Yesterday was a nice day in therapy. It’s the little things that make me realize someone knows me. I walked in to therapy and as soon as I sat down Therapist was like “Something happened, did you meet someone?”
I think I actually blushed. I told her about hanging out with Tech Boy. I told her why I think it’s a bad idea, but even as I say the reasons it’s a bad idea I feel myself not caring at all. I kind of don’t care if it’s a really bad f-ing idea. I can say no, no, no I won’t do it all I want. I know perfectly well that I’m incapable of saying no because it might be wiser to do so. In fact, the worse of an idea it is, the more appeal it kind of has to me. How messed up is that?
Therapist doesn’t think it’s a bad idea though. In fact she thinks it’s progress in a healthy direction. I’m taking safe risks. As long as I take it slow and take care not to divulge too much about myself too soon, it should be just fine. Not really an issue. I’m fantastic when it comes to keeping secrets, hiding things about myself, and only letting people see what I want them to see (at least until I get seriously wrapped up in someone, then it all goes to hell, but we’re not there yet). She was actually more concerned with the potential to overshare information with my co-workers in general. I have something of an alternative lifestyle. A lot of people are not open minded enough to accept the kind of person I am. But seriously, I’m not going to go around shoving my homosexual preferences or my desire to take up stripping again into the faces of people I appreciate having respect from. Some things just aren’t peoples business and a professional environment is a professional environment.
She asked me how Friend felt when I mentioned hanging out with Tech Boy on Saturday. He hasn’t really said anything. In fact, whenever I bring it up our conversations kind of die, or he gives words of discouragement hinting that it would be a bad Idea for me to do this. And my subtle I mean sending me things like this:
Anyways, Therapist thinks that coupled with him being increasingly affectionate with the wife directly in front of me is him being pretty passive-aggressive and trying to make me jealous. And frankly, a jerk. I gotta say, I don’t disagree. It’s seriously making me reconsider spending as much time there as I do. And actually not doing it, not just thinking about not doing it.
We probably spent 50 minutes talking about the social choices I’m making and my submersion in my work. She flat out said she was reluctant to talk about serious things because she didn’t want to bring me down. It was nice to see me smiling for a change. Finally though we did get around to talking about homework.
My homework from last week was to expound further on the sentence: I wonder what I would do if he left.
My response: I wouldn’t know what to do. Almost every morning he’s the first person I talk to. I think I’d stare at my IM list and want to tell him things but then knowing I couldn’t, would be incredibly frustrating. I’d be lonely and feel empty, like something was missing from my life. Eventually I’d probably shut down towards him, if not right away. I’d throw myself into distractions just to not think about it. Anything to bury the lonely place I feel when we’re not chatting. I’d always wonder if he ever thought about me. If he missed me too. If he ever had any regrets about how things went or turned out. I’d wonder how much he could have really valued me if he was able to just walk away, or watch me walk away without putting up any kind of resistance. That would probably hurt the most. Realizing I didn’t mean that much to him at all if he was ok with our lives just drifting apart. I’d feel depressed and worthless. It shouldn’t be so easy to turn away from someone you had such a supposedly strong connection to.
As I was writing it out though I felt pretty mixed feelings. I think I’d feel hollow, but I’m not sure I’d be devastated. In fact, I was pretty f-ing angry at myself. Why should my self-worth be determined by how someone else does or does not treat me? My self-worth should be determined by how I think of myself. It pisses me off that he still has that kind of influence over my emotions.
Then I think, well, that’s how I feel at the moment. Tomorrow the thought could terrify me. But at that moment I was pretty riled up. Anger always makes me feel strong. I bottle and bottle my anger and don’t let people see it, but it’s a powerful emotion.
Right now though, I seem to be moving in a good direction. And in the first stages of my revenge! Ha-ha! As they say: the best revenge is a life well lived. Therapist thinks I’m moving forward in the best way possible. I’m not being manipulative, I’m not trying to make him feel guilty, I’m not trying to stir up problems in their tenuous marriage (which believe me, would be super easy for me to do). No, instead I’m putting myself out there, taking safe risks, and trying to move on. And actually feeling pretty decent about it. Take that.
Egads, I’ve even been enjoying work. It helps that I have a cute face to look forward to, but I’ve also been getting really involved in the projects I’m doing, getting a lot done, being very productive…. It feels good for me to accomplish things. Plus the atmosphere at work is really excellent. We have breaks twice a day where my colleagues and I basically have coffee and hang out. We plan lunchtime BBQs and we’re organizing a wine and cheese night for after work. I’ve never had this kind of socially inclusive work environment before. I’ve never had people at work I considered being social with. It’s a major change for me. A healthy change for me. There are days I really feel like an adult. A competent adult.
I’m making new connections and that’s a really big deal for me. I have major trust issues. I don’t trust people at all. Especially coming off of something like the emotional rollercoaster I went through with Friend, but I’ve also had a lot of trauma and abusive relationships.
She asked me if I thought Tech Boy was nice or would have issues with me having male friends. I don’t think he would, and frankly, I won’t deal with it again. When I was living with Evil-Ex he didn’t want me to have my own friends. When I moved here I didn’t know a lot of people. The only person I was close to was him. I met one guy at a party and we started having a regular TV night on Tuesdays. One night Evil-Ex stormed over, nearly kicked in his front door, screamed at me in a shaking rage and stormed off. I was desperate to find him after that. He went to the house of a girl’s that wanted to screw him. I got there before she got home though and we ended up going for a walk and talking. He threatened to move out, leave, and tried to convince me that this guy only wanted to take advantage of me. Which I knew wasn’t true, but I stopped hanging out with him anyways because I was in love with Evil-Ex and I would do anything to keep the peace and him from leaving. Then when I finally started making my own female friends, he accused me of fucking them behind his back because I dared to want to make my own friends separate from him. When I would go to hang out with them he would invite girls over that he knew, I knew, he was attracted to. Anytime I wanted to do anything without him it meant I was going behind his back. Anytime I showed independence and that I didn’t need to rely on him, I was humiliating him. Every time I tried to expand my life, I became more and more terrified that I would lose him. He had to come first or my world would dissolve.
Never again. That’s not the first time I’ve had boyfriends try to control who I’ve hung out with, but it’s definitely going to be the last. It’s not ok.
So I open up slowly. Epic-ly slow. But I’m still opening. Baby steps. Even slow progress is progress.
Homework: is still to finish writing a letter to friend (that I won’t send him) and release all of the things I wish I could say to him. I’ve been subconsciously avoiding this.
Total Random Aside: I have a black eye. I think it’s funny enough to mention. I gave it to myself. I woke up in the middle of the night, still in that super brain fogged half dream state and got out of bed to walk straight into my nightstand/TV. I managed to hit it hard enough that I totally smashed my face on the TV. I didn’t even realize I’d cut my eyelid and was bleeding until I got back into bed. I’m totally going to tell people I was orchestrating an epic space battle of good vs. evil.
Oh! and I totally woke up to this in my inbox this morning: Click here for the key to a geek girls heart.