So let’s start with the easy stuff. Therapist asked about work. In a surprising twist of productivity, I’ve actually been pretty happy with my job lately. I’ve been incredibly productive. Getting organized and getting projects done has come together much easier. I haven’t had the constant mental distractions of extraneous people crap that makes it difficult for me to focus. I’ve been feeling more like a part of the team, even socializing with the guys on my own without having to be dragged along. I brought in a loaf of apple bread and I made my homemade Chocolate-Chocolate Swirl Fudge especially for them. They were ultra appreciative which made me feel good. How they raved about the fudge was even bordering on that feeling of proud embarrassment because I’m just not used to such profuse praise.
I did my homework. Therapist was actually surprised that I did the whole thing. I read through all of it, but we primarily focused on Sadness and Anger. I had a hard time getting started. Admitting that I felt this way about some things. I was worried that she’d think less of me, that she’d be upset or not like me, or not want to work with me if I admitted how I felt about some things. That my answers would show that I’m weak and a bad person. I shared them anyways. I had written them down already. I just had to open my mouth.
Anger. My revenge fantasy. I thought she’d be disgusted with me, think I was a terrible person for thinking these things. I was totally not prepared for what she did. She laughed. She said it was great. She said what I thought was completely ok and I’m allowed to feel that way. That I’m envisioning myself moved on, to something better that could be mine, is healthy. I felt my shell melt a little after that. It was easier for me to keep going.
My sadness is understandable but not entirely consistent. I wonder if it was real. If I made it all up. Therapist doesn’t think this is true at all. What I described when things were closer between Friend and I was very real. We had a very physically and emotionally intimate relationship. I’m distanced from my own feelings. She doesn’t want to diagnose him because she doesn’t know him, but she says it sounds like he’s dealing with his own inability to understand and express what he really wanted. Or wants. He has his own dissociative problems reconciling his feelings. The last night we were together, I remember feeling so wanted and so loved. It was such an intensely passionate evening. As I was turning to walk out the door he reached out, pulled me back to him and kissed me fiercely. And then it was done. No warning.
As a reaction to people from my past that have taken or tried to take aggressive or abusive control of me, I’ve developed this mechanism of pushing back. Of holding back.
I finally told Therapist that I’m afraid to talk about some of the things I feel because I’m afraid she’ll be disappointed with me, or shocked, and won’t want to deal with me anymore. I hold back, not because of anything she’s done or her own issues, but because it’s what I fear from anyone I’m close to: if I show too much, feel too much, share too much, people won’t want to deal with me, will be disgusted, will reject me. I don’t want her to tell me to leave or that she doesn’t want to work with me anymore. It came out as a rush. Like I had to say it quick before my brain kicked in and told me to shut up.
So Therapist understands why I hold back and act the way that I do. She also lets me know that it’s ok to feel the things I’m feeling. Especially in therapy. My feelings are valid. Then she said something constructive. She’s not here to be my friend. She likes me, she thinks I’m a joy to work with, but I’m not here to impress her or work for her approval. I’m here to work through my problems to heal. In order to do that, I need to be able to express the things I think and feel without worrying that she’s going to judge me. Her job isn’t to judge, it’s to listen, and to help.
I don’t want to be alone. But would I really be? I have two guy friends that have been poking me to hang out a lot lately. GF has been texting me and telling me she misses me and wants to see me. The girl from the tattoo shop that I was dating for a while has been texting me and e-mailed me last night to come hangout. There’s this really cute tech that I work with, he just gave me his phone number (**squee** and holy crap!). And let’s not forget Roommate. She wants to do more things too. So what’s holding me back? I am, that’s what. I’m holding on to something that isn’t there. But, why? Do I think something will change? Do I think it’s really worth it? I don’t even know anymore. All I know is I can’t imagine things being different.
But maybe they should be. Therapist suggested that maybe I should consider having less to do with him. See him less. Not hang out so much. I don’t need to cut him out of my life completely, but it might be time for him to have less of a place in my life. ::sigh:: I’m not blind. I’ve had this thought approximately a million times. I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know if I can or if I even want to.
I just want these residual feelings to go away. I want to be capable of being friends without all this emotional bullshit. I hate emotions. They’re so messy. Hates it.
Homework: And I wonder… what it would be like if he left. Therapist wants me to think about this more and journal my thoughts and feelings. Think about what would happen. What it means to me.
I can’t right now. I’m not ready to make this kind of decision. I’m not. It makes me want to panic. I can’t think about this anymore right now.
Total random. A buddy of mine just said to me: I think you should be a fitness model. You are sort of kinda hot, yanno, if you’re into physically fit star wars nerd chicks.