Exhausted….

Posting this week may be a little off. Started the new job today. Full 8 hours of orientation.

I slept zero last night. None. I woke up everything 15-20 minutes to check my clock to make sure the alarm was set and that I hadn’t slept through it. Once I was up my brain started whirring about personal brain crazy and wouldn’t calm down enough to let me relax. When I did manage to doze off I had nightmares about getting up late, being late for work, and time suddenly becoming non-linear. Bloody f-ing subconscious. As if I’m not anxious enough when I’m awake, it has to overlap into my sleep. Gimme a break please.

I drank coffee today. That’s how exhausted I was. I hate coffee. Hate. It tastes like dirt and awful. Needed caffeine. I don’t care what anyone says. I’d rather do a triathlon than sit through videos and mindless droning all day. I’m not built to sit still like that.

So, in summation. I’ll try to resume more normal posting tomorrow evening. Good night everyone. 

Fuckin’ Perfect

As promised, here’s the song Friend and GF have thought to send me on separate occasions:

Pink – Fuckin’ Perfect 

::sigh:: Sometimes I think my friends must be as crazy as I am. What does this even mean? 

Maybe I’m just lucky. 

So tired of being so crazy…

Let me tell you how fucking sick I am of being so fucking crazy.

Therapy yesterday. I very rarely cry. Had no inclination to before I went in. Mostly I was numb, depressed and sort of pissed off. First off, my therapist went on and on about how her stuff is not stuff I should ever have to worry about and intersubjective fields and how she hopes this is a safe space for me… I can’t even focus, my mind slips away and it’s like  hearing her talk through a vacuum. I’m annoyed and I don’t care. This happens a lot when she talks too long. I slip away and float somewhere else. Then next minute she’s asking me about stuff we’d talked about in a previous session about punitive parent aspects and children ids or something and I’m breaking down about how I’m harder on myself than anyone else in my life right now. How I want things that I can’t have. I don’t understand why I can’t have the things that I want. Why I get my hopes up to want them in the first place. Why I let people into my life that seem to offer these things only to let them go, let me go. I want my best friend to man up and just say he fucking wants to be with me. I’ve been fighting with myself about how close I should stay with him. I know he can’t be the kind of friend I want or need right now but I just want him to be it anyways. I want him to want to do things that I need but he won’t. I know he won’t so I have to stop wanting this but I can’t stop myself from obsessing over it.  I’ve been slowly pulling back over the last week. Not being so available, not talking to him so much. Some days I just can’t stand the thought of ever speaking to him again. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want anything to do with him. I vow that I’m not going to IM or text with him at all. Just the thought of talking to him makes me anxious. And angry. I create arguments in my mind that I’ve never had with him and work myself into a frenzy. By early evening I’m anxious that I’m not talking to him. It takes all my will power to ignore his texts and I feel like shit because I just want to talk to my friend. So I do, except there’s no relief. I don’t feel better. I don’t feel worse. I feel nothing. Which does make me feel worse. It doesn’t help that he knows me well enough that he actually understands what the hell my problem is, which makes it impossible to feel misunderstood. So after avoiding him all day, mentally fighting with myself I finally respond to him:  

Me: Rough therapy session

Friend: Ouch really?

Me: Yeah =( Stuff I need to do to protect myself that are healthy vs. what I do instinctively (dissociate). How to resolve inner conflict which I have no clue how to do.

Me: Hard time letting go of things that are destructive for me. Dealing with them in a way that doesn’t hurt me more. It makes me feel very alone.

Friend: Letting go is an intensely hard lesson. That leap of faith, throwing yourself into the unknown with none of you long held anchors.

Me: My problem is that when I’ve taken those leaps, it’s put me more in harms way. Intentionally or not I continuously make choices that damage me and I don’t know how to break that cycle and build myself up instead of letting things tear me apart.

Friend: Therapist didn’t help you with strategies?

Me: Still working through the roots of this before I can fix it. Why things affect me so adversely. How I get there in the first place. Why it happens. Why things draw me and why I can’t maintain my own protection. I want to have hope where I can’t expect it to be.

Friend: ::nods:: Beginnings are very dangerous scary times. Unknowns. Uncertainties. The fear of failing. Feels easier to be comforted by the familiar even if the familiar is harmful.

Friend: In an odd way it sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship with yourself.

Me: Abusive relationships since I was little. When everything tells you, you aren’t enough, never worth more, worth the chance… I let the wrong things in and don’t know how to let go of that. I need things that are positive for me but I need to protect myself too.

Friend: That’s what you need to let go of. The past bad. The abuse. The feelings of worthlessness. It’s The Leap. The falling, rips away the things that aren’t you. But it’s a terrifying leap.

Me: Everyone wants what they want. I put others before myself and feel selfish for wanting things for me. Told too many times it’s not ok to want the things I do. Every leap I’ve taken in the end I end up needing to protect myself more.

Friend: Things are ok to want. But wanting and getting aren’t always possible.

Friend: You don’t need to protect yourself in those cases. Just accept that desires don’t always lead to getting and move on.

Me: What I want is for things to stop hurting me but I don’t know they’ll hurt me in the first place until they do. It’s just how it works.  

Friend: As a Buddhist I can only say, well… Yes. Everyone wants that.

Friend: Have you considered that by protecting yourself so firmly you might be causing yourself more hurt?

Me: Think I should just open myself to whatever comes?

Friend: No. But you may have closed up so tightly you aren’t open to the infinite possibilities. So you wind up pinning your hopes so heavily on the few things you do let in. The hurt is then multiplied when they don’t fit.

{BINGO It’s so hard for me to let people in, that yes, I do put my hopes into them, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY LEAD ME TO BELIEVE THAT I CAN HAVE THESE THINGS. I fucking want, just once, to put my hopes in someone and not be let down, for the same person to want it too, but no}

Me: Yeah I’ve thought about that. Something I’m working to let go of.

Friend: Finding balance between opening up and protecting yourself.

Friend:::smiles:: Some day sit seems like the universe needs a swift kick in the junk doesn’t it.

Me: Which is what I’m working towards. This is draining. And yeah, the universe deserves a junk kick or two.

Friend: I work for it and some days I wanna just haul off and kick it square in the junk.

Me: Night

Friend: ::hugs:: Night dearest friend.

Some days I just want to strangle him. Especially considering he’s half the reason for my current crazy.  One, he’s a hypocrite considering the loveless horrible marriage he isn’t working to fix. Coward. Two, he pulled me into his world, things get very intense, very intimate, and when it’s no longer convenient because his wife is a nut job things have to abruptly change. Without warning. Which is exactly the wrong way to deal with me. And he wonders why I need to protect myself? Not that this is by far the first or fifth or tenth time I’ve learned this lesson. Granted this is probably the healthiest relationship I’ve had, ever. Which is ridiculous sad. But at least he didn’t just use me and throw me away, which I fully expected. He’s still my friend, still here. I feel like I’m still waiting for it to happen though and I need to pull away before he does it for me. I have no barriers. The way our physical relationship ended was handled very poorly on his part. But what do I expect, he’s a guy. Part of the reason his marriage has so many problems is because neither of them communicate well.  I’ve let go, I’ve thrown myself into things, I’ve let people inside my walls… and Every. Single. Time. It goes poorly for me. I have no barrier, nothing to break the fall or even ease the landing. It just fucking hurts. And it keeps hurting because I can’t put any space, or distance, or time, or duct tape between me and the things that make me feel bad. I try and it makes me anxious like I’ll lose my hold on my world, I reach for it and it still makes me feel like the surface I reach for is too slippery to latch onto. There’s no winning. I’ve already let him in, there’s no pushing him back out to a safer space for me. Not unless I push him out completely, at least then I wouldn’t have to deal with his awful wife anymore. Then I’d be even more alone than I am now, and where would that leave me? Nowhere.  I feel like I’m losing my blood mind! ARG! Women don’t drive me this crazy. Why I continue to let men into my life is beyond my fucking clue. 

I’m supposed to go over tonight for our usual movie night, and tomorrow for our monthly UFC pay-per-view. On the one hand I don’t want to see him, I don’t want him to touch me, I don’t want to have to pretend that I’m interested in what people have to say… I’m in a really bad fucking mood today and I’m sick of pretending that everything is ok when it’s not.

I woke up this morning pissed the hell off. Went to the gym, power walked/ran for 70 minutes which did lift my mood. Exercise usually does. Got home and the gf texts me. Ok, she’s not really my gf yet, we’re more like friends with benefits, but she wants to be my gf (even though she lives with her current one). I told her last night I had plans tonight, but I really wasn’t feeling up for people. She keeps harping on me that she’ll bring over sushi and saki and we’ll watch movies and give me a massage. Which sounds lovely on paper, except I’m in a really pissy mood and I don’t want to have to pretend that I’m grateful that she’s going out of her way to do these things for me. Especially since I know she doesn’t consider it going out of her way for me at all. She just wants to be around me…. Here goes the conversation:

{Last night}

GF: Please let me see you tomorrow…{No}… Sushi, saki, wine, back rub, movie and u don’t have to talk about anything I’ll just try n make u laugh…{No, not feeling up for people}…Well I’m not people I’m {insert name} and I don’t think, I know, I could make u feel better but I respect ur request to be alone even tho I don’t agree with it J… I just do get frustrated bc I wanna see u n make u feel good… I want to bring u real  hugs… I don’t think u realize how much u make me feel good too…Ur beautiful…What if I said I’m telling not asking? {Grrr, I’m not in a mind frame to do this now}… Never claimed to be smooth so I’ll be there at 7… I’ll just take your lack of response as unwilling compliance… {I don’t want to have to think about decisions right now}… Exactly that’s why I’m thinking for you {Hun, I’m in a really bad mood I don’t need company}… Judging by the ‘hun’ I’m guessing I’m not going to win this one…

Gee, ya think?

{So today}

GF: Not taking no for an answer it’s a perfect sushi n movie night day.

Me: No joke right now I don’t want to be around anyone. I’m in a seriously bad mood. I really appreciate how much u care though. (afterthought to not sound so harsh)

GF: Sometimes u should give people a chance to make u happy bc I know by the time I left u would be.

Me: I know, but I also don’t want to cause th epoeple I care for unhappiness.

GF: Impossible bc the people who care about u should understand ur moods and that’s their own risk to just b around u. Now is this one of the times I should fight for what I want?

Me: You’re wonderful. I really just can’t right now. I need to be alone and work through some stuff. Had a really rough therapy session yesterday.

GF: Here’s my towel.

{Insert me quipping about Hitchhiker’s Guide}

Me: Can we maybe do something Sunday….

GF: Baby I’ve been waiting all week to see u I can wait til Sunday but I won’t hold my breath u may kill me lol. ::sends me a song:: Listen to this plz.

Me: ::song actually makes me cry so I listen to it repeatedly:: Thank you. I’m a mess of a human being.

GF: To u you are, but to me ur just Haven and she’s beautiful.

Me: ::hearts::

GF: I’m not like anyone lady, I’m different. I understand more than u would think I may not agree with how u go about things but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be near you.

The more I have to tell her ‘no’ the worse I feel. I’m pissed off AND feeling guilty at the same friggin time.

Told Friend about the song she sent me (which I’ll post tomorrow), and he said it reminds him of me too. In fact, I believe he’s sent me the same song before because it reminded him of me. Grr. Mixed signals much? At least with her, she’s clear and I know what to bloody think about it.

So I’m declining letting her take care of me tonight so I can go torture myself at my friends house. I’ll probably be closed off, bury myself in my interwebs, ignore the inconsiderate words of the wife, pretend to laugh at other friends jokes and generally be miserable until everyone leaves and it’s just me and Friend watching a movie we’ve been waiting to see for months… while he gives me a back massage. All week I’ve been railing against the idea of even letting him touch me ever again, and he makes one offer and I’m like, sure, sounds good ::headdesk:: I’m not fit for society, and yet…. They’re both so fucking sweet to me it’s retarded!  And aggravating! I told her repeatedly last night that I didn’t want to do stuff but she keeps freaking asking and harping at me all afternoon which just pisses me off more because I have to be tactful and not tell her that she’s annoying the piss out of me. I know she just wants to be with me, but I just want to make myself miserable right now and making decisions is too hard. More and more annoyed. Then another girl I’ve been talking to messages me with this really sweet letter with long rambling run on sentences (don’t ask me why I think this is cute) and I’m all smiley as I send her a novel in reply.

Pissed off, okay, annoyed as fuck, smiles, tears, more aggravation, uncertainty. And my mood tracker just averages it all out and says I’m mildly depressed.

Even my cat is aggravating me!

And to top it off I can’t find a good strangulation silhouette for a post pic. Grr. 

Family – Borderline Personality Disorder Facts and Statistics Part 6

My posting has been pretty erratic this week. I took a week off between the last job and the new job to give myself a break. When I’m not trying to avoid work and can actually do things that don’t make me want to strangle my boss I guess the lack of structure is, well, a lack of structure. Moving on…

– ERD (borderline personality disorder) can be extremely hard on families.  Families need support.

Mostly I just feel this needs reiterating. I’ll be doing fully separate posts on this. When I was younger and really just starting on this turbulent terror that is BPD I was really, really hard on my family. Fortunately they love me a lot, and never gave up on me. I know there were times I pushed them to the edge and I didn’t deserve their love, but they were always there.  They are the absolute strongest support system I have, even though I now live over 500 miles away from them. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have their love and support. I can’t even begin to stress how important it is to have people willing to stick by you. Especially when it can be so difficult. Frankly I’m surprised I didn’t push them all into counseling. My entire family is very close and I’m thankful they had each other to rely on, to lean on.

– Patients reported significantly higher rates of psychiatric disorders in their families in general, especially 

anxiety disorders, depression, and suicidality.

Well, I can’t deny this from my family history. On my father’s side, my grandfather was an alcoholic, died of Alzheimer’s. My grandmother was bipolar. On my mom’s side of the family: don’t know about my grandfather, but he died of Alzheimer’s too. My grandmother was schizophrenic. My mom I’m sure has some kind of anxiety disorder. My brother is depressive. My sister is bipolar. My dad seems to have made it safely to sanity, though I’m sure I pushed that to the edge at times.

It’s important to know family history. It helps pin point what factors may influence your own mental health and provide a more accurate diagnosis. At the very least, it might help prepare you for signs to look out for. My family’s mental health never concerned me so much as their physical health, but in retrospect it would have helped me more had I paid attention. Knowing the whole medical history is good to keep in mind. My family also has a history of alcoholism (grandfather) which I need to watch out for. Heart attacks/heart disease/strokes… these are all things that I can act to prevent though diet and exercise and not smoking (yeah yeah I’m quitting, eventually, when my sanity can support it).  I’ve been strict vegetarian for 18 years, and I exercise at least 6 days a week = an hour of cardio + weight training. Generally speaking I live a very healthy lifestyle. I’ve always known these things were necessarily to live a functional and healthy life. Knowing family mental histories is no different.

Co-Morbid Symptoms: Borderline Personality Facts and Statistics Part 5

– On the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI), ERD patients do not show a common profile. Personality traits appear to be a combination of histrionic, narcissistic, and antisocial personality.

The MMPI is one of the most frequently used personality tests in mental health. The test is used by trained professionals to assist in identifying personality structure and psychopathology. I don’t actually know much about this test so I’ll be sure to do more research on this in the future.  However it doesn’t surprise me that BPD displays with a combination of personality disorder traits.  Since personality disorders encompass all aspects of a person’s life, the environmental and emotional factors that are experienced often overlap.  The very nature of BPD is a collection of problems that display together…

– Co-morbid conditions in BPD may also affect the ability to act responsibly.

BPD is not a single issue.  There is no single thing that you can point to and say, yep, that’s BPD. BPD is often referred to as a ‘catch-all’ personality disorder because there are so many influencing factors.  Rather than the type of symptom, are the number of proliferative psychiatric or medical symptoms that are diagnostically relevant. These multiple psychiatric symptoms appear to manifest as numerous comorbid Axis I and II diagnoses.  

       

Axis I:  Clinical disorders, including major mental disorders, and learning disorders

<!–[if !supportLists]–>–          <!–[endif]–>Axis II: Personality disorders and mental retardation (although developmental disorders, such as Autism, were coded on Axis II in the previous edition, these disorders are now included on Axis I)

Axis I disorders – Clinical ( Mental ) Disorders are used to report various disorders or conditions, as well as noting other conditions that may be a focus of clinical attention. Clinical Disorders are identified into 14 categories, including:  Anxiety Disorders, Childhood Disorders, Cognitive Disorders, Dissociative Disorders, Eating Disorders, Factitious Disorders, Impulse Control Disorders, Mood Disorders, Psychotic Disorders, Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders, Sleep Disorders, Somatoform Disorders, and Substance-Related Disorders. Other conditions, known as Adjustment Disorders, may also be a focus of clinical attention includeMedication-Induced Movement Disorders, Relational Problems, Problems Related to Abuse or Neglect, Noncompliance with Treatment, Malingering, Adult Antisocial Behavior, Child or Adolescent Antisocial Behavior, Age-Related Cognitive Decline, Bereavement, Academic Problem, Occupational Problem, Identity Problem, Religious or Spiritual Problem, Acculturation Problem, and Phase of Life Problem.

Axis II disorders – Personality Disorders and Mental Retardation are recorded so the clinician will give consideration to additional intervention and treatment choices. Personality is the qualities and traits of being a specific and unique individual. It is the enduring pattern of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, it is how we think, love, feel, make decisions and take actions. Personality is determined, in part, by our genetics and also, by our environment. It is the determining factor in how we live our lives. Individuals with Personality Disorders have more difficulty in every aspect of their lives. Their individual personality traits reflect ingrained, inflexible, and maladaptive patterns of behaviors that cause discomfort, distress and impair the individual’s ability to function in the daily activities of living. In Mental Retardation problems in brain development have usually occurred and virtually will affect all aspects of the individual’s cognitive functioning. Borderline Intellectual Functioning, as well as Learning Disabilities, may also be a consideration for clinical focus.

Common Axis II disorders:

Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Dependent Personality Disorder.

Histrionic Personality Disorder.

Mental Retardation.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.

Paranoid Personality Disorder.

Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

Schizoid Personality Disorder.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

I’ve mentioned co-morbid symptoms before as I have a metric butt-ton of these: Clinical Depression, General Anxiety Disorder, Eating Disorder (Bulimia), Dissociative Disorder, Sleep disturbance, Sexual/Gender Identification ‘issues’ (I don’t find this to be an issue at all), and possibly substance abuse problems (alcohol). Not to mention the obvious DSM criteria that qualify me for the Axis II Borderline Personality diagnosis.

When there are so many issues, so many overwhelming features to BPD it’s not at all surprising that it’s difficult for someone with BPD to act responsibly. It’s a lot to keep in mind, a lot to try to reign in. These are not issues that can be flipped on and off like a light switch, easily kept in check. You don’t get to choose when your emotions affect you, or how they affect you. And this CAN happen at the flip of a trigger in almost any situation. All of these things contribute to what makes BPD so difficult to control, and that lack of control comes out when we don’t want it to. 

Insomnia

When a glass of wine and 100mg of Trazadone don’t even phase you, you know it’s going to be a long night ::sigh::

Separation: Borderline Personality Disorder Facts and Statistics

– Patients with borderline personality disorder remembered more difficulties with separation between ages 6 and 17 years, more mood reactivity and poorer frustration tolerance between ages 6 and 17, and the onset of more symptoms (most prominently sadness, depression, anxiety, and suicidality) before age 18 than did patients with other personality disorders.

I’m told I had instances of separation anxiety as early as 2.5 years old when my mother went into labor with my brother. She was in the hospital for a couple days and no one explained to me that she would be back. Which of course, she was. I’m also told I was an exceptionally well behaved kid until I was about 12. I excelled at sports to impress my dad, did extra work to impress my teachers

I moved when I was 6. I never saw the friends I’d made before that age again. I made friends quickly when I was younger. I still make friends easily, but I no longer let people as close to me if I can help it. I always had very close, bonded relationships with my friends. My best friend moved when I was 8. I was heartbroken. Every weekend since I was born we spend Sundays with my grandparents. When I was 9 my grandmother died. I never let anyone see my cry. I had to be strong for my brother and sister. When I couldn’t stand it I locked myself in my closet so no one would see me upset. When I was 7 I was pulled out of the elementary school I went to. I was placed in a school for gifted children for the rest of elementary school. I had the same small class, the same friends since the 2^nd grade. When we were old enough for junior high that class got broken up and incorporated into the combined school and I didn’t have class with my friends anymore. I was still able to hang out with my best friends (especially my best guy friend) after school. When I was 12 and started to hit puberty our friendship wasn’t allowed to stay the same anymore. We couldn’t hang out the way we did, couldn’t have the sleepovers we had for years.  I’m sure it was that parental fear that things would get ‘confusing’ but I’d been friends with this guy for almost as long as I’d known my sister, he was family to me, not a boy. Things kept changing. I began to resent the fact that I was female. Junior high and high school were filled with too much drama for me. People kept coming and going. My relationships with people ended abruptly. People wanted things from me that I didn’t know what to do with. I couldn’t stay in relationships for longer than a month and a half before pushing away. Friends started dating and our friendships weren’t as close anymore. Things kept changing. Nothing was stable. In high school my friendships were destructive. “Friends” would turn on me, conspire against me, then take advantage of my depression and I’d let them back into my life because I didn’t want to be left alone. I stayed in a rollercoaster of a relationship with a guy for 6 years because I couldn’t deal with the thought of losing my best friend, even though he did things to me I never should have tolerated. The one opportunity I was actually interested in to distract myself from this my ‘best friend’ helped me cultivate… then literally the day before things would have happened she tried to take it away. He asked me prom, but I told him I couldn’t go. I let her take away what I wanted to preserve our friendship, but I resented her ever since and our friendship exploded. Or she tried to explode and I walked away and didn’t look back, literally. A month later the guy she took away from me, I seduced and he cheated on her with me. He always liked me more anyways so it wasn’t hard. Of course, I never trusted him after this because he’d cheat on his gf. Ironic, no? By then I had no interest in him anyways. (So instead of working to get out of the abusive relationship I’d been in previously I let continue. Off and on. This continued even after I went to University before I finally severed the relationship completely.) This is when I decided it would be better to not let anyone close to me again. People can’t leave you if they’re never close to you in the first place.

That sadness, depression, anxiety took over my life in the 7^th grade (11/12 years old). Every change made my world fall apart. I just wanted something steady. It was the one thing I never got. When I was 13 and tried to kill myself the first time, the friends that I thought cared about me the most, instead of encouraging me to get help, pulled away and left me to deal on my own. I understand now that it was just too emotionally traumatic for kids so young to handle, but I took it as though they didn’t care enough to stay.

Things changed, beyond my control, and I’ve never believed anyone cared enough to stay. Never cared enough to do the one simple thing that would help me be happy. Not good enough to care about. Not good enough to not leave. So I left them first. I confided in no one. The problem with this? I was even more excruciatingly lonely than ever before. I had no one to turn to, no one to ease the pain and suffering that overwhelmed me. I threw myself into my studies. I pushed away friendships, didn’t let anyone close, but at 

least my grades were top notch.

Writing about these things, so boiled down and simplified, don’t seem like such big things. They even seem normal for teenage years. They’re such deconstructed bits and pieces of the years and years of this I dealt with.  Every single instance was a breaking point. I would rage, lash out, destroy the things around me. Harden myself to what I saw as inevitable eventualities. All before I even graduated high school.

Still to this day the only male I believe won’t ever leave me, is my cat.

– These results indicate that many of the features of adult patients with borderline personality disorder may initially appear during childhood and adolescence and that these features may be used to differentiate borderline from other personality disorders

.

No argument here. I knew there was something severely wrong with my emotional control, but refusing to tell anyone what was really wrong with me, I never had help. Didn’t know how to express what I was really feeling. Refused to talk to my parents. They’d never understand anyways (or so I believed) as we fought constantly. I wouldn’t even entertain the possibility of therapy. I was too young to really be diagnosed with BPD then anyways, but all the symptoms, all the signs were clearly manifesting. 

Therapy Homework

Love my therapist.  

This hasn’t always been the case. My last therapist, while good intentioned, never really impressed me or seemed very knowledgeable about things. She helped me at the time to get through what I was going through, but ultimately she didn’t help me with my deeper problems, or even attempt to really explore them. Sort of like a band-aid on an amputation.

New therapist is very knowledgeable and understands my strengths {and weaknesses}. This really helps us find a way to approach and work on the things that I’m struggling with. She also listens to me and remembers who I am in order to tailor her approaches to match with my personality.  Anyways. She gives me homework. My last therapist never gave me homework. I love it. I am an uber nerd to the core so I appreciate having something to focus on in order to take an active role in my own development and recovery.  One of my main problems is that I have a cognitive dissonance between my feelings and my thoughts. I am ultra cognitive. I can think through any situation rationally and see the logical path or course of action. However, my feelings are utterly disconnected. I can logically understand something, but feel completely different. This is one of the reasons I was involved in a very abusive relationship for so long. I couldn’t reconcile this dissonance. I could see and logically understand what was going on, but my emotions were in such contrast that I couldn’t act either way. One of my strengths in therapy is that I am very cognitively aware. I am able to very quickly grasp new concepts and {attempt} to incorporate them into my life. The problem is, while I am cognitively aware, I can’t incorporate the correlating emotions. Working on experiencing my emotions appropriately, attaching to them and understanding them in an appropriate way is important for my development.

Sooo anyways. The homework she assigned me… To think about a problem, issue or concern I have right before going to bed. When I wake up in the morning, take a few minutes to think about and record the dreams I had during the night. In this way I can see how I subconsciously deal and work through my emotions. Understand how they manifest and begin to process them consciously. I LOVE this. I do this anyways when I have time. I have very vivid, very intense dreams. I hate sleeping (because it’s a waste of time) but I love to dream. My dreams are so bizarre and so fascinating. I write them down whenever I can. Dream interpretation is one of my pet hobbies. So yeah, I love this.

Assignment #2: Draw a picture of how I see myself. Find an image, character, or original thought that I relate to and draw myself as I see me in relation to this thing/person. I love to draw. Admittedly I have no formal artistic training, but I do have something of a natural talent. The deeper meaning is to probably take the source and gain insight into how I view myself in relation to it, thereby uncovering some facet of my personality. I don’t care. I get to draw =)  I chose the concept of one of my favorite character types from a book series that I’ve read probably a dozen times. I do think the character I chose that I relate to disturbed her a bit, and I wonder what it says about me, but ::shrug::, it’s what I relate to. 

(I’ll get back to my BPD facts and stats tomorrow. Just thought it would be nice to switch things up a bit.)

Borderline Personality Disorder Facts and Stats Part 4

Continuing on, here are some more relevant statistics concerning BPD. I’ll most likely take a more in depth look at some of these in future posts. 

– 50% experience Clinical Depression 

Surprise? Personally I think this statistic is low.  Well, depression is different from Clinical depression, so maybe it’s not incorrect. I think the statistics for people suffering from depression are much, much higher. Clinical depression is long term. It doesn’t last a few days, or a few weeks. It last for months and years. Never seeming to dissolve into something normal and pleasant. Fortunately for those that suffer with depression there is medicinal help. Thus far there is no prescription cure all for Borderline Personality Disorder, however it is possible, and recommended, to work on the specific symptoms. I’ve had pretty decent success with the medication I’ve tried in regards to helping regulate my depression and anxiety. I have had trouble balancing the beneficial effects of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics with the resultant side effects. The current medication I’m on does seem to be helping, without any unpleasant side effects, though my psych and I are still working to figure out the proper dose.

– BPD is treatable with medication initially and psychodynamic therapy complimented with dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Therapy without proper medications is not recommended by many Drs. in this field.

From my own experience, one without the other has not been incredibly effective. That’s not to say that if only one is available it won’t help at all, something is always better than nothing. As I just stated, there is no medical cure for BPD. However BPD generally consists of a lot of co-morbid symptoms. While the overall issue can’t be medicated, things like depression and general anxiety are a result of synopsis in the brain that may not be functioning properly. With medication it is possible to lessen these problems if not correct them completely. While it’s not a total cure, it does make working on the other problems much more manageable. Part of what is absolutely necessary for treating BPD is learning to manage the deeply ingrained psychological behaviors. Especially if there is a history of trauma and abuse, learning to heal from these events and developing mechanisms to allow you to cope in the future is very important. This is the whole point of therapy. Learning and understanding the base motivators for our actions provides the tools to prevent or counteract these problems in the future. Without understanding ourselves, it makes it very difficult to function in a world that doesn’t experience the way we do.  I’m not currently doing DBT, my therapist focuses more on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but that doesn’t change the fact that the work we do is a necessary compliment to my medication.

– Many clinicians refuse to treat BPD/ERD.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder have the stigma of being very uncontrollable and very unpredictable. This coupled with the tendency to display many co-morbid symptoms makes BPD seem like a larger task that will require a greater amount of treatment that may seem insurmountable. But let’s face it, if a clinician is not prepared, incapable, or unsympathetic to the needs of someone with BPD, they are clearly the wrong medical professional for the job. We deserve someone that understands this problem and is not going to stigmatize us as individuals because we may present a challenge or there is general prejudice. It makes me angry that those of us that may need the most help, may also have the hardest time finding the help they need.  

I can’t speak for this though. I have had none of these problems, and to me, that is VERY encouraging. From my experience I know that it is very likely and absolutely possible to find doctors and therapists that are more than willing to work with those with BPD.  My psychiatrist diagnosed me relatively quickly but was not deterred in the least. He immediately dove into my options, and while recognizing that there was not one overarching medical cure, he is optimistic that we can treat many of the major symptoms. He also strongly recommended that I work with my therapist, whom I see twice a week. I will say I was hesitant to tell my therapist that my psych diagnosed me with BPD. On the one hand I didn’t want to influence her own opinions, and on the other, I was a little worried that she would not want to continue working with me. In the end I recognized that it doesn’t help me, or allow for her to provide me with the best options, if I held back. Again, she was also not deterred. She knew about every single one of my issues and symptoms from the start so adding one more label to things didn’t change anything as far as she was concerned. I haven’t seen my current therapist for too terribly long, but I am confident that I have found people that are willing to work with me and see me through this ordeal. So don’t be discouraged! There is help out there =)

Quotes from the Borderline…

 “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel. Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel pain.”

~Jim Morrison~