Memoirs on a Sunday

I’ve been completely lost in my own mind today. For once in a very long time I was actually glad to have woken up alone. Which is so disappointing at the same time, because I really love waking up to someone, especially Tech Boy as of late.  

::sigh::

I’m about ready to run from whatever it is that we’re doing here. 

As I mentioned earlier this week Tech Boy wanted to take me out of state this weekend. He took me to one of his favorite casinos. I’ve never gambled before (no, never), and it’s something that he’s really into. He was excited to share the experience and introduce me to the whole scene.

Friday night he came over. He suggested I make dinner. I found this amusing but also had a mini panic attack because I hadn’t had time to shop or prepare a menu. If I was nice to myself I would have just told him to get take out. But he likes my cooking and I’m incapable of saying no.  So I prepared my Potato-Gorgonzola Soup and Steak strips sautéed in a Red Wine sauce with Rosemary, garlic, and shallots. 

We spent most of the night just cuddled up on the couch watching some great movies. Then to bed to make sure we woke up early to get on the road. I love sleeping with him. He wraps himself around me in such a magnificently luxurious way; a blanket of lust and affection entwined around my body. 

So we woke up early, feeling a little frisky, but still out of bed on time to get everything together. I found it absolutely adorable when he whistled at me as I walked out of the bedroom after getting dressed. 

 

So we got on the road, hopped a ferry, then a bus, and he introduced me to his love of casinos.

His tradition starts at Roulette. He had me pick the bets. Throughout the night we played Roulette only 3 times. We won each time. 

We had a cliché couple minutes at the slots. Boring. 

But we spent most of the day running the black jack tables.

Frankly, I’m not a gambler. Money doesn’t mean much to me, but I also don’t care to throw it away randomly. Gambling doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. 

Oh yeah. And we drank. We drank a lot. We started with beer on an empty stomach, added a touch of food and then just kept on drinking.  Eventually I had to switch to hard liquor (“had to”, I know, haha) because my stomach just isn’t that big and I can’t fit a ton of beer.  < —– My life is hard. Throughout the fun of having him teach me how to play black jack… which is surprisingly more complicated than just trying to count to 21… we talked a lot. 

My spider senses started tingling like mad.

We’re such different people. We’re both engineers, we both like metal music…. But that’s about it. As opposed to me and Friend, who I don’t think I’ve ever met someone that I had more in common with. Srsly, we don’t even have to speak and we still know what the other wants to do because we think so similarly. 

I just, don’t think I can do this. One of the conversations we had revolved around mental health. He has no idea of my issues, my background, or my mental health. We got on the subject of depression and medication in our drunken ramblings. He actually said to me, that medication for things like depression is a detriment to society because it’s allowing the perpetuation of a defective gene. WTF?!? The night before we watched a program on Steven Hawking’s ideas of time travel. Steven Hawking has a few more difficulties than depression and yet, one of the most brilliant minds in the world. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re seriously going to tell me that people are better off  without medication because it increases the chance that they won’t propagate the species, or will propagate it with a “defective” gene?   He specifically mentioned bipolar too and I about flipped the fuck out (which I didn’t). I did tell him he had better be careful b/c my sister is bipolar and telling me that medication to help her is a detriment to society is ridiculous. I felt compelled to find some kind of middle ground though and told him I believed it was entirely dependent on the person that was affected. My sister is a beautiful, amazing person that works to help people that are so much less fortunate than her. Friend’s wife, who is EXTREMELY bipolar, is one of the worst people I’ve ever met in my life and I hope she dies in a fire. It has nothing to do with the mental disorder, it has everything to do with their personality and the kind of person they are. Despite the problems that you are faced with, what really matters is how you cope and work with what you’re given. 

Problem: I’m diagnosed Major Depressive. This is not the worst of my issues. Nor is it my sole issue. How the fuck am I supposed to trust that he will accept the fact that I’m more than what he perceives? Forget my depression, how the hell would I explain that I’m Borderline? Dollars to donuts he doesn’t have a clue what it even is. 

He’s also clearly the kind of guy that just wants to “hang out”. He hasn’t had a ‘girlfriend’ since he was like 12 years old. Can you say absolute lack of an ability to commit? I sure can. This is exactly the kind of guy that will drive me to the edge. I know if I get attached to him it’ll drive me to insanity and back. I’ll want someone that actually wants to be with me more than anyone, and he’ll never give me that. I doubt he has any clue what he even wants. I’m positive of that in fact, because he doesn’t think about those kinds of things. His entire philosophy in life is sort of like, ‘who cares, take it as it goes’. He doesn’t overthink anything, which is awesome, but also doesn’t actually  think about anything at all. Which means he has no thoughts about where he wants us to be, other than he enjoys doing what we’re doing. 

Sure, he kind of went out of his way to bring me out to share his favorite experience. I know he likes me, I know he enjoys hanging out with me.  He has absolutely no idea how to treat a woman. At all. 

One of the conversations we had was about how to treat people. He knows I’ve had abusive relationships in the past, because I’ve hinted at some bad relationships, though I’ve thus far refused to go into detail. He said he was raised to treat people well. He doesn’t understand how someone can treat someone else abusively, what would the point in that be? He was raised different. However he also believes things like abuse is a 1^st world problem. In the grand scheme of things someone that’s starving on the streets, hasn’t eaten in 4 days, has bigger problems so it’s something to keep in mind, for perspective when you’re worrying about things like abuse. 

Seriously? I mean, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah not having food or the ability to eat or have shelter for days is tragic. That’s not a question, but that doesn’t negate the fact that abuse is traumatizing and not something that’s ok.  

He just lives in an entirely different world than I do. He has no clue what dealing with this stuff is like, will never know, and therefore I doubt his ability to sympathize with anything I’ve had to deal with in my life. How do you be with someone when you have zero faith in their ability to empathize with you? Or at the least step out of their own limited little box and and open their mind to a different perspective of experience?

I want to run screaming.

All night he called me his good luck charm. By the time we left he’d won a significant amount of money, we were toasty liquored up, and I was ready to curl up in bed. My entire perception of him changed. 

I know that I’ve gone from an all hopeful and lovey (although cautious) outlook, to… SPLIT… this guy is bad news for me. But does that mean that I’m wrong? 

One thing my Therapist says about me all the time is how perceptive I am of people. Borderlines in general tend to be very aware of how other people are…we’re hypersensitive, in fact. I don’t think I’m wrong here. 

It kills me. I love sleeping with him. Curling up with him, having his arms around me, his lips on mine… I could lose myself in it easily. I’m trying to make better choices for myself though. We’re very different people and frankly, he’s had something of a privileged upbringing that hasn’t lent him any kind of idea of what people deal with in the real world. 

I want someone that wants to be with me. Without question. He has no clue what he wants. He just wants to enjoy things day to day. I don’t know if I can do that. Not without some hint that I’m of more importance to you than what’s for dinner tonight. 

Run. My instincts want me to run. Run fast.

I think he may have picked up on it a bit. Driving around I often put my hand on his leg. At various points on the ride home I would take my hand back, to respond to a text or whatever and not replace it right away. He would reach over and grab my thigh, leave his hand there, entwine his fingers through mine, hold my hand. I just, get mixed signals from him. 

I feel so detached. I want so much more. I look forward to going into work so much, but now… I don’t know. 

Oh, and the guys that I work with, apparently have me on such a high pedestal it’s ridiculous. One of the other techs is apparently crushing on me hard and basically hopes that I’ll be the actual replacement for his wife. Um, no. They notice me. They notice everything I wear. In general I tone it down big time. I wear color, I wear the kind of clothes the guys wear (This is part of the mask I don for work each day)… but the few times I haven’t… oh yeah, they notice. But I’m solidly one of the group. They adore having me around. I’m not one of the guys though. That much is so clearly obvious.  

::sigh:: They’re great guys. I don’t even have to try to seduce them though and they’re smitten. How do you trust people that you’re sure have fantasized about getting you into bed? I can’t deal. I’m losing hope in people. I’m losing hope in dating. I’m really losing hope in men. I know this isn’t fair. I do. But my experiences have been so wildly varied, and yet, so bad, it’s hard to believe that they’ll ever come out good. 

What’s a girl to do?

I really need advice. If you have any, I’d appreciate it.

Memoirs on a Sunday

Oh what a weekend. Sooo, starting this week I’ve been taking Therapists advice; and hanging out with Friend less. I sort of waited until the last minute to tell him that I wouldn’t be coming over Friday. I was instantly conflicted and probably would have gone over if the party ended at a decent time, but it’s probably for the best that it didn’t. Speaking of…. 

Friday I spent the evening with my coworkers =) We had a wine and cheese party. Everyone brought a bottle of wine, and cheeses or crackers, he made some homemade pizzas. I made a homemade dense chocolate torte. I was so excited for this torte. I can’t really say any culinary endeavor is particularly difficult for me, but when you have to create your own simple syrups, combine everything over a double boiler and then bake it in a water bath, we’re getting into more advanced techniques. I have to say it came out phenomenally. And so did the entire party. Except for a few times checking my phone to see if Friend texted me I was totally in the moment. I didn’t dissociate at all. The whole night I was charming and engaging, laughing, and chatting comfortably… I even bonded with my coworkers son over his mighty impressive Star Wars Lego collection. We’re going to have another party like this very soon. And I have to say, I’m really looking forward to it. My colleagues are really great people. Not at all the kind of people I would have envisioned myself socializing with. I mean, they’re all so… normal. Nice, normal people. 

::smiles:: Then the end of the night rolls around. I was actually a little worried I’d missed saying goodnight to Tech Boy while I was looking at Legos. After I said goodnight to our host he was waiting for me. Chatted for a few minutes…. Kissed for even longer.  I love that feeling. That anticipation, the racing heart, breathe catching in your throat… mmmmmmmm. I love first kisses. 

He came over Saturday around 4:30p to make me dinner. Adorable. I make food for so many people he thought I deserved to have dinner made for me for a change. I can’t remember the last time someone made dinner just for me.  The butterflies in my stomach were on steroids haha. He said he rushed over as fast as he could. I cracked some wine, popped open some beer, and let him make me a very tasty dinner. Followed by an epic marathon of Star Wars episodes 1, 2, and 3. Not that I even remember watching the last two movies. I love that rush of being swept away in a flood of feelings and moments. 

The only thing that remotely bothered me was the nagging voice of Therapist in the back of my head saying that this was a bad idea. It put a slight sourness on my actions, made me hesitate instead of just letting go. Maybe it’s a good thing. I did hold back a little. Not much, but a little. And I still had him stay over. I have to say, it was really, really nice waking up with his arms around me in the morning. Around me, all over me ::giggles:: We seriously laid in bed dozing and wrapping ourselves around each other for hours. I haven’t done that, felt comfortable doing that, in ages. Waking up next to someone that wants to wake up next to me is one of those things I love more than anything. 

When we finally dragged ourselves out of bed I made a huge breakfast: buttermilk waffles with cinnamon and vanilla, hashbrowns, sausages, orange juice. He finally left after breakfast. I finally threw up the biggest breakfast I’ve had in forever. Kind of a shame because it was delicious, but I’m finally starting to like my body again, and I need to watch how I look if someone is going to be seeing me naked again. 

Guys don’t want to know that though. Gotta hide the imperfections. Fortunately most of mine are mental and I don’t have to throw them out in the open. I can just be beautiful. 

I love this part.

Memoirs on a Sunday: Crush (Yeah I know it’s Monday)

I have a crush. I feel like such a dork. I’m smiley and up and…. This is such a bad idea. We work together. I’ve been clearly noticing the slow changes in Tech Boy’s behavior towards me over the last few weeks. Standing closer, holding eye contact longer, calling me out to the shop for things that I don’t really need to supervise…. Haha. All those little shifts and changes, seem to shine almost glaringly.

He gave me his cell number Friday (yanno, in case there was anything I needed and he wasn’t in the shop, or by the lab phone, or…) so I gave him mine (so he could identify my out of state number). Later that night as I was sitting at Friends’ house he texts me. I couldn’t stop smiling. We decided to call up some coworkers and do dinner and a Star Wars marathon at my place on Saturday. We texted late into the night, all the while Friend was looking at me funny and finally asked me who I was texting with.  Not you.

Anytime I mention Tech Boy, Friend is subtly discouraging. Gee.

So Saturday I rushed around like crazy. Gym, Grocery 1, Grocery 2, prepared food, baked a pie, cleaned the entire apartment…. He got there right on time. Our coworker showed up a bit later. I made:

Guinness Beef Stew

Caramelized Shallot Mashed Potatoes

Strawberry Rhubarb Pie (Tech Boys favorite)

We had a few beers, they absolutely raved about dinner, watched some Star Wars… our coworker left after Empire Strikes back so I moved over to the couch to sit next to him. As soon as I did he scooted over close enough to lean into me. By the end of Return of the Jedi he’d wrapped a blanket and an arm around me and we snuggled up together. It was so cute it was painful haha.

 ::Sigh::

Sunday I went to Friends again for food experiments. I was in such a goofy sleep deprived mood. I made crumpets. Don’t know what a crumpet is? It’s a griddle cake that’s kind of a mix between pancakes and English muffins. Any of my UK readers have a better description? Regardless. They came out flawlessly but man are they a pain. I’d also made Orange-Cranberry Scones. Probably the best scones I’ve ever had if I do say so myself. All day I was sort of on a happy high from the night before. Friend being kissy faced with the wife only stabbed at me a little. I even left early to go home and hang out with Roommate.

My attachment is clearly lessening but it’s still there and things definitely still hurt. I mean, I’m making most of the food for his wife’s upcoming birthday just because he asked.  One or two things wouldn’t be too bad, but I’m making crumpets, scones, fairy cakes, and a couple fruit tarts. It’s a major undertaking. For a woman that I wouldn’t bother with if she wasn’t married to my best friend. A woman that I have a healthy resentment towards. And yet, it helps him out, it makes them happy, guests will have good food… It’s like a compulsion I have whereby I can’t say ‘no’ to taking care of people. I wonder if he knows that the things he shoves in my face bother me and is trying to make me jealous, dig at me, or if he’s really just that clueless. Mind you this is a guy that prides himself on his empathic abilities. Idk. I can’t stand the thought of abandoning this friendship any more than I can stand the thought of being abandoned. Even at the expense of being hurt. At least the wounds seem to be shallower than they used to be. I guess that doesn’t make it good, but it’s something.

And thanks to my new crush I remember what it’s like to be cute and happy.  Shocking.

Of course than my neurotic thoughts kick in. I don’t even know if it’s going to go anywhere. If it does, as long as we stay professional at work. As long as it doesn’t interfere. I don’t want my brain crazy to mess with my work and intimate relationships are the best way to start the spinning. I’ve never had personal relationships, even friendships, with colleagues. Now I have a whole bunch. I am at a complete loss for how to handle this. I’m two different people. I have my professional persona, and I have my actual personality. By socializing more on breaks and going out to lunches with the guys I’ve been slowly trying introduce the safer sides of my personality to the them. It’s like a major mental effort to try to mingle these two parts of myself. I have to try though otherwise it’s going to look mighty freakin’ strange. Stranger. When I’m all sweaters and professional during the day and gothic tattoos at night. Can you count the ways this could go wrong? Here goes nothing.

Memoirs on a Sunday: Weekend Away

It’s been a weekend. Rather a long one.

Friday I worked on my light saber hilts at Friends house. My new ones. They’re coming along ok, but as I’ve never sculpted with this kind of epoxy before they’re taking a long time to get right and my frustration tolerance is  really, really low. Afterwards Friend and I watched scary movies. He asked me for a hand massage which I gave him. He’s, confusing, still. I just, can’t figure out if his feelings for me are purely platonic, or if he still has the attraction to me but is suppressing it because they’re trying to give monogamy a go this year. I don’t know why I allow myself into this place anymore. I don’t want to lose my friend. I can’t lose my Friend. There’s still some residual emotions there that I can’t seem to kick. I may fall of the grid from him for awhile. At least until I can get this under control. Or until I can get it to dissipate completely. It all just kills me some days. His wife actually told me, said to me explicitly, that she doesn’t care about how he feels. She said she knows she should care, in the same breath as she knows she should care about how her employees feel, but traditionally, she doesn’t. “It’s something she needs to work on.” I mean, really? Really? Good choice, guy. Stew in that dysfunction of a marriage. That he would choose that, over someone that actually cares, makes me die a little inside.  Fuck them both then. I need a break.

The heat has been unbearable. I hates it. It makes me extraordinarily angry. Irrational and hate filled. I have no air conditioning.

Nice to meet you

I was dreading Saturday. The Lady Friend wanted me to go upstate with her this weekend to meet all her friends. What she doesn’t understand is that I’m very close to my vacation time so I need every spare minute to finish sewing. I am incapable of saying no. I went anyways. I don’t understand why I’m so averse to saying no. I at least voiced my stress over needing to get stuff done and we compromised to come back early today. Good enough. It was alright. I played the part of the dutiful girlfriend. We went to some great restaurants, went shopping, out for wine tastings (one of the wineries was exceptional). I bought her a really beautiful necklace, met her friends, played pool, drank more…. Or I got them to drink more. Mostly in hopes that we could pass out ‘early’ to hit the road at a reasonable time. Shouldn’t I be excited that she wants to incorporate me more into her life? It just feels like an obligation. She’s very sweet, but frankly, there’s no drama to her. She’s so zen and probably so EXACTLY what I need, that I’m afraid I won’t ever really want it. What is wrong with me? Well, I think the answer to that is obvious.

One thing that does amuse me. People stare at us wherever we go. I’m a very affectionate person. I like to hold hands and sit close and kiss her shoulder or neck and I don’t care who sees. This morning we took a leisurely Sunday morning stroll across the river bridge and the bikers, geriatrics, and random norms all had the most amusing expressions. Occasioanlly we’d get a whisper and a smile… a couple people outright pointed at us just holding hands as we watched the boats go by… at least ¾ of the people we passed had their heads turn just to make sure they were seeing what they were seeing = two women, engaged in conversation, holding hands. Oh. The. Scandal. I’m amused to no end. I kind of like causing the upset. I like that I make people uncomfortable. I like that I challenge what most people wouldn’t even consider contemplating. We live in a progressive world. There are other walks of life that are just as equally valid as the status quo. Consider them. Consider us. We’re here. And I will get in your face about it… even if it’s just being cute and normal and living my life like any other person would.

So finally I got home and did a little bit of what I needed to get done. Mainly, sewing. I’m going on vacation August 5^th (warning I won’t be blogging or responding to comments as I won’t have electricity or internet). It’s a big, wacky costuming event and true to my nature, I’m making myself new costumes. I have plenty of old costuming, but I want new stuff and I at least have the patterns drafted and cut out now. Then I made Lady Friend and I a delectable Gorgonzola-Potato Soup before resuming my costume accessory creation.

Finally, I just wanted some time alone. Part of the reason I was dreading this weekend was spending so much time together. I just feel, smothered. I feel like I have to constantly maintain a face for myself that I wouldn’t otherwise have. There’s no time to just kick back and do nothing. I have to be this social, sweet, engaging woman that I know she wants people to see. So I am. I’m whoever I need to be. It’s just, exhausting. I wanted nothing more than to put on my pajamas and curl up in my bed with the white noise of my room fan whirring in the background.

If I want this to last, I have to play the part.  Some days it’s just easier than others. Especially when it’s in smaller doses. These full days, back to back, nonstop, are hard on my energy levels. 

Memoirs on a Sunday: Confessions

Ok, maybe not a lot of sex, but definitely some confessions. 

Friday was my usual night hanging out with Friend. Last week things got a little, familiar. I’d asked him to rub my neck, which he did, along with my back, lower back, butt, thighs and calves. Basically a full body massage, but then just relaxing back at the end of it, he sat close, much closer. The way he touched me bordered on, inappropriate, but not quite. The hint and promise was there. The voice in the back of my mind, laughing at his reactions to me was there too. She’s a vindictive little brat sometimes, but she’s strong and she likes to stay in control. Which she did. Watching him squirm as he pressed himself next to me. She laughed. I knew…. This wasn’t going to go anywhere. I knew.

I’m playing a game here. Except I can’t play this game. Part of me still wants him. A lot of me definitely wants him to want me. Which he can’t have but he does want. It amuses me to give him a glimpse of what he can no longer have. I want to drive him just a little bit crazy, teasing, except I can’t stop myself from going a little crazy too. Therapist thinks this is part of the reason I spun down so hard earlier this week. This is making it very difficult for me to move on. Very difficult to maintain my boundaries, my sanity, when the messages I’m given are so crossed and confused I can’t settle into my own skin, just want to crawl out of it.

This is beyond unwise, not to mention unhealthy. Who needs mental health? Oh, wait. I am also starting to get the twinges of guilt. Lady Friend and I are progressing nicely, we’ve passed that first time together so I feel more comfortable in our pace. We’re not ‘official’ or whatever the kids are calling it these days, but I foresee it in the not so distant future. I’m trying to hold off until after I go on vacation to formalize anything. Why? Honestly? Because I plan on being as uninhibited as I please and I want the freedom to do it. Unfortunately my conscience seems to have other plans for me.  I’m starting to feel those tendrils of attachment reaching into the lighter areas of my brain that tell me I have a good thing and not to fuck this up. That’s the challenge now isn’t it. Not fucking it up. 

Yesterday was another testament to my inability to not fuck with myself. Myself? Maybe I should consider those around me while I’m at it. I mean to. I swear it, but it happened anyways. 

Yesterday after getting no sleep and having incredibly violent mood swings I calmed down enough to make food for Club Boi’s Baconpalooza party. It’s a thing, just go with it. Yes, I’m strict vegetarian, but I cook meat for friends. No, I can’t try any of the dishes I made. 

Backstory: Club Boi and I have known each other for almost a year. We met on vacation last year. He was very obviously crushing on me (though he was with his current live in girlfriend unbeknownst to me) and one night after a rowdy night of partying he kissed me. That’s it, just kissed me, though he made it obvious that he wanted there to be more time spent. I latched onto Friend for ‘rescuing’ and found myself disentangled, reentengaled, otherwise entangled? Frying pan. Fire. Jump. All in the past. Club Boi and I from then on are only friends and one I keep at arm’s length-ish. We’ve been chatting more as our paths cross lately, and I’d hoped he’d gotten over his crush in almost a year so I didn’t think it was much of an issue. So there’s the background. 

Back to the party. I was, um, colorful ::grins:: the entire time. As soon as I got there I cracked my bottle of wine, put my dancing shoes on, and found my groove. I had all kinds of anxiety about the size the party was supposed to be (too many people are not good for me), the fact that my moods were mode shifting like mad… but it was fine. I drank, and drank, and had a nice continuous mellow buzz the entire time. No sloppy drunk, but definitely loosened up and relaxed. Almost happy. Dancing. People watch me dance, I’m hard to miss. Even if I’m just swaying to a beat, my motions are so fluid and I have hips that are hard to miss. I’ve mentioned before I was a stripper for a time, but even without that kind of dancing I seem to attract the attention various men and women in the area. No one else was dancing, not really. I didn’t care. I was in my own little world. Where that world was I have no idea. I felt like I was watching someone else pilot my body. I dissociated hard, but not in a way that was unpleasant, if that makes any sense. Alcohol doesn’t help. It exacerbates the problem if anything but anywhere is better than being stuck in my own head in the middle of a crowded party when my mood was boarding on Hulk Smash earlier in the day. And it was nice. Nice, mellow, free, floating, and somewhere outside of my Self.  

Lady Friend showed up eventually which helped get some of the men to back off. Some. Can someone please explain to me why guys continue to hit on a woman who is clearly with another woman? Doesn’t that just seem futile? Maybe I should have been a bitch, but in general I’m just not. Not unless I have to be, and I certainly had no need then. So Lady Friend and I cutes-ified it up all night. Me dancing, watching Friend watch me as he sat next to his lump of a wife. No, he’s not subtle. I was amused. And distracted. I haven’t quite hit familiarity with Lady Friend yet. It’s so disconcerting to look into the eyes of someone you’re sleeping with and recognize them but feel no connection to them. I see these liquid blue eyes staring back at me, but on some level I don’t recognize them, haven’t internalized them. There’s no ‘mine’ there, yet. She’s still very separate from me and I don’t know how to make the switch in a relationship that’s healthy. Not that I’ve had much opportunity to try. I really want to try this time. I’m worried about what it will take though. What will be the thing that jolts me into bridging the gap between our collective presences. ::sigh:: Therapist says I need to stop worrying about the future and just enjoy the time we spend together. It will happen when it happens and that’s going to be in its own time. If I fret about the ‘when’ then I will forget to enjoy the now. Which will only make it harder for that potential ‘when’ to arrive. ::double sigh:: Why can’t I predict the future already?!? Grumble. 

Finally after we’d gone out for real food I drove Lady Friend home. I had every intention of going home myself but realized that I was still a little too, um, well drunk, to drive. So I went back to the party to try and sober up. Bravo to me I say. There was a time not too long ago that I would have seen that 0.12 on my purse breathalyzer and said ‘screw it’ it’s only a 45 minute drive. That louder girl in the back of my brain reminded me that in fact, No, I did not want to potentially spend another night in jail due to drunk driving. I learned that lesson. We’ll let that be a story for a different day but know that lesson was most certainly learned. So here’s to learning from my mistakes. Cheers. I went back. 

In my mind I had this perfect idea of kicking off my clothes (I was wearing a bathing suit) jumping in the channel and floating in the water, smoking a cigarette, chatting with Club Boi. I got my wish, exactly. The party had quieted down. The water was serene and gentle. The only light from lanterns reflected on the water. Just me and Club Boi chatting in the water by the glow of my Turkish cigarettes. For just a moment, when I wasn’t floundering to stay afloat, I felt connected. It’s those small, tiny, moments that I look for. Those moments that bring me down to earth and ground me as I braced my feet on the side of the dock. We were reminiscing about last vacation and a private view that I’d shared with him, and the potential for this upcoming vacation (yes, me and all of my friends take one giant vacation together. It’s really pretty amazing). The wind had picked up to bring just a bit of a chill. As we huddled closer and closer together I should have seen the kiss coming. I hadn’t been expecting it, not really, not with his girlfriend right in the house. But there it was. And again. And again. I don’t know why I didn’t stop him right away. I honestly don’t. I’m not attracted to him in that way…. But I like that he’s attracted to me.  In those tiny little moments, I’m in those moments. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but for someone that dissociates as hard and as constantly as I do, I cling to them. The attention is nice too. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think so. How stupid can I be? I only feel mildly guilty about Lady Friend. Slightly more guilty about his girlfriend, whom I like a lot. More concerned about the amount of trouble I’m potentially setting myself up for. I have no idea how I’m going to get myself out of this when the time comes that we are actually alone on vacation together. 

I feel better when someone is touching me. It’s harder to lose my hold on reality when someone is helping to hold me here. Maybe that’s why I don’t care. Or don’t care enough to not do what I do. It’s disconcerting. He’s just using me.  Or trying to. I know that. What I don’t know, is why I allow it. I know I shouldn’t be so permissive, but I can’t seem to help it. Don’t want to help it, while at the same time….

I asked to get out of the water, feigning cold and chill easily enough. We dried off and I went to crash on their couch for the night. He actually came in to sort of tuck me in. It was touching really. If touching me hadn’t been his goal. He gave me a quick kiss goodnight before I passed out completely.

I wish I had a better explanation than “I’m being slutty”. I don’t often have the opportunity because I’m relatively anti-social. I don’t know. I don’t really think that’s it. I’m just, a mess of a human being. And yes, I do need attention. I need to not be alone. Surprise. 

I do what I do and I don’t always know why.

I wish I did.

And that was most of my weekend. ::sigh::

Memoirs on a Sunday: Ease of Sex, Not Hiding Scars, and Father’s Day

This weekend hasn’t been traumatic at all and yet, today was a disaster.

This morning I wrote:

I’ve utterly failed at not drinking… however it’s been very reasonable; 2 glasses of wine Friday, a few with the Lady Friend on Saturday. I’m not drinking today. Not even a sip. It’s a new day, and I’ll just start fresh now.

I’m actually very proud of myself. The loneliness, being alone, hasn’t been so terrible. Friday night I stayed in; Roommate was gone, didn’t go to Friends. I stayed home by myself and painted. I did have 2 glasses of wine over the course of the evening but I don’t think that’s too bad at all. The only think I continuously note is I have bedtime anxiety. I can be absolutely exhausted but the idea of turning of all the lights and crawling into bed alone gnaws at the inside of my stomach. This is relatively new in the past few months.

Yesterday I spent the day with Lady Friend. She came over and we hung out doing crafty type stuff. I organized my beads. I have so many kinds. I love to organize and sort. It feels nice and neat, catalogued and controlled. I preceded to piece together the period appropriate style of women’s fashion in 7^th/8^th century Viking society. I have a huge costuming event in August and I’m changing my pre-Industrial persona from fully Middle Eastern to Viking. I’ll do Middle Eastern (dancer) at night, but during the day I’m going back to my blood roots and switching to a Norse persona. After figuring out the logistics, sewing, altering, sewing… I have a perfectly accurate sack dress, haha. I made some gemstone bead lines as well. They’re the few kinds of decorations and symbols of status women wear.

Afterwards, we went out to dinner which was really nice. I don’t like how she stares at me. It makes me just a little uncomfortable and I feign modesty just to look away. She’s so super sweet though. Our waitress obviously found us super cute which I in turn thought was super cute. Super. Everything was super.

Back to my place for more craftiness. I painted. Finished a wild Caterpillar ala Alice picture. Quick and crazy inspired from watching the movie (Tim Burton shouldn’t be given free reign of movies anymore).

Things are moving rather slow sexually. This makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do when people aren’t constantly trying to jump me. I know she likes me. This isn’t a question. It makes me nervous when I need to fill the silence with actual words that aren’t so easily distracting from me. I’m forced to let her get to know me instead of redirecting her eye to other things. Maybe this is normal? Or healthy? Not jumping into bed? Not constantly using sex as a distraction?   I don’t know how to handle this. It’s so much easier to have sex then it is to continuously think of things to say. It’s less invasive, less intrusive. I know what I’m doing in bed. That rarely gets me in trouble. The things that come out of my mouth however, and I’m not talking about my tongue here….

…talking about Talking. That’s where things go wrong. At dinner I did mention that I was on Abilify, that I struggle with depression and some stuff. She was receptive and very understanding. Not concerned with it at all. I think this is the approach I’ll be taking. Bring up bits and pieces one thing at a time. See how she responds and gauge her reactions before I drop something new on her…

One thing I’m rather curious about. She hasn’t mentioned my scars. At all. Every person I’ve ever dated notices, and mentions them almost instantly (within the first few dates). She hasn’t said anything at all. Maybe she’s respecting the fact that this is my business and is allowing me to let her know when I feel ready to? I’m just trying to figure this out. I’m never averse to talking about them. I don’t draw attention to them, but I don’t try to hide them either. They’re really just more modifications at this point. Still. It’s interesting to me.

Back to sex. Guys are so much easier in some respects. I can throw sex at them and they won’t think twice about it. The women I date, it’s not that they’re not interested in sex, they certainly are, but there’s more of an emphasis on interest in me. That’s it I suppose. I still don’t want to let her in. Not ready to be too close. Guys I can stick to surface speak keeping conversation witty and light and when things get a little too sticky for my tastes… well, turning the tables on the evenings events is not incredibly difficult to do. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to be me. I can just feel and lose myself in the moment… if I like them. Sometimes it’s really just a way to get people to shut up and make the time move forward, to do something besides feign interest in the words coming out of their mouths.

After she left I binged again. I was a little hungry, but I just can’t seem to stop at a reasonable amount of food. I ate all my leftovers from dinner, then freaked out that I’d eaten so much so late, but it wasn’t enough to easily get rid of, so I prepared a full binge that was easier to deal with. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know why I can’t just go to bed, except after she left I had that little bedtime anxiety and I didn’t want to go lie down alone. I’d thought about asking her to stay. We were falling asleep together on the couch as is, but… idk. I’m not there yet. Too close, not too close, too close, not too close. There’s too much content in lesbian relationships. Men are easier for me. Men are just easier. Heh, sorry. I suppose I shouldn’t make that statement, but when it comes to me and dating, they’re easier to maneuver around. I can hold back, but appear to draw them closer. Preserving myself and not pushing them away too fast by appearing to draw them in closer. Heh. With Lady Friend, it’s almost entirely balanced. She’s less easily distracted, just happy to be in my company, not pushing me for more, not forcing my {nonexistent} boundaries. It’s strange. Learning to just, be. To sit, and be, in comfort. Not needing the next moment to be something other than it is. I’m not sure I know how to do this.  Time. Give it time I guess.

It’s now Sunday evening: I broke my resolve to not drink. Not a lot, just a couple glasses of wine. Then I coupled it with an all out binge/purge. I’ve been alone all day. It’s been a beautiful day. I’ve been creatively productive, but, alone. I just don’t understand why this is so hard! There’s no reason for it. I’m so incredibly frustrated. Woke up, too low energy to really work out. Did a nice painting, did some grocery shopping, sewed 3 Viking apron dresses, redid my gemstone bead drops… and I can’t shake this tension under my skin that makes me want to, want to, I don’t even know. All I know is that how I feel right now is unsettled and unhappy. After my binge I went to the craft store, just got a couple strands of beads, had a cigarette, calmed down and returned to my crafting projects. Forcing myself to concentrate on something else makes the time fly faster and I can slow the spinning thoughts down.

And to wrap it up. I have a family. It’s father’s day so I actually called mine. He’s pretty proud that I’ve been painting. Amidst the critiques he even said that what I’ve shown him so far is really great. Mixed bag sorta praise, but I’ll take it. I can do better, I have more to learn, but hey, a lot of people never learn to 

even draw stick figures (yeah he said that)… and I’m doing a really good job.

Learning how to draw trees

Finally, I miss my sister. A lot. I got a drunken text from her earlier… “I’m going to bed. But I’m also a little drunk and I miss you. Lately I have felt like I’m always going to be too short to ride the big kid roller coaster. And I would prefer to feel this way with you here because you know how to handle me. And that makes me miss you.” If you’ll remember my sister is bipolar so she’s all over the place like me too, but different. She stresses a lot about stuff, work, school etc. She’s smart it just takes her a little more effort to process school material, hence stress. She’s back in school and doing a really amazing job getting on track with what she wants to do (work with the deaf community). I’m so proud of her. Of all the things I dislike most about living in NY, it’s that my sister is 500 miles away =( It’s so rough some days. Especially on bad days, for both of us. No one has ever had the ability to reign in my moods and keep me in a calmer place than her and likewise for her, I just KNOW her so I know what helps. It makes me sad that I can’t be there for her when she needs me. I love my sister. I wish I could hang up my life here and go home to her sometimes. Can’t. My life is here now. For now. And I have to get up for work in the morning. G’night.   

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Memoirs on a Sunday: Weekend Randomness

Let’s throw a little of my life out there. I may make this a weekend series on Sundays. 


I do this blog as a chance to give some insight into the life of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder however I feel like if I ONLY focus on the multitudes of  BPD characteristics I’m losing a little bit of the human aspect that I want to convey. So, just to sort of give an idea of what else goes on in my life that’s not solely centered around BPD, I think I’ll do some random weekend postings. Hopefully a different side of me, or at least a more well rounded view of me, highlighting other areas of interest. While my borderline issues are clearly problematic, I’m not running around like a giant ball of static and charge 24/7. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll give some insight into the little daily effects BPD has on me, how other aspects are seemingly unaffected, and how little patterns emerge, converge, and dissipate in time. We’ll see how it goes.

I’ve decided to do a cleanse again starting Monday. Salt flush in the mornings with only ‘liquid’ foods for 10 days. Liquid = juice, water, yogurt, soup, etc. Nothing solid. I have 5 more pounds to lose and I can’t shock my system into budging. This’ll do it.  I feel like I’m falling to bad eating habits again too what with eating out a little more than usual I want to make sure I watch myself. I’ve also been feeling bogged down with everything and the cleanse is good for the body. First couple days I’m a little irritable and headachey. Must make sure to hydrate. 

With the season change and the mornings being lighter earlier my insomnia has been worse and I haven’t been getting any sleep. At least I hope it’s the season change. The only other option is that it’s my medication and I actually like my Abilify so far. I want this to work out. I have however decided to stop fighting the no sleep and be productive. Or at least creative. I started painting 2-3 weeks back. So when I can’t sleep I do this: 

Ganesha

and this: 

Red Sky Dawns

Picasso I am not. But I don’t think it’s half bad for never having painted before in my life. I absolutely love it too.

Saturday was a really productive day. Again, I woke up with the sun but I overhauled our apartment to make our 2^nd bathroom function. Roommate has been using the shower as a 5^th storage closet for all her stuff but with me dating again and her bf, we really sort of need the 2^nd shower. There’s been too many days when I’m irritated that I can’t take a shower and start to worry about the time crunch. I was so exhausted but I got it done, then headed to the gym. I started a new painting, went to the grocery 3 times and prepped to make dinner for LadyFriend. I don’t think I’ve made a cute romantic dinner for two since I moved in here. My first time making dinner for her =) I made a Lightly Curried Peanut Bisque, Israeli Couscous with dried apricots, cranberries and pistachios, and Portobello Bruschetta with Rosemary Aioli. I do so love to cook. Especially since I make so many things at one time, my mind is so utterly occupied there’s no room for thoughts of other things. The food came out beautifully. So delicious and I had a really nice time with her.

Friday night I went to Friend’s for movie night. I didn’t actually pay much attention to the movies though. Quirky spoofy horror movies. If you like them, check out Rockula. It’s a stitch. I spent the majority of the night crafting. I was figuring out how to make tribal hair falls. I so love being crafty.
They’re actually pretty easy to make. I can’t believe how much these things sell for where I vacation. I tried to pay attention to the conversation but I was feeling more than a little irritable and hypersensitive. A buddy of mine was sitting next to me, and Friend was on the other couch. They were both trying to talk at the same time and I felt like my mind was going to dig a hole in itself and retreat. My brain vibrating into a smaller and smaller place. I could hear sounds but it was so much static I couldn’t make out what either of them were saying, it was just too much voice at one time. Too much volleying. The only thing I could do was tune them out sometimes or my head would start to hurt. 

So mostly I crafted and later ended up dozing off on Friend during the last movie. I wasn’t feeling particularly social. And even when I stopped crafting I couldn’t get into the groove of conversation. I felt a little out of place. Like everyone else was so much more animated and sociable and I was off on my own little couch cushion island.

We had wine and chatted through dinner. Our conversation doesn’t flow particularly well and it seems like there’s a little something missing. Idk. I’m not incredibly attached to her yet, but it’s still early in our relationship. I generally fight attachments for a while, maintain something of an open yet distant stance. I really like her, but getting too close to people is when things go wrong, but then again I do want to give this and myself a chance. Our chemistry is pretty apparent otherwise though, haha ::wink::.

Upsettingly after she left something in my brain made me binge and that lead to the inevitable. I don’t even understand why. It was so late and I was so exhausted and I still managed to take the time to do that.

Sunday I was supposed to go to an event in the Bronx but due to inclement weather, that didn’t happen. I’d attempted the gym but only got like 4 hours of sleep so my body just wasn’t in it. I’m starting to accumulate a lot of workout guilt because I’ve been too exhausted to expend the energy. I worry about every little thing I put in my body because I haven’t been able to exercise properly.  Instead I spent the day with Friend doing crafty stuff. We’re working on our light sabers.  Yes, light sabers. Fully electronic/LED functioning light sabers. I’m stoked to be working more on my Star Wars costume. I have a bunch of little changes I’m making to it. I’m going to redo my Twi’lek lekku to make the headband connection match the rest of my outfit. Since my persona is Sith alchemist/sorcerer I’m incorporating a more Tribal feel to the costume as well. Hence the tribal falls I’m working on.  I also started a new painting. I’m borderline obsessing about this new hobby. I wake up with the sun and my mind starts whirring about color blends and brush strokes; the project that I’m working on. As far as ruminations go, at least this one is a healthy outlet. And so much fun.
It’s seriously a good thing that I do manage some impulse control because there are days when calling in to work in order to stay home and paint are really high!

It was a long day of crafting, food, and gathering supplies for future projects. Starting to wear down. Too much stimulus I just can’t keep up the energy some days. Especially when I’m not sleeping. I feel like I’m floating off in my own head. The silence is deafening right now. No one’s home and it’s too quiet. Tomorrow’s another day, happily.