Memoirs on a Sunday: Ease of Sex, Not Hiding Scars, and Father’s Day

This weekend hasn’t been traumatic at all and yet, today was a disaster.

This morning I wrote:

I’ve utterly failed at not drinking… however it’s been very reasonable; 2 glasses of wine Friday, a few with the Lady Friend on Saturday. I’m not drinking today. Not even a sip. It’s a new day, and I’ll just start fresh now.

I’m actually very proud of myself. The loneliness, being alone, hasn’t been so terrible. Friday night I stayed in; Roommate was gone, didn’t go to Friends. I stayed home by myself and painted. I did have 2 glasses of wine over the course of the evening but I don’t think that’s too bad at all. The only think I continuously note is I have bedtime anxiety. I can be absolutely exhausted but the idea of turning of all the lights and crawling into bed alone gnaws at the inside of my stomach. This is relatively new in the past few months.

Yesterday I spent the day with Lady Friend. She came over and we hung out doing crafty type stuff. I organized my beads. I have so many kinds. I love to organize and sort. It feels nice and neat, catalogued and controlled. I preceded to piece together the period appropriate style of women’s fashion in 7^th/8^th century Viking society. I have a huge costuming event in August and I’m changing my pre-Industrial persona from fully Middle Eastern to Viking. I’ll do Middle Eastern (dancer) at night, but during the day I’m going back to my blood roots and switching to a Norse persona. After figuring out the logistics, sewing, altering, sewing… I have a perfectly accurate sack dress, haha. I made some gemstone bead lines as well. They’re the few kinds of decorations and symbols of status women wear.

Afterwards, we went out to dinner which was really nice. I don’t like how she stares at me. It makes me just a little uncomfortable and I feign modesty just to look away. She’s so super sweet though. Our waitress obviously found us super cute which I in turn thought was super cute. Super. Everything was super.

Back to my place for more craftiness. I painted. Finished a wild Caterpillar ala Alice picture. Quick and crazy inspired from watching the movie (Tim Burton shouldn’t be given free reign of movies anymore).

Things are moving rather slow sexually. This makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do when people aren’t constantly trying to jump me. I know she likes me. This isn’t a question. It makes me nervous when I need to fill the silence with actual words that aren’t so easily distracting from me. I’m forced to let her get to know me instead of redirecting her eye to other things. Maybe this is normal? Or healthy? Not jumping into bed? Not constantly using sex as a distraction?   I don’t know how to handle this. It’s so much easier to have sex then it is to continuously think of things to say. It’s less invasive, less intrusive. I know what I’m doing in bed. That rarely gets me in trouble. The things that come out of my mouth however, and I’m not talking about my tongue here….

…talking about Talking. That’s where things go wrong. At dinner I did mention that I was on Abilify, that I struggle with depression and some stuff. She was receptive and very understanding. Not concerned with it at all. I think this is the approach I’ll be taking. Bring up bits and pieces one thing at a time. See how she responds and gauge her reactions before I drop something new on her…

One thing I’m rather curious about. She hasn’t mentioned my scars. At all. Every person I’ve ever dated notices, and mentions them almost instantly (within the first few dates). She hasn’t said anything at all. Maybe she’s respecting the fact that this is my business and is allowing me to let her know when I feel ready to? I’m just trying to figure this out. I’m never averse to talking about them. I don’t draw attention to them, but I don’t try to hide them either. They’re really just more modifications at this point. Still. It’s interesting to me.

Back to sex. Guys are so much easier in some respects. I can throw sex at them and they won’t think twice about it. The women I date, it’s not that they’re not interested in sex, they certainly are, but there’s more of an emphasis on interest in me. That’s it I suppose. I still don’t want to let her in. Not ready to be too close. Guys I can stick to surface speak keeping conversation witty and light and when things get a little too sticky for my tastes… well, turning the tables on the evenings events is not incredibly difficult to do. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to be me. I can just feel and lose myself in the moment… if I like them. Sometimes it’s really just a way to get people to shut up and make the time move forward, to do something besides feign interest in the words coming out of their mouths.

After she left I binged again. I was a little hungry, but I just can’t seem to stop at a reasonable amount of food. I ate all my leftovers from dinner, then freaked out that I’d eaten so much so late, but it wasn’t enough to easily get rid of, so I prepared a full binge that was easier to deal with. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know why I can’t just go to bed, except after she left I had that little bedtime anxiety and I didn’t want to go lie down alone. I’d thought about asking her to stay. We were falling asleep together on the couch as is, but… idk. I’m not there yet. Too close, not too close, too close, not too close. There’s too much content in lesbian relationships. Men are easier for me. Men are just easier. Heh, sorry. I suppose I shouldn’t make that statement, but when it comes to me and dating, they’re easier to maneuver around. I can hold back, but appear to draw them closer. Preserving myself and not pushing them away too fast by appearing to draw them in closer. Heh. With Lady Friend, it’s almost entirely balanced. She’s less easily distracted, just happy to be in my company, not pushing me for more, not forcing my {nonexistent} boundaries. It’s strange. Learning to just, be. To sit, and be, in comfort. Not needing the next moment to be something other than it is. I’m not sure I know how to do this.  Time. Give it time I guess.

It’s now Sunday evening: I broke my resolve to not drink. Not a lot, just a couple glasses of wine. Then I coupled it with an all out binge/purge. I’ve been alone all day. It’s been a beautiful day. I’ve been creatively productive, but, alone. I just don’t understand why this is so hard! There’s no reason for it. I’m so incredibly frustrated. Woke up, too low energy to really work out. Did a nice painting, did some grocery shopping, sewed 3 Viking apron dresses, redid my gemstone bead drops… and I can’t shake this tension under my skin that makes me want to, want to, I don’t even know. All I know is that how I feel right now is unsettled and unhappy. After my binge I went to the craft store, just got a couple strands of beads, had a cigarette, calmed down and returned to my crafting projects. Forcing myself to concentrate on something else makes the time fly faster and I can slow the spinning thoughts down.

And to wrap it up. I have a family. It’s father’s day so I actually called mine. He’s pretty proud that I’ve been painting. Amidst the critiques he even said that what I’ve shown him so far is really great. Mixed bag sorta praise, but I’ll take it. I can do better, I have more to learn, but hey, a lot of people never learn to 

even draw stick figures (yeah he said that)… and I’m doing a really good job.

Learning how to draw trees

Finally, I miss my sister. A lot. I got a drunken text from her earlier… “I’m going to bed. But I’m also a little drunk and I miss you. Lately I have felt like I’m always going to be too short to ride the big kid roller coaster. And I would prefer to feel this way with you here because you know how to handle me. And that makes me miss you.” If you’ll remember my sister is bipolar so she’s all over the place like me too, but different. She stresses a lot about stuff, work, school etc. She’s smart it just takes her a little more effort to process school material, hence stress. She’s back in school and doing a really amazing job getting on track with what she wants to do (work with the deaf community). I’m so proud of her. Of all the things I dislike most about living in NY, it’s that my sister is 500 miles away =( It’s so rough some days. Especially on bad days, for both of us. No one has ever had the ability to reign in my moods and keep me in a calmer place than her and likewise for her, I just KNOW her so I know what helps. It makes me sad that I can’t be there for her when she needs me. I love my sister. I wish I could hang up my life here and go home to her sometimes. Can’t. My life is here now. For now. And I have to get up for work in the morning. G’night.   

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Medication, Obsession, or Insomnia?

Alright I lied. I’m posting. I’m exhausted. I’m  rambling.

Can’t sleep. Can’t seem to balance. I think I’m falling to the artists’ obsession with their medium. I would love nothing more than to quit my job and stay home painting. I stay up painting as long as I can, wake up and instantly my mind is on my palatte.  I can’t fall asleep. Can’t stay asleep. Wake up early. Can’t fall back to sleep with the thoughts of color combinations, shading, lining, running, racing through my mind.

Or it’s my meds, or the weather, or maybe I’m anemic. Saw Psychiatrist yesterday. He was welcoming as always despite being upset with me last time. That was a relief. I told him that I’ve been incredibly fatigued and not sleeping.  I have Trazadone for sleeping. If I take too much I’m hung over and groggy all day. If I don’t take enough I either don’t fall asleep or don’t stay asleep. I also suspect that it slows down my resting metabolism when I’m asleep. It’s just a theory.

Last night I woke up at 230a… around 330a I took about a quarter of one just to help me fall asleep again. I woke up before my Cantina Band alarm went off and preceded to Snooze it once it did. Dragging myself out of bed is ridiculous. This never used to  be my problem. I was never a Snooze button person. Regardless of how little sleep I get I always just got right up. Everything feels heavy and slow. My brain feels thick. I hate feeling like this.

Therapist thinks it’s the new meds. Friend thinks it’s the weather and/or just need to give side effects a chance to pass. Psychiatrist isn’t worried at all and doesn’t even feel the need to see me for another month. So I’ll be continuing with 5mg of Abilify for the next  month. I’m going to try my damnedest to really limit, if not eliminate, my drinking. I’ve been doing really well with this.

I also realized that the only iron I’m probably getting is in my multi-vitamin and really you only absorb a fraction of what the label says.  Might explain the nosebleeds too. Time to invest in an iron supplement I think.

NAP. Nap. nap. Zzzzzzzz……….

Lucid Analysis: Trials in Therapy

 

Yesterday was a productive day in therapy I think. I was in definite rapid cycle mode shift. I didn’t really feel like sharing anything, didn’t really know what to talk about, tired, irritated, hopeful, pleasant, irritable, angry.

She keeps telling me I have a healing, peaceful energy that I bring with me. That people are drawn to my natural ability to heal and ground. That I really have a wonderful influence and role model. Everytime she says things like this I get angry. I don’t see it, I don’t believe it.  

She was creating an assignment for another bulimic client of hers. She said this girl reminded her of me and in creating this assignment for her she was heavily influenced by the things I do to center myself. She handed me the assignment. As I read it was a wash of peaceful, calm, creative outlets to focus energy towards. Healthy things, not destructive. I could easily see how most of these things were influenced by me and my interests. I had these small flashes of, maybe I’m not so terrible as I think, maybe I do have redeeming qualities to offer, maybe how other people see me {positively} is not so inaccurate, not just a lie to make me feel better or manipulate me.  These small flashes were fleeting but they were like little mental peeks into a pretty part of my self-perception.

She’s very concerned about my bulimia. I only had the one incident this past week, despite wanting to more, so I say bravo for me. We’re working on why I feel the need to do this.

Triggers: The state that I am most likely to do this is when I am more stressed than usual, more emotionally taxed.  The times I am most likely to do this is when I am alone, when someone has just left.

Sometimes I think this is just practical. When I’m sitting down to a meal with someone I moderate myself easily and don’t binge. When I’m alone I have no moderator. I lose control over what I take in and then panic in a need to punish myself for this loss of control. Control is clearly an issue. Again she believes this has to do with the Punitive/Critical Parent schema.  She asked me if I believed this personality schema was all bad? I said no. There should be a part of your brain that lets you know when you are doing something wrong or detrimental to yourself or others. It’s normal. It’s when it takes over in an exaggerated, hurtful, debasing, demeaning manner that it becomes punitive and is no longer healthy or normal. This is the part that I need to work to correct. Sunday I wanted to binge after I left Friends and came home to my empty apartment, but I managed to stop myself. I was able to talk myself into just going to sleep. Ireminded myself that if I were to eat, I would feel guilty (I’d had a healthy lunch and a good dinner, no starving), eat more, and need to purge. Instead of indulging the cycle I convinced myself to lie down and just go to sleep. It’s not easy.  Not easy at all. I had to walk myself step by step through what I would end up doing and reiterate every sentence and reason for why I shouldn’t or didn’t need to; why just going to bed would be better.

NOTE: I should write out this process. Write down the feelings that come before the cycle starts in order to recognize them. Write down each action that would typically follow. Then write down a sentence to counter each action in order to bring me to a healthier conclusion. That way I have an established tool when this happens.

I showed Therapist my paintings and she was really impressed. She even wanted to give me a homework assignment having to do with expressing myself through painting. I can’t. I just can’t. She first suggested creating a picture of the Critical Parent when we talked about the unrelenting pressure I feel from my father. This idea immediately filled me with dread and anxiety like a sucker punch to the gut. I practically panicked when I told her I wouldn’t. I immediately thought of my dad and I don’t want to paint him. Especially since he is actually impressed with my painting. He thinks I have some talent here. Thinks I should look into taking some formal art courses (which I’ve never had) and pursuing this further. I don’t’ want this to be homework or a chore. I have so little time free to follow my love of this I just want to enjoy myself and let my ideas flow where they will. She tried to suggest another painting assignment but I’m not turning this into homework. I won’t.

Foreign relationship dynamic. I mentioned I don’t feel very connected to Lady Friend yet. I don’t know if it’s because it’s still early in our relationship or if it’s because when I first meet people I tend to actively keep myself held back. I don’t actually know her well and I’ve been so badly abused I hold myself at a distance. No one can plant a knife in your back without you first allowing them within arm’s reach. When people get close to you is when they can hurt you. It’s only been a month of casual dating though and she does seem to be very into me.

Therapist’s first question was: So when was the last time you had a healthy, nurturing relationship like this? Blank. I honestly cannot remember. I’ve had a lot of long, emotionally unattached/unhealthy relationships or very short relationships that I’ve either bolted from or set on fire and burned to the ground. But not healthy, nurturing relationships. Therapist thinks that part of my problem may be that I simply don’t recognize this feeling. Since it’s not fraught with conflict and upset it’s such an unfamiliar concept to me that it doesn’t register with me as what a relationship should look like. Just let it flow as it will and try to be receptive to where it goes without putting pressure or expectation on it.

Future consideration: Telling Lady Friend about my BPD. I haven’t really dated seriously since my diagnosis {having been very involved with Friend for so long and he knows} so I haven’t had to have ‘a talk’ about my BPD with someone. I don’t know how much to tell her. When is appropriate to tell her? What will happen if I tell her? Or if I even want to tell her at all? Honestly I think she’d probably take it in stride. I’ve mentioned things like my past OCD, anxiety, and my issues of object constancy; sort of bringing up pieces when the conversation is relevant. I don’t know though.

Holy crap let me tell you how freaking irritated I get with Therapist. She talks so bloody much it drives me insane. And she gets on this one topic of inter-subjective fields that I want to gag her. I know her perceptions of inter-subjective fields and how she wants therapy to be a safe space for me and how since I’m very perceptive that she doesn’t want her life or the spaces of her other clients to interfere with my space because therapy is just about me and she doesn’t want these other influencing spheres to cross any boundaries. I drift off and cannot focus on a word she says. Or if I do I just get so irritated and angry I don’t want to listen to her.

Especially since I don’t think I have boundaries.

She asked me what I meant by this. I don’t know honestly. It seems to me that I’ve always held such rigid beliefs, hid so much of myself away, feared embarrassment or humiliation for so long – very, very rigid boundaries… then after living with Evil-Ex, he would take every little piece of ammunition he could gather against me and if he perceived a vulnerable point in me or an opportunity he would use what he had against me to humiliate me. What strikes me is my reaction or lack of reactions. I have almost a casual resignation to these experiences. They happened. There’s nothing to do for it now. I believed I would feel a certain way, that my world would be impacted in a way that was so detrimental, and yet, it wasn’t, nothing that I believed would happen, happened. In fact, probably no one cared at all. Just me. So if all these rigid ideas and beliefs that the thought of having them crossed created so much anxiety in me, if they’re not what I believe they are, is anything I believe what I think it is. Is any of this imposed rigidity necessary? It seems to me that regardless of whether I believe I need these things, when I’m presented with a violation of them, I continue on anyways. Move on. Nothing stops. Nothing ends. Do I need these concepts of boundaries at all if they aren’t enforceable? They no longer seem to be there anyways.

In a way this may seem very Zen. Therapist is pretty adamant that boundaries are necessary to establish for oneself. I can see how this is unhealthy for me because in regards to myself, I’ve let things like rape and assault wash over me. I detach, dissociate, repress, and continue on, but I don’t devastate. In the moment, maybe, but it doesn’t last for long. If it doesn’t last, than are they really hurtful? If I pull myself together and keep going was it really so traumatic? Would having boundaries have helped me out of these places or prevented me from being there in the first place? Probably. But not having boundaries didn’t kill me. What doesn’t kill you and all… but do I really want to continue to test that theory? No. There absolutely are things that are inappropriate. Violations no one has a right to breach. Just because I got through does not mean that I no longer need to build these back up; reestablish what is acceptable for the future. Having gone through it before, lived through it before, does not make it okay for it to happen again, even knowing that it is survivable. Should be more than mere survival to really live.

Around and around my ruminations go.  

Homework: Create a space within you in order to establish boundaries which you believe are acceptable for your life.

Memoirs on a Sunday: Weekend Randomness

Let’s throw a little of my life out there. I may make this a weekend series on Sundays. 


I do this blog as a chance to give some insight into the life of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder however I feel like if I ONLY focus on the multitudes of  BPD characteristics I’m losing a little bit of the human aspect that I want to convey. So, just to sort of give an idea of what else goes on in my life that’s not solely centered around BPD, I think I’ll do some random weekend postings. Hopefully a different side of me, or at least a more well rounded view of me, highlighting other areas of interest. While my borderline issues are clearly problematic, I’m not running around like a giant ball of static and charge 24/7. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll give some insight into the little daily effects BPD has on me, how other aspects are seemingly unaffected, and how little patterns emerge, converge, and dissipate in time. We’ll see how it goes.

I’ve decided to do a cleanse again starting Monday. Salt flush in the mornings with only ‘liquid’ foods for 10 days. Liquid = juice, water, yogurt, soup, etc. Nothing solid. I have 5 more pounds to lose and I can’t shock my system into budging. This’ll do it.  I feel like I’m falling to bad eating habits again too what with eating out a little more than usual I want to make sure I watch myself. I’ve also been feeling bogged down with everything and the cleanse is good for the body. First couple days I’m a little irritable and headachey. Must make sure to hydrate. 

With the season change and the mornings being lighter earlier my insomnia has been worse and I haven’t been getting any sleep. At least I hope it’s the season change. The only other option is that it’s my medication and I actually like my Abilify so far. I want this to work out. I have however decided to stop fighting the no sleep and be productive. Or at least creative. I started painting 2-3 weeks back. So when I can’t sleep I do this: 

Ganesha

and this: 

Red Sky Dawns

Picasso I am not. But I don’t think it’s half bad for never having painted before in my life. I absolutely love it too.

Saturday was a really productive day. Again, I woke up with the sun but I overhauled our apartment to make our 2^nd bathroom function. Roommate has been using the shower as a 5^th storage closet for all her stuff but with me dating again and her bf, we really sort of need the 2^nd shower. There’s been too many days when I’m irritated that I can’t take a shower and start to worry about the time crunch. I was so exhausted but I got it done, then headed to the gym. I started a new painting, went to the grocery 3 times and prepped to make dinner for LadyFriend. I don’t think I’ve made a cute romantic dinner for two since I moved in here. My first time making dinner for her =) I made a Lightly Curried Peanut Bisque, Israeli Couscous with dried apricots, cranberries and pistachios, and Portobello Bruschetta with Rosemary Aioli. I do so love to cook. Especially since I make so many things at one time, my mind is so utterly occupied there’s no room for thoughts of other things. The food came out beautifully. So delicious and I had a really nice time with her.

Friday night I went to Friend’s for movie night. I didn’t actually pay much attention to the movies though. Quirky spoofy horror movies. If you like them, check out Rockula. It’s a stitch. I spent the majority of the night crafting. I was figuring out how to make tribal hair falls. I so love being crafty.
They’re actually pretty easy to make. I can’t believe how much these things sell for where I vacation. I tried to pay attention to the conversation but I was feeling more than a little irritable and hypersensitive. A buddy of mine was sitting next to me, and Friend was on the other couch. They were both trying to talk at the same time and I felt like my mind was going to dig a hole in itself and retreat. My brain vibrating into a smaller and smaller place. I could hear sounds but it was so much static I couldn’t make out what either of them were saying, it was just too much voice at one time. Too much volleying. The only thing I could do was tune them out sometimes or my head would start to hurt. 

So mostly I crafted and later ended up dozing off on Friend during the last movie. I wasn’t feeling particularly social. And even when I stopped crafting I couldn’t get into the groove of conversation. I felt a little out of place. Like everyone else was so much more animated and sociable and I was off on my own little couch cushion island.

We had wine and chatted through dinner. Our conversation doesn’t flow particularly well and it seems like there’s a little something missing. Idk. I’m not incredibly attached to her yet, but it’s still early in our relationship. I generally fight attachments for a while, maintain something of an open yet distant stance. I really like her, but getting too close to people is when things go wrong, but then again I do want to give this and myself a chance. Our chemistry is pretty apparent otherwise though, haha ::wink::.

Upsettingly after she left something in my brain made me binge and that lead to the inevitable. I don’t even understand why. It was so late and I was so exhausted and I still managed to take the time to do that.

Sunday I was supposed to go to an event in the Bronx but due to inclement weather, that didn’t happen. I’d attempted the gym but only got like 4 hours of sleep so my body just wasn’t in it. I’m starting to accumulate a lot of workout guilt because I’ve been too exhausted to expend the energy. I worry about every little thing I put in my body because I haven’t been able to exercise properly.  Instead I spent the day with Friend doing crafty stuff. We’re working on our light sabers.  Yes, light sabers. Fully electronic/LED functioning light sabers. I’m stoked to be working more on my Star Wars costume. I have a bunch of little changes I’m making to it. I’m going to redo my Twi’lek lekku to make the headband connection match the rest of my outfit. Since my persona is Sith alchemist/sorcerer I’m incorporating a more Tribal feel to the costume as well. Hence the tribal falls I’m working on.  I also started a new painting. I’m borderline obsessing about this new hobby. I wake up with the sun and my mind starts whirring about color blends and brush strokes; the project that I’m working on. As far as ruminations go, at least this one is a healthy outlet. And so much fun.
It’s seriously a good thing that I do manage some impulse control because there are days when calling in to work in order to stay home and paint are really high!

It was a long day of crafting, food, and gathering supplies for future projects. Starting to wear down. Too much stimulus I just can’t keep up the energy some days. Especially when I’m not sleeping. I feel like I’m floating off in my own head. The silence is deafening right now. No one’s home and it’s too quiet. Tomorrow’s another day, happily.

Rules Regarding Spending and Gender: None

Oh it’s Friday. What should I talk about today? I absolutely cannot focus so I’m just going to start typing and we’ll see where I go with this.

–         No meds induced rage yesterday. In fact I felt well rested and was very Okay all day.

–         Went on date #3 with my new Lady Friend. For date #2 I took her on a picnic to a romantically secluded beach outcropping. We snuggled, had wine and watched the sunset. Note: I will be as romantic as you let me.  She’s writes me poetry.

–         I made an amazing Turkish inspired 4 course meal last weekend: Almond Soup (Badem Çorbası), Potato Cigarette Borek (Patatesli Sigara Boregi), Turkish-Style Sirloin Steak in a Garlic-Fig Wine Reduction, and Honey and Nuts Snow White (Balli Cevizli Karbeyaz). Apparently I make an awe inspiring steak. This weekend I’m hoping to do Greek.

–         I spend money unchecked….

Seriously. I don’t even realize I do this. I see something, and I get it. I don’t think it’s impulsive at the time. Half the time I believe it’s absolutely justified. Like I had a nervous breakdown on Monday for fear that I couldn’t do my job well enough so I looked up training courses and dropped $600 for advanced training. It’s an investment for my future with the lab, right? It took me all of 10 minutes to make this decision.

I’m tribalizing my Sith Costume b/c my character specializes in Sith alchemy and sorcery so I went to the craft store. Instead of picking out a few key pieces I just get everything I think will fit and could possibly need for my adornment construction. I go in with one or two things in mind, but I don’t stop there. And I don’t think twice about how much it will be.

Is this really a problem if I can actually afford it? I could survive on what I have in the bank, easily, for 6 months with no adjustment to my lifestyle. I have bills that are paid but otherwise no monetary obligations. I could save more I suppose. But for what? What’s the point of having money if not to spend it?

The weather is changing so I need new clothes for work. I want to fit in better at work too. I want to masculinize. I do not like the idea of appearing feminine at work. The women around my office wear skirts, and frilly office appropriate tops… I can’t fathom this. On some level I don’t respect it. I think if I were to do this I would not be taken seriously. As feminine as I get is to wear a sweater over dress slacks. I take my fashion cues from the men in my office. I want to blend in with them. Currently I dress too nice for my office, but this I also believe is acceptable. Dress slacks, button down shirts, nice sweaters. The men in my office typically wear jeans, polos, or even just plain t-shirts. With the changing weather I did just “invest” (read: drop a bunch of cash) in some new short sleeved polo shirts; black, white, and navy, which are more casual than the button down short sleeved shirts I own.



::wink::



I want to purchase jeans. But not women’s jeans that tend to be form fitting. I’m going to buy men’s jeans. I don’t want to accentuate my sexual differences.

I do not want to convey a sexualized image at all. I want as androgynous as possible in my dress.

I don’t know if it’s a fear of not being taken seriously professionally.  I don’t think so because I have no qualms about pulling my hair back to display the 17 piercings (I do remove my lip ring) I have in my head. Or maybe I just appreciate the irony.

On many levels I resent being female. I resent that I have hips that curve so I can’t have a streamlined profile in my slacks. I resent that I am the minority in my field. I resent that my friendships and relationships are colored depending on the gender of the person opposing me. May it’s not being female that I resent. Maybe it’s gender in general. Or more specifically the cultural connotations that accompany gender.

How do you really know what gender you are? I’m not male. I don’t feel female. What does female feel like? It’s not something I can put on, take off, and try something else on for a comparison. Either this is it, or it’s not. There are some days I do feel very feminine and appreciate all aspects of what femininity I have. There are more days I feel very masculine. Gender and sexuality is not a categorical designation for me. It’s fluid. I identify gender neutral but really I’m gender fluid as I easily transition depending on my mood.

When I’m out with Lady Friend I’m happy to be a woman though I slip into the ‘masculine’ role. I hold doors, I pay for meals… I hate that this is considered masculine, especially considering most of the men I know =P. So fuck that. I’m reclaiming this as being the role of How I Display Appreciation For Your Company. Someone make that a better acronym or something. My brain is puffy today.

Accentuate the standards, diminish the differences. If I blend in with the dress code they won’t notice how truly different I am. I hate that I think this way. I’ve been judged, ridiculed, and debased for being who I am though. Outside in the real world I could give a fuck less what people think. Everyone can suck it up and deal. Professional environments require more finesse in order to accomplish tasks optimally. It requires playing a part in a bigger game. There’s really no point in making a fuss or standing out besides. Ultimately no one cares. What really matters is what gets done at the end of the day, not the type of pants I put on. I simply choose which face to put forward to best meet my goals for the moment. How much of any of it truly matters? Not much. Yet, we still continue to play the game.