to my friend. So I do, except there’s no relief. I don’t feel better. I don’t feel worse. I feel nothing. Which does make me feel worse. It doesn’t help that he knows me well enough that he actually understands what the hell my problem is, which makes it impossible to feel misunderstood. So after avoiding him all day, mentally fighting with myself I finally respond to him:  

Me: Rough therapy session

Friend: Ouch really?

Me: Yeah =( Stuff I need to do to protect myself that are healthy vs. what I do instinctively (dissociate). How to resolve inner conflict which I have no clue how to do.

Me: Hard time letting go of things that are destructive for me. Dealing with them in a way that doesn’t hurt me more. It makes me feel very alone.

Friend: Letting go is an intensely hard lesson. That leap of faith, throwing yourself into the unknown with none of you long held anchors.

Me: My problem is that when I’ve taken those leaps, it’s put me more in harms way. Intentionally or not I continuously make choices that damage me and I don’t know how to break that cycle and build myself up instead of letting things tear me apart.

Friend: Therapist didn’t help you with strategies?

Me: Still working through the roots of this before I can fix it. Why things affect me so adversely. How I get there in the first place. Why it happens. Why things draw me and why I can’t maintain my own protection. I want to have hope where I can’t expect it to be.

Friend: ::nods:: Beginnings are very dangerous scary times. Unknowns. Uncertainties. The fear of failing. Feels easier to be comforted by the familiar even if the familiar is harmful.

Friend: In an odd way it sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship with yourself.

Me: Abusive relationships since I was little. When everything tells you, you aren’t enough, never worth more, worth the chance… I let the wrong things in and don’t know how to let go of that. I need things that are positive for me but I need to protect myself too.

Friend: That’s what you need to let go of. The past bad. The abuse. The feelings of worthlessness. It’s The Leap. The falling, rips away the things that aren’t you. But it’s a terrifying leap.

Me: Everyone wants what they want. I put others before myself and feel selfish for wanting things for me. Told too many times it’s not ok to want the things I do. Every leap I’ve taken in the end I end up needing to protect myself more.

Friend: Things are ok to want. But wanting and getting aren’t always possible.

Friend: You don’t need to protect yourself in those cases. Just accept that desires don’t always lead to getting and move on.

Me: What I want is for things to stop hurting me but I don’t know they’ll hurt me in the first place until they do. It’s just how it works.  

Friend: As a Buddhist I can only say, well… Yes. Everyone wants that.

Friend: Have you considered that by protecting yourself so firmly you might be causing yourself more hurt?

Me: Think I should just open myself to whatever comes?

Friend: No. But you may have closed up so tightly you aren’t open to the infinite possibilities. So you wind up pinning your hopes so heavily on the few things you do let in. The hurt is then multiplied when they don’t fit.

{BINGO It’s so hard for me to let people in, that yes, I do put my hopes into them, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY LEAD ME TO BELIEVE THAT I CAN HAVE THESE THINGS. I fucking want, just once, to put my hopes in someone and not be let down, for the same person to want it too, but no}

Me: Yeah I’ve thought about that. Something I’m working to let go of.

Friend: Finding balance between opening up and protecting yourself.

Friend:::smiles:: Some day sit seems like the universe needs a swift kick in the junk doesn’t it.

Me: Which is what I’m working towards. This is draining. And yeah, the universe deserves a junk kick or two.

Friend: I work for it and some days I wanna just haul off and kick it square in the junk.

Me: Night

Friend: ::hugs:: Night dearest friend.

Some days I just want to strangle him. Especially considering he’s half the reason for my current crazy.  One, he’s a hypocrite considering the loveless horrible marriage he isn’t working to fix. Coward. Two, he pulled me into his world, things get very intense, very intimate, and when it’s no longer convenient because his wife is a nut job things have to abruptly change. Without warning. Which is exactly the wrong way to deal with me. And he wonders why I need to protect myself? Not that this is by far the first or fifth or tenth time I’ve learned this lesson. Granted this is probably the healthiest relationship I’ve had, ever. Which is ridiculous sad. But at least he didn’t just use me and throw me away, which I fully expected. He’s still my friend, still here. I feel like I’m still waiting for it to happen though and I need to pull away before he does it for me. I have no barriers. The way our physical relationship ended was handled very poorly on his part. But what do I expect, he’s a guy. Part of the reason his marriage has so many problems is because neither of them communicate well.  I’ve let go, I’ve thrown myself into things, I’ve let people inside my walls… and Every. Single. Time. It goes poorly for me. I have no barrier, nothing to break the fall or even ease the landing. It just fucking hurts. And it keeps hurting because I can’t put any space, or distance, or time, or duct tape between me and the things that make me feel bad. I try and it makes me anxious like I’ll lose my hold on my world, I reach for it and it still makes me feel like the surface I reach for is too slippery to latch onto. There’s no winning. I’ve already let him in, there’s no pushing him back out to a safer space for me. Not unless I push him out completely, at least then I wouldn’t have to deal with his awful wife anymore. Then I’d be even more alone than I am now, and where would that leave me? Nowhere.  I feel like I’m losing my blood mind! ARG! Women don’t drive me this crazy. Why I continue to let men into my life is beyond my fucking clue. 

I’m supposed to go over tonight for our usual movie night, and tomorrow for our monthly UFC pay-per-view. On the one hand I don’t want to see him, I don’t want him to touch me, I don’t want to have to pretend that I’m interested in what people have to say… I’m in a really bad fucking mood today and I’m sick of pretending that everything is ok when it’s not.

I woke up this morning pissed the hell off. Went to the gym, power walked/ran for 70 minutes which did lift my mood. Exercise usually does. Got home and the gf texts me. Ok, she’s not really my gf yet, we’re more like friends with benefits, but she wants to be my gf (even though she lives with her current one). I told her last night I had plans tonight, but I really wasn’t feeling up for people. She keeps harping on me that she’ll bring over sushi and saki and we’ll watch movies and give me a massage. Which sounds lovely on paper, except I’m in a really pissy mood and I don’t want to have to pretend that I’m grateful that she’s going out of her way to do these things for me. Especially since I know she doesn’t consider it going out of her way for me at all. She just wants to be around me…. Here goes the conversation:

{Last night}

GF: Please let me see you tomorrow…{No}… Sushi, saki, wine, back rub, movie and u don’t have to talk about anything I’ll just try n make u laugh…{No, not feeling up for people}…Well I’m not people I’m {insert name} and I don’t think, I know, I could make u feel better but I respect ur request to be alone even tho I don’t agree with it J… I just do get frustrated bc I wanna see u n make u feel good… I want to bring u real  hugs… I don’t think u realize how much u make me feel good too…Ur beautiful…What if I said I’m telling not asking? {Grrr, I’m not in a mind frame to do this now}… Never claimed to be smooth so I’ll be there at 7… I’ll just take your lack of response as unwilling compliance… {I don’t want to have to think about decisions right now}… Exactly that’s why I’m thinking for you {Hun, I’m in a really bad mood I don’t need company}… Judging by the ‘hun’ I’m guessing I’m not going to win this one…

Gee, ya think?

{So today}

GF: Not taking no for an answer it’s a perfect sushi n movie night day.

Me: No joke right now I don’t want to be around anyone. I’m in a seriously bad mood. I really appreciate how much u care though. (afterthought to not sound so harsh)

GF: Sometimes u should give people a chance to make u happy bc I know by the time I left u would be.

Me: I know, but I also don’t want to cause th epoeple I care for unhappiness.

GF: Impossible bc the people who care about u should understand ur moods and that’s their own risk to just b around u. Now is this one of the times I should fight for what I want?

Me: You’re wonderful. I really just can’t right now. I need to be alone and work through some stuff. Had a really rough therapy session yesterday.

GF: Here’s my towel.

{Insert me quipping about Hitchhiker’s Guide}

Me: Can we maybe do something Sunday….

GF: Baby I’ve been waiting all week to see u I can wait til Sunday but I won’t hold my breath u may kill me lol. ::sends me a song:: Listen to this plz.

Me: ::song actually makes me cry so I listen to it repeatedly:: Thank you. I’m a mess of a human being.

GF: To u you are, but to me ur just Haven and she’s beautiful.

Me: ::hearts::

GF: I’m not like anyone lady, I’m different. I understand more than u would think I may not agree with how u go about things but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be near you.

The more I have to tell her ‘no’ the worse I feel. I’m pissed off AND feeling guilty at the same friggin time.

Told Friend about the song she sent me (which I’ll post tomorrow), and he said it reminds him of me too. In fact, I believe he’s sent me the same song before because it reminded him of me. Grr. Mixed signals much? At least with her, she’s clear and I know what to bloody think about it.

So I’m declining letting her take care of me tonight so I can go torture myself at my friends house. I’ll probably be closed off, bury myself in my interwebs, ignore the inconsiderate words of the wife, pretend to laugh at other friends jokes and generally be miserable until everyone leaves and it’s just me and Friend watching a movie we’ve been waiting to see for months… while he gives me a back massage. All week I’ve been railing against the idea of even letting him touch me ever again, and he makes one offer and I’m like, sure, sounds good ::headdesk:: I’m not fit for society, and yet…. They’re both so fucking sweet to me it’s retarded!  And aggravating! I told her repeatedly last night that I didn’t want to do stuff but she keeps freaking asking and harping at me all afternoon which just pisses me off more because I have to be tactful and not tell her that she’s annoying the piss out of me. I know she just wants to be with me, but I just want to make myself miserable right now and making decisions is too hard. More and more annoyed. Then another girl I’ve been talking to messages me with this really sweet letter with long rambling run on sentences (don’t ask me why I think this is cute) and I’m all smiley as I send her a novel in reply.

Pissed off, okay, annoyed as fuck, smiles, tears, more aggravation, uncertainty. And my mood tracker just averages it all out and says I’m mildly depressed.

Even my cat is aggravating me!

And to top it off I can’t find a good strangulation silhouette for a post pic. Grr.